a Story
where do you begin a story
How does a good story start
what does it have in it

the story doesn't always have to start at the begining,the birth of a child, spring time, morning,conclusions and after thoughts
order caries its own beauty but when time is removed the experience becomes far different.
an explaination of the blur becomes its consumption
time stringing all these broken pieces together

They ride quickly across the open range, gunshots wizzing by their heads. Dead thudakita dakita, the gun shots disolve into horses hooves. Two robbers stop to check the spoils of the recent bank hold up. As the big scruffy one opens the bag he looks up and is suprised to see a wide eyed grinning indian up in a small tree. The tree wobbles with his weight, swaying like one blade of range grass in the wind. The goofy looking one, the side kick who was watching the other guy check the bags, follws his gaze to the grinning indian.

The Toady: hey you, what are you doin up in that tree

the indian just grins.

The Bully: perhaps he fancies himself a song bird

The Toady:Yeah yeah a song bird

The Bully (to the side kick) shut up ya moron

they laugh at the crazy indian in the tree

(the camera pans the room around and down to a guy sitting at a tall coffee shop type table,
his eyes glued on the glowing box in the corner inside his thoughts a haze washes over the screen far away a lurking memory, he looks back down at his computer screen, his fingers dance across the keys

trickles down into a river of words

she sits down at the table beside you but you don't look up just keep tap tap typing away, staring intensly at the computer screen

you mutter "hi whats up"

she says "just wondering what you're doing"

you type- "they sit at the small table in the corner the round top secured to one beam in the middle of it suports a table ornament made of dried paper folded to portray a fish"

she responds "that doesn't make sense what are you doing?"

"she never understands"
you continue typing

"you would never try to explain

you like her lost and trying to figure you out


You are a moron... you know that? one week with her, just one week and yet you just keep typing, working, ignoring her and she just sits there. Are you incapable of communication is that the problem? You can't even show her the things you write for her. Is it out of fear? Tears are yours now she dissolves. She got on that airplane this morning and went back home and now you are alone. You cant even sustain the fantasy of her. You scroll through ramblings on your computer screen, your little closed off world, your little stream of thought dedicated to something in your imagination, something contained as a series of emails and memories phone calls, always so far away.

I find myself thinking of the sensuous lines of your neck
connecting your perfect cherub face to your small body lying beside me your small soft and delicate hand inside of mine,
i woke this morning thinking of you
i want you here with me every moment I wake up
every time I go to sleep
i want to touch you so much
i want to feel your delicate form in my arms
i want you to feel safe and secure in these arms of mine
i wish i could kiss you on your beautiful mouth
and taste your tongue again
kiss the outline of your shoulders
wishing you were here
and I were showing you silently how much i love you
gently entertwined
your legs around me
a morning kiss
the cool air through the window on our faces
the sounds of birds and other wild life
singing a song to us
the lovers
some times it seems that its been so long
i miss you
and your eyes and how you look at me
i miss that reassurance of love
that connection
i miss reassuring you how much i love you
i miss the way you are afraid even though i could love you no more
every part of me is snthralled by you
we will be so much together
life is the art we share
and we will runaway and leave all the world behind
we will share a magical world that we create
where anything is possible
i love you
i love you
i love you
more than life its self
I would die to make you happy
to make you never feel pain
I would give you all of me to do with as you please
i m going on today to fight the world
to return with something and make you proud
to return soon back into your arms
you a princess locked in your tower
you deserve a prince not a serf like I am but I will come from my lowliest to a high place to earn your love
to be worthy of your hand
love me while I try
Tears are yours now she dissolves
You are what I look forward to at the end of my journeys
at the end of each chalenge I have over come
how could I deserve you
unless i was a king
unless I could give you the world
or take you away from
where we could build our own utopia
with a perfect selection of friends
a perfect group of people to start a community of creation
all working interwined

You find that letter you wrote just after coming to your new world and leaving her behind. It holds its own special irony, you look at it and your eyes start watering. What does it mean now? Once the unending potential of your future crammed into a lost file under the bed in one of the dark corners never visited in your computer once things began moving faster and faster. And all these other files take its place and it goes in a folder and its just like our life. Its all just words now...

you are precious
i see you and I fall in love
your eyes full of life
a smile worth a million
so soft so pure so amazing
I canĠ t believe we are here
I want to hold you for hours
as we stare into the stars
any excuse to have you near
could I take you with me
is this a seed of love
I dont know what to say
you have me dumbfounded
you have me
when i timidly said I loved you I meant those words
it scares me its hard to say

its scarry to think what this will be like
you so far away
what will become of us
Im not seeking anyone to take your place
but how can we share our lives

I wanted to talk to you
i felt so alone to night
I wanted to hold you
though there is so much here
I feel closer to god than I ever have its like my steps are each planned
and for once I am exactly where I am meant to be
and Its overwelmingly beautiful
I cant even describe it
its hard to explain how amazing it is
its an artists utopia
completly open
the inspirational setting
there is so much life you cannot fit it into a day at a time
I wake with the sun and don't come in until its 3 in the morning
and we the collective discuss our dreams

they are just like me
so many with an idea just trying to make it a reality
if only you could see it as an insider
its almost like heaven
its like a flower opening up
I am amazed and it hasn't even started yet
just to live in a society of people like this
each looking to rise to the fullest of their potential
so crammed with talent they are overflowing
its all so much to take

dont forget me when its hard to talk
I know it will be
I see it now
just know no one here is taking your place
rise to your highest there
and know that together we could not do it
but we will meet on the other side
and in moments between short and precious moments
know that I am not forgetting you
I give you my nights when I close my eyes
and pray that you can feel me
and that will feed you
drive you harder
know that I am here when things get hard
know that you will never lose me
but my metamorphisis has allready begun
you have my love but I must concentrate
your picture scrolls though my desktop
reminds me of you
I cant be with you every moment buit you are here with me inside
dont hurt
dont cry
and grow like you never have before
blow them all away
turn the world upside down
have them calling your name
go with your teachers allow them to shape you
just use your spare time to grow
live your art
you should never have to stop except when you can go no further
thats the time you reserve just for me and i for you and we will refressh ourselves in each others triumphs
love always...

At the end of a year its all different. You are the one fuckin it up now you are the one that needs the motivation you are the one that cant hang on and all the words that you wrote are coming back around to you as though it was her that said them. Now the thoughts leading the two of you to now still lie dormant in little text files which you keep trying to organize into one perfect collection. And you realize this is all you have, this collection of moments.

Love is a hard thing to define. There is a world out there all fighing for that chance to define it for you, but I see it when I look into your eyes and I see the softness of your face in your quiet, scared mannerisms. I see you and thats all it takes for me to know what love is and isn't. I wont follow their definitions. I want to make our own...

Sometimes you stare off into space leaving me to wonder what you are thinking curious if you're saving it for when were miles away
then you touch me and open me up to a world without words and all but you fades away.

I wish I was an artist to paint two puzzles pieces
one you and the other me
which would fit so well like they were carved from one
some times I see this sadness in you
I want to kiss it all away and replace it with life
reassure you its not the end
erase your tears

I love your smile, your puty bottom lip
your long dark hair and the way it frames your face
from these heart shaped lips up that perfect nose
to introduce yor beautiful cheeks so ambient when you laugh

You feel every one of these things they are all you. You wrote them for you. You felt them. What has changed but time and distance?

We are a song about falling in love together weĠre a dream I once gave up on
I just want to hold you to give you every night
for the rest of my life
to know you like a husband of 75 years
or a brother but a lover and a friend

I wish this trip would last forever
and it seems so much easier to hurt than to be happy
That we could continue this as if there were no end
As if we weren
t winding toward the end of our journey
I want you to take this path with me to shore
our down time you make me feel alive
you gieve me something to look forward to each morning
I can sleep two hours with you and feel more
refreshed than the whole and alone I can imagine living with you waking ing the middle of the night to go recored those flights of extacy
if i could box up the atmosphere here
and send it to you
i would
in the distance a painting
the way the clouds kissed the mountains
and exploded in sunshine
rippleling out in pink and orange waves
i wish that you could be by my side
and i could see this glow,the colors of heaven, on your face
and that beauty would only be so slight as compared to the sight of your smile
could i buy you happiness with all the gold in the world
or by plucking the stars from heaven

This interaction with her is so bizarre. These words you direct at this angel she never has read most of them but never will. To you she becomes unreal like she is and always has been a figment of you imagination. And you come to the end of the document and look at this conclusion you fabricated in your mind.

the longer I stare at this picture the more it hurts.
I see deeper than the blue tint filter capturing your beauty.
I see all the times we were together.
I REMEMBER who we were, what we've gone through.
I remember the conversation we had that you seem to have forgotten.
that we both pretend didn't happen. You're fighting so hard to make this work.
I'm staring down at the pieces of us and can't find the will power to try to pick them up.

you keep talking of visiting of not breaking up over the phone small trinkets that show me you still care.
Would you think I don't that you don't go through my head every day. Truth is if you came I still think it would be for that.

I can't hold on to this any longer not like this I can't do the phone calls
I don't want to see you rarly and try to cram in enough to last for the rest of a semester.
you clarified things in me that I don't like. I don't want to close doors on anything else that might be
i could never convince you That I do love you and part of that is why i want it this way.
you are one of the last remaining fragments of a life I have to give up
you my angel led me here with out you none of this is possible

how do i let go gently
How do I keep you as a friend
how do I let you know i care
that I wish you happiness
that i think the best of your life still lies ahead
That i think this is really the best for both of us


then this alert appears
it says:

confirm delete
Are you sure you want to delete 'Abby?
yes               no

and there is this hesitation

************************************************************************************* the dusty room ---------------------------------------------------

there was this mansion hidden away in int the woods near a small town a friendly lonely old black man owned it suspended in the middle of the ball room it had a balcony of sorts at the end of a elevated hall way it was a crows nest type room open to the air surrounded by a guard rail the floor was lowered Picture a captains control center in a space ship covered with dust with three grand pianos lowered in to it all out of tune except for one which had jewel keys and was some kind of an organ there was a boy and his sister, well the whole family visited. The name of the town was Paris not the paris in france which most often think of. there was a dark corridor down by the lake only excessable by tunnel and submarine hatches. though ive dreamed about it many times I have never seen it except from the out side no one lives in it they say its haunted

the house was massive

there was a bird a red bird which appered to have been dead for a while a violent bird which plagued the old man and though its size was small its soul was dark and its spirit was that of a dragon i think that paris is a place which people should visit

...and then the alarm clock goes off its this jam session i recorded with some of my friends its so bad I can't stand to listen to it in the morning I guess that why it makes a good alarm clock. I get up and hit snooze and go hop back in bed I'm blurring in and out of dream now, I'm taking this crazy journey...

...the wall stretched out for miles and miles huge stone blocks stacked five times the size of a man. It towered over head. Towers broke the wall into sections he came to the border climbed up and looked out to the other side of the wall to a world of never ending night.

the was a really wild journey into a land of eternal dark but i was too asleep to remember it.

(Combine the ++++++++++++section and my other essays for fiction workshop and you might understand )

the black emperor sits proudly on his throne the rhythm pulsates with taiko drums growing ever faster and louder accompanied by the ever swelling horrible cheer from the dark swarms surrounding the gates

far in the distance a dim light flickers like a ray of hope. let the sun out to wash over me, to cleans me of all this

nothing and then waking from dream where Christopher Walken as a corrupt cop is pulling you over just for the hell of it only to assault you and spray mace in your eyes, framing you for a coke charge, all this the perfect conclusion to the worst day of your life, but it was all just a dream now you get the chance to try again but this time is a go

I think I'm dreaming again

Love looked at me and said do you think its to much noting the massive collection of flowers i said i thought so but it was his wedding

Sarah went ahead to the mansion with Love I stayed behind with my other friends we were going to head down later that afternoon. We joked around on the patio of a hilltop resterant smoking a special pack of golden cigarettes we talked and enjoyed ourselves, dressed as though we were in a the twenties. It was an experience directly pulled from The Great Gatsby, and Love was Gatsby racing around in his little red Porcsh with my girlfriend. Mid meal I recieved a phone call from Sarah. She had a fearful quiver in her voice when she said "I think Love's going insane. Love was always a bit crazy but something in the way she said it scared me. I told her just to go with it and that we would be there in a while. Our lunch was over I payed the tab and walked out into the green surrounding trees and hills towards the parking lot and my car, the birds are chirping and I get in my car, start the engine...

...then that fucking horrible song again. I try to bear through it but can not and lay here its too much for this time in the morning. So i get up again hit snooze and hop back in bed. I'm kind of awake now, kind of asleep

I listen for a long time to the sound of the world in motion, the intricate rhythms of car horns and voices spouting endless chatter masked by the freeway which the wind carries to my window. I always leave the window open. A plane flies over head its such a cool sound it comes from nowhere and resonates from everywhere. I don't want to get out of bed but, unfortunatly, look at the clock, its 9:04, I have class at 9:10. So I fight my way up find a pair of pants on the floor and a shirt from the closet and start walking to class only to discover, when I get there, that there is no class. So, since I'm up and feeling so like shit and a little hung over I decide to go get some breakfast.

So paul comes in, his hair long and straight. He wears this black t shirt with this evil looking kid on it dressed kind of like super man. I watch him as he scans the room and finally sees me, comes over, sits down and begans bitching immediatly "Man i'm so sick of our culture it just pisses me off. I'm sick of all these fat girls wearing their clothes so small that they have these rolls hanging over the sides of their lowcut jeans and these little tight tank tops which make them look like some kind of fucked up alice in wonderland catapillar, and I just love the irony of vegan punk kids buying a salad at Vons on their debit card." I got a good laugh out of that one. he goes on "lack of respect for what others may consider sacred, and all the stupid little pop groups and their pitty little marketable images. I'm sick of hearing bad over repetative rap music with no message blasting from clear channel and mtv." then like he rehearsed it he starts spouting

"you can take da nigga out da ghetto can't take da nigga outa me i'm fancy free subliminaly fuckin wit yo head instead o rantin and ravin an savin muthafuckas from all the shit they thought they knew but never knew at all"

then he sings

"i just wanna make you dance wanna get inside those pants i just wanna fuck fuck"

He stops looks out the window and says, " What contribution can be made when art is irelivant and money is the objective of all?" I tell him "you just gotta be more pop than the next guy but do it with some kind of integrity." then smile and spouts

"iambic pentameter with an interesting rhyme scheme signs of times reflected in masculine rhymes repititions of questions- with reflective tone beauty masquerades as truth, truth as beauty or maybe just maybe they're the same

When the waitress comes over he orders the morning grande burrito, I get the ham and eggs with two slices of french toast.

"look at this" he says "nourishment in the form of a breakfast burrito soggy with greese fuck i need a towl to eat this thing i put on o much hot sauce that I want to puke with each bite what is this shit its not natural my mouth is chemically burning and yet i keep on got to finish it got to finish it the sick mantra my parents repeated over and over when i was a child now just resonates in my head like digital delay with the feed back turned all the way up"

art reflects life

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two older men sat in the diner across the room bitching the same way about their completely different lives -what do i get when you kick the bucket, can you believe that he would ask that? He's not even my kid.

blah blah blah, continuous inane banter is what it appears to an outsider listening in

- hows your daughter doing

- she's happy, she's dating some guy he's some computer guru he's like fifty

the topic drifts to marriage and into his own new wife who used to be his secretary before he divorced his wife and married her he still cant find contentment

-my house looks like a junk keep because of all of her shit she has this pile of stuffed elephants and it looks like shit and then the maids have to come and dust all that shit off

after a while his pal at the table has turned around the conversation on him

- if times are so good why don't they check on the background of these canidates they just push bush and gore

- hey look at this, it would be good for a party, heres a veggie platter for 14.95

-Can you believe they had times when people didn't change underwhere or socks

-"and he runs up to me yelling, "some old drunk fell in the water." and I'm like Your kidding right, thats my co pilot you asshole"

little portions of overheard conversation... broken off by police sirens


so let me get this straight it starts with some random cop's explanation and on to the scribbled paper of a reporter, onto the desk of an editor and pumped out into society through a little blue box outside of a diner, headlines as large as possible, even better if the corresponding picture shocks. Selling desensitization as the only means of knowledge or awareness of the surrounding world...

Alex sips his coffee and looks across at his friend buried deep in the middle of Catcher in the Rye "Hey Jim did you hear about what happened last night about this kid losing it and waxing all these people." He reads The Chronical and commentates refering to the paper, from the paper and passing on information to an un intersested audience. "Interigation of the witness seems more and more bizarre as every thing goes on. The mass murder seem completely cold blooded with out any logical reason the sanity of Kevin Gamondale is in question at time. This boy incapable of remorse. By the time the cops got there he was just curld up in a fetal position in the middle of the carnage, his clothes soaking up the blood covered floor."

the true story comences from here the papers missed out no one witnessed it and lived

Kevin raised his head slowly opening tear filled eyes to the surrounding world, stared down at the gun in his hand and back to the doorway across the room. His thoughts ricoshet around his head. "Rise from this chair, walk the long narrow corridor up the stair, around the corner where they stand dancing, talking loudly in their drunkenness. Raise the uzi to chest level an pull the trigger spraying a mist of bullets into the crowd and when the small explosions stop release the clip, hear it clammer on the ground, replace it with another then another ,then another...."

they took him in a little dark room when they asked "why did you do it."

he shrugged and said, "I felt as if my destruction of them would some how cleanse my ever darkening soul and ridding my self of them would remove the sickness within shit happens its life, uhn, such a worthless experience"

why would you say that

man its fucked you get into this mindset and boom there is no escape who conjurs these morbid fantasies sick and twisted flights of fantasy if reality mimiced thoughts the world would be unsafe like a terrorist with no religious motivation driven on by the desire to simply end that which you despise not to change it but just to have the whole disgusting mess washed away."

Funny five blocks away the police are still cleaning up the further extension of that disgusting little mess with plastic yellow tape and plastic surgeons gloves and plastic body bags. Same time Jim and Alex get off work at the plastic plant to get those first hot right off the press papers detailing the act that happened 8 hours before and no one knows no one cares but the victims the friends and families life goes on. And its not so much that no one cares as it is no one reads papers, no one shares their lives, no one has any connection to anyone else.



Christopher steals away to the patio thinking "I like it better here the gentle whirr of the cars mingles and twists into the sounds of childrens laughter. I envy them still so full of life they have not yet fallen to the fate of their parents and their endless assortment of cigarettes. Los Angeles has a dark undertow, an under current or an evil vibe. Sometimes I feel as though the ground will burst open and broods of ants or other insects will start pouring forth. but the children with their little bycycle helmets of assorted hues they don't seem to notice they just play with each other conversating in that funny way children do chewing buble gum in base ball outfits bouncing a giant rainbow colored tie died ball the littlest ones intrigued by such things as bottles

When the sprinklers come on every one takes notice for a moment then return to play

There is a young black father playing hide and go seek with his little boy...

"Well Mike it a lovely day in Southern California"

"Yes it is Jim quite a day indeed. How about you give us the line up for today?"

"I'd love to Mike. Facing off in Black we have Pop. Pop is going head to head gainst the fierce apponent Kid."

"It should be a very entertaining event. Lets take a look and see What's happening on the field Jim"

"Well mike it appears that every one is ready to go"

"we'll be giving you a play by play.....and were off!"

"pop puffs on his cigarette as he counts"

"... 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30"

"ready or not here I...wait just a moment kid has pulled out the secret momma weapon"

"he's not ready yet."

"well she can certainly boss pop around if anyone can"

"Oh no momma is pointing now"

"kids certainly got the advantage now if he follows, and he does."

"Yes a nice play by Kid"

" and he's heading up the stairs, just a few more, and he could go all the way"

"now he's hidden away lets see if Pop can find him now"

" I think that Kid has defintly chosen a perfect hiding place, you see what he has done is removed himself from the line of sight by taking the higher ground and with the double sided stair case he should have an easy escape if spotted."

"Pop continues smoking his cigarette"

"... and mom gives the go ahead "

"wow look at the speed of Pop"

"well mike I think more important is his form, look at the way he's scanning across everything" like a panther on the hunt"

"Oh and Pop appears to have spotted Kid"

"Kid squeals Pop is giving chase and gaining rapidly"

"There Goes Kid down that other side"

"Oh, and a suprise move by Pop, switching directions at the last moment"

" I think that Pop's going to use his speed advantage to counter Kid"

" Kid does't see him to his right and..."

"Pop swoops up Kid, he's captured now!"

" And match one has been concluded with a victory by Pop. The score at half is 1 - 0 we are going to cut now to a commercial break. Stick around and we'll have the second half coming up shortly.

"its your turn now' says the dad the little boy turns to count pop lays down on a ledge the little boy turns to look and cant find him the little guy walks past the bushes of the over hang. he walks right past his dad but doesn't see he looks to mom who sneaks a finger out exposing pop the little boy turns seeing him lying there and the all laugh the boy gives chase pop dodges right "I got skills" says the dad "can't touch this" finally after a long while pop lets the boy catch him falling on the ground.

Christopher smiles at the two girls with the water bottle when they walk back by. He remembers them from before the older blonde he he thought had a really pretty face to match the rest of her.

and slowly as the warmth of the sun dives below the mountains in the horizon the presence of people diminishes as his fingers get to cold to be outside any longer.

He gets up and notices two little old ladies walking along one hunched so far over and the other by her side walking her gently strolling along so the other doesn't fall over

All through out life we have unknown spectators who watch from afar admiring our lives some look up wanting to be just like us. some simply admire the opprtunity that lay ahead of us

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ "hash browns two slices of bacon and an english muffin" it was like clock work i could have ordered for Tony every time. I wanted hot choclate i didn't care about anything else. Tony says "have you heard this peice by Miraslov, Art and Numar" It had been a long week with no showers and I'm sure we stunk to high hell or low hell, whatever, i feel sorry for the waitress time means nothing the journey had no beginning or end. I think this is exactly how this all started. Sitting in this diner not really talking about our lives or experiences just random doodling like everyone else.


We left that night to find ourselves in the desert. Adam, his room mate Dave, Nick and Tony Planning took all day though the general idea was concieved in just a few moments. Preparation took about an hour and 45 minutes at least to actually leave in Adam's Explorer leaving behind the life at Calarts and that world which slowly eats away at our souls. Down the five and onto the fourteen east for hours.

cool night slightly foggy embraces us we decend winding down the mountain away from the never ending lights all i want is for all to fade into the rear view i will be born again Reality and dream twist and intertwine stereo pumping an electronic music awakening

Music was always the interum between journeys, or guess i should say durring journeys, blasting out of every ride we took. It seems there is always some kind of a sound, some form of music, from the static saturated am radio of the nineteen-eighty-eight farm truck to the Beach Boys and Santana and the other roaring fifties pop rock on cassettes in the nineteen-thirty-four Ford sedan on the way to rod runs now instead of looking out the window of the back seat and seeing hundreds of old classic cars racing by I see the silouettes of the mountains. the music has changed the mood, the emotion is the same.

Music and memory always side by side racing along with me in my first car, the silver bullet my hand me down lumina from my sister. Thats when it became life when I started making compilation tapes and listneing to them on the way to play music with friends. it was the pop of the ninties then. I look at my self then and laugh that music its so silly but its what I chose its what chose me, its what I've chosen to turn my back on but its still influences me. When I got the Monte Carlo I was thrilled, I loved the Cd player and my customized speaker system from Stan's Car Stereo, thats about the time I started recording. I can trace life back all the way through music. Its always the sound thats the map of life at least for me.

the way the sound wrapped around me made me feel any way I wanted, if I thought about it a little.

I open my eyes and stare out the window of the diner I'm so at peace right now I love where life has brought me. I listen to the sounds of the kitchen the plates klinking together, the sound of the people talking. I look across the room and see so many familar faces and moments

It was the second desert trip we returned from this time both were the same and different one journey in all Some how I ended up here sipping on hot chocolate, this is my third cup and thats all that really matters.

I judge time by the two and one half cds we've heard on the way when we finally get there and then realize we are lost on an atv path. eene meene minee mo which direction should we go

Then find our way again to the shock of the convention who has previously inhabited our ideal camping spot. We move past them further into the surrounding night and unknown. Then we stop and finally escape the confines of the car. The freedom of the air engulfs us the sound of the silence is so perfect so relaxing. I run, through the dark, out and back to the car this release from my cage.

We set up the tents smoke a bowl or two. I take some pain killers some set up for hikes. I climb rocks and run off to type for a little while to make record of the expirience, and realizing trying to capture this beauty only destroys it. , the light of the computer screen drowning out the stars and night. This is a time to live.

I close the computer and marvel at this creation of God. This is amazement, this is my dream this is the closest I have felt to home in a long time.

tones of the sky when the darkness of it becomes the only light early before the morning before the sun the cold the clouds break exposing all the stars and heaven seems to just look at you the darkness swells and takes its final breath as it melts into purples and blues anfinallypink and orange morning comes the sun rises wash over me sets me free

closed eyes one side dies I left him in the desert whithering and dying on that rock of a bed the part of me I always wanted to remove and i climbed the rocks downward jumping from one to another and walked the mile or so back to the cave campsight in silence to be greeted once again by friends - my new family a change for the better a commitment to my future to follow my destiny to follow god peace over took me and sleep was not far behind the ride home was a blur concluded by stumbling down the hall with the sleeping bags and dying on the bed for the next 6 hours of daylight i consecrated the change by cutting my hair when i woke. i am new now for the hard part to remain that way

I fell I always fall

take two

Traffics moving very slow. I'm stoned again. down the freeway I go amidst the gentle giants of the road jazz yeah jazz

there was truck over on its side its body cut in half by the median of the road

{cut to robots} "we have discovered the remains of a giant creature" for robot kind was very small. They were very interested in what these gigantic skalitans constructed from iron bones like theres were. I wondered what would happen with out us if human kind ended and left only cars and trucks and computers be hind would they ever forget where they came from or discuss philosophy would they wonder of god marveling at all he created. Would our movies become some kind of bible to them would they mistake our fantasy for their history. how does it cycle

0100 1011 0000

and then we get to the desert again for exactly the same purpose except its spring break. This is true spring cleaning. After a few days with out civilization i feel kind of wild like i'm belonging.

a strange gravity effects my weight and i've forgot my face my boy's shape my vanity can no long er betray my spirit and my will

then here here come that confusing cultural part telling you know everywhere you think a yes should go

flowers turn to flames a clear sky into rain

life is here man

world to world very strange beauty anstrominian beauty from another place and time the red desterts creating their own civilization

We searched endlessly for a peak to watch the sunset from. What we found instead was a long about with a mountain and a few hours of spelunking

That night I moved into the big 8 tent with Cory and Justin when they arrived. We smoked together from a long hobbit pipe then ate chips and salsa. Jimmy kicked over the salsa we all joined in the fun of cleaning up and went to sleep in preperration for our journey tommorrow.

the sky was brighter than ever I kept thinking "this is Gods play ground and these huge boulders must seem like mear pebbles to the creator"

staring into the sky watching the clouds twist and turn making 3d fractals in the the sky the four of us cory, adam, tony and I set out on our journey. For me it wasn't the drugs but the expirience, none of us planned on it to be to much. Dave was our guinee pig he took his in advance and said that they sucked and didn't do anything for him, then left early cause he was jewish and had to follow the sabbath law which says he cant do anything from friday sunset until saturdays sunset. So he left friday morning just before the drugs were taken. We said our good byes and wished him a good journey we watched him drive away in the green little bug winding his way from the camp site.

AMIDST THE ROCKS we discovered a utopios garden

We did the drugs on the top of that mountain in a clearing amidst the rocks. There was no elaborate ceremony we just took each of ours together to begin our journey. We stayed awhile, talked a little, then got up and walked a while and climbed to a long passage way there we basked in the sun staring into the sky. The clouds twisted around moving so fast and here we waited till the drugs sat in.

I refuse to record the expirience because that's my prison, that's life and its not meant to be tamed its meant to be lived. Maybe someday I will reminisce and tell the tale of joshua tree to my grandchildren over a plate of over medium eggs. and what a tall tale it will be. I will probably leave out the acid. the story is not so much aside from the imagination

here is one piece of info...insight maybe.

in the middle of the journey a song is plays on my minds radio, coming in though scratches and static its this slow piece kind of ambient electric guitar and this crying intense voice comes in on top singing: {you set out you set out alone on this journey}

and it made all the sense in the world, so I ran off to be by myself. along with being alone and lost in the desert for three hours came my understanding and clarity and freedom.

I realized I can be whoever i want i realized that changing you hair or clothes doesn't make you a different person that there is no way to remove your past from you and that the moment you are living is all there is

Its life 
it doesn't have 

life is me typing this 







...decisions made may not have been the best I determined that I was an animal or a recon army guy any how I stayed out until night fell. I was in line of sight of the camp the entire time, watching them, hurling little rocks at them, going in closer and closer sneaking in, hiding be hind bushes to freak them out i guess my pebbles never found their appropriate targets. When I actually made it into camp it was empty. They had gone down to the grounds. But I heard Nick and Byrd and Byrd's girlfriend coming so i hid beside a bush I would have sat there watching them but Nick said he had to pee and started in my general direction. In order not to be pissed on i blew my cover. Nick told me I was an idiot and that they were going to call a ranger to find me. I said "but I'm here"

- "they don't know that" I hear back. I kind of felt bad but didn't want to show it. So I began a rapid sneak down to the grounds. I noticed that there was an unknown couple at our fire pit and oddly made note of it to cory, then went on to stop the search party from getting a ranger to find the found me. Tony and Adam were the searchers I made my weird sounds really loudly my voice cut through the night. in a few seconds a voice other than my own echoed my coded calls which have no meaning aside from knowing the sources and the awareness of my return was established.

We ate like crazy that night because it was our last night there and we had all this food leftover from the trip. We tried to finish off all the hot dogs, and black beans, and sausage and smores, and bread, and rice and the sandwich meat but it couldn't be done.

I sit now in the tent knowing soon it will be time to go back to reality, back to the grind and daily tasks but i choose to not let the journey end here I choose to live like I want I choose to simplify life to be more aware to stop trying to record every moment and instead live life like it should be

then here - here comes that confusing cultural part telling you no everywhere you think a yes should go

fuck i have class again...

freedom wageon foelkiue use it oganization what are you doi ng so what are you going to do? Are you just going to sit there? Not to productive are you? make a mistake stop give up right there practice like that play like that you will never make it work if you do it that way move past mistakes don't let them bog you down take note and keep going free me from this world madnes insues fall of theses things going to gether scambling they are files make the files look like the room see it this way my language is my own

the Ilkina people were a tribe that man has long forgoten in truth they weren't a tribe at all they had an empire npoo nno no do i t this way jut get up and run

we are all a little foolish some times completely to be blamed for our wrongs and the way we treat others be kind be kind be faithful and true

funny how greedy am i want this all for me im too proud to let in others to allow for collaboration just think how hard it is to tell a story with only one character

the judge - inside myself

john 16-17 truth john 21 :18

i awoke under the tree of life i went to sleep their under the tree of knowledge after gorging myself with law but law won't clean you out just makes you aware of yourself...

afraid to speak out to tell my story to sing my odes to be the character

that small voice inside saying if only i had this one thing if only... you never end up being satisfied there is always somthing else

listen to the world around you and we create this masterpeice

there is always much more to the story our realm of madness do you let them down you a...

a heavy crazy out guitar pulls you from the daze your in your imagination a johaku sound amplitude and pitch simultaneoussly moving upwd

dark free in the back there is a madness asduhg;akcfjvzxp f;afdjgjfall defrtejioc to much feeling not enough brain ;lekrfjhokivn;ewokn.d,jh

the conductor in the cage ;plosdkifjh

it all scrambles you don't loisten you have your teacher all the time in all your recordings

the way the letters on this

I look out my window basking in you and yet, its just your presence, your being there completely unaware of me. I wish you were i wish that you knew me that i could touch you that we could laugh that i would realize this goddess is just as normal as any other girl but here i am marveling at you through a pane of glass and we will probly never meet.

i stopped like a car run out of gas and behind me the avalanche was closing in

all these fucking mixed metaphors

i keep neglecting reality for this fucked up dream state I cant even stay in the real world can't concentrate

this is all getting to confusing i can't follow any more its going to many directions where did I meet you how did we become friends its like ive known you for ever but I know i haven't known you for long

a strange dejavu where i not only feel like i have been here before but also receive a glimpse of forsight into what has yet to be

darkness takes you

tunnels passages play all your files to gethers smaller now quit puttin chop\ fre jazz lost and loosing their reveberations in the distance i hold the key the key is in me

another ineteruption

so they created these schools to make the world a da what the fuck is a da

maddnes again

Wait i remember the story she sees the fall and ....

kyle is a golden gao shut up adam why are you typing in my shit you fucked it up now

we find our world its ours all over again

a strange sunset

breath this moment of night chasing the sun

Bruises mask the brightness behind and slowly all dissapears

but the evening is the morning in another world

i miss you

e=i=out i= of a wondow '[plays nosic and o am so tired /klso mich ror dteaminso mich for the never emdomf so its two oclock in the mormning and im drunk typing away wishing that the sounds of tonight are on eternal log and knowin that

I'm sitting in a greasy spoon and all these characters are people I've been and yet I don't know them they seem alien to me

i fell asleep there