search to find self = imperitive...

The pages were all empty ...

The story was my own to create

the old man told me the book would be my companion my guide the teacher within my memory
he told me to write my future to construct the world that would be.
you see the story
is always better than the
way we live

things lost
words wisked away by wind
i sometimes wish i could get back
why do i desire them so much
my foolish focus of past
why do i give into this curse
the record keeper
i need to live
i want to live but can't
i must capture
this stupid trite world for you
why desire this
who do i do it for
is it selfishness
is it
the castle is comming down
it crubles to the ground
the end of the party
outside inside
this is virtual
noticing this illusion that every one tries to make reality
looking away as if your a intrigued by somthing in the distance
west ward ever west ward all the way to the ocean
his world had been atlantis
and his was the last home to not fall off
this is the journey or voyGE GOES
first time so fast all each song in one note
in creation
big bang is noise
let the storry right itself
cage breaks apart is lifted up into the sky
cut to animation on screen in front of character
dave souls on parade revision
character is suspended once cage is wisked away
there is a ship in the harbor
bells ring
they are loading in big barrells
but your eyes open that morning and every thing is ok
there is a magical beauty in the air
nymphs dance around covering the forest with glitter
life begins to sparkle
an exuberance and glow contrasts with the horrors of the night
time i feel like i'm trying to steal moments from god and he is just giving them to me
like i'm climbing a mountian thats growing
up ward and upward
the film starts out with this campaign promising utopia
like a trailer almost
all these people being given
these shot up cars with no seats in them offered freely to the poor to fix up and make them thair own
the video has a light blue tint to it
cuts to a guy hypnotized in a chair
the doctors tell him he can go back to base LR5
he is wearing colored sunglasses
they tell him to be careful and go on his way
he gets on a motorcycle and start riding across a brownish gray desert terain
there are all these bizzarre animalls li wolves running around
and then these sabertooth tiger looking animals that make a clip clopity kind of sound
all the animals are this dusty gray color lik
e jack rabbits kind of he comes to an army base check point
white gates a big faciliaty the let him pass
i get the feeling the guy is a little slow kind of retarted
next shot the guy isin a chair susbended against the walls
a pretty psychologist doctor girl takes off his glasses an tells him
you will now wake feeling refreshed blah blah blah
she goes to the side room around the corner
his eyes move and he begins to stir as he wakes she returns
you can tell there is somthing more between the two of thm
A long hall way with doors any door you open up is a different reality.
some times in the search for your self you find a scared litle monster

I float and I fade and I fall apart
north were the foressts
west> were the oceans of sancia estheras
the journey
so in the big bang
YOU SEE All of you art
life in reverse
under standing how clouds of knowledge fill
the sky
the ocean
the island we came to
sall becomes the souls on par\ade
you begin building on
that which we all create
and the river flows
the snake your bosy
you hands and feet
are unforgiving to your mind
it spins all aroud
a whirlwind
and in another world one brother becomes another
money runs down to zero
still stealing
the little ones whats for them
how do you live to leave an exaple
and at the edge of the woods there was this little old man whittleing
just whittling away
whittle whitle whittle
so much is happening
clean it

and he turns and he says to me
there is so much there that you forget sometimes to see what is possible
you have for gotten the past you are so much like them
like those you
call names and despise its you
its been you all along
the one you keep calloing they
the teacher inside
the colaboration of them all
the positives of each
this is the ideal teacher no one is listening all the time they just keep going
doing there own thing
all improvising but noone is listening he who learns to listen has already learned
the insanity of the clowns
in the middle of souls on parade
like dumbo fucked animations
i'm answering these questions
the rythm of a vocalist
was my self who was asking the question
none of the sound ever goes away
its always there
finding and loosing
i understand my mom
the reason she hangs
on so long
this is our revolution
this is our celebration
of life
each breath is a miricle
each moment is a gift
we all chase that somthing like a rabbit across a feild
at the corner there was somthing new it was a studio junkyard
semis andother props lay piled around
we went for a walk on the other side
we ended up out near residential area that looked like that which is around ucla
when we walked across the street acop pulled around and turned on his lights
dad joked around like he does with everyonejust being his normal friendly self i knew better
he got out and started questioning me and dad
i thought they are going to think he is drunk
and then we had alchohol
which dad began to consume blatently
in fron of the two officers who were asking uss what we were doing comming out of the studio
which at this point was begginning to look like a park
dad proceded taking beer shots by placing the shot glass in his smouth
flipping it up with his tounge
me and chad who magically apppeared took the beer away from him
chad suddenly broke out with a guitar and began playing love song by tesla the chorded version
in mid verse the officer aske him his social security he kept playing
i started to give him mine and asked what are you maikin a mis mash of us,
i dobn't know his social only mine
then out loud i said 449 and woke up.
as the end drew near
we watched the sun burn out
into a halo, turning middle sky into a most spectacular pink and orange soup
i turned and saidin eight minutes everything would be pitch black
his eyes shot open fear had overtaken him.
when i grow up i want to be
a space suit designer
capable of designing all the suits of mank kind
a plash of world music
enough to see there views
living for today brings consequence tommorow
you can see it like a wave
curling up before you
and you think of your family of the young ones from your tribe your clan
not like these here crumbling
don't envy
don't envy
i feel so alone
so seperarated
this is where the learning
all the doubt and fear
and paranoia
there athese sscientists posing as doctors do ing these secrete control experiments on us
biological psychological
war fare
slowly morphing our brains
into the right synapses
sothat they could have power over us
deep in the land of little kids
even i am a little childish
abuse of my rights
everyone is ou to get me
anokother idol another face in the miror
what have you learned
a lot
like what
well i was introduced to world music
to different cultures
in essence it reinforced my whole life
all the trips all the journeys i took
me the prodigal son
me the lost one
and my brother how he must feel
how he hurts how all hurt in the same way for different reasons
"don't you feel that somthing eating away at you" the old man asked me
after the crash i stayed with love for a week tending to his wounds until his uncle showed up
life had changed it was like being given a second chance
walk in love
give what you can
be kind
don't complain
have integrity
have tenderness
the warior sets out on his journey alone
life is borrowed time
journey home
as the sun crashes at my heals
its impossible to describe the beauty of the desrert mountains at dusk
just inside of arizona
i stopped for gas because it was the first i had seen for 1.99 the gas pumps shut off at 2.35
i got some sun glasses and waited for the pumps to be reactivated
and i waited and i waited
dusk turned to night
pilot gas station
i talked with a girl coming from utah
after a long day of road and desert
spent the night in king man
where every one is a pawsser thru
people who live here are escaping the world
they hide here i n the desert
at a pace of life slower than death
its a ghost town it still feels like 1985
ate at calico
a small diner
with about 7 people including staff
elton john sang can you feel the love tonight
my waitress gave me a free glass of orange juice
i gave her a five dollar tip
i miss people
i miss the connection
shared between friends
on the road again
i just can't wait to get on the road again
the warrior wandered across the desert
across harsh vegitation and a harsher climate
one night in lubbock
so close to home and all my darker plans and possibillities are splayed before me
so sick of the party
the return is so saddenning
i never want to look back on this place
i don't want them anyone to know i am here for the summer
i feel like a slacke r like a fool
i should be away
learning to live on my own
i should have my own place to keep nice
to have guests visit
to work and live from
i should have a job sharing my talents
what good are they if unused
live with honor
what honor is there in standing behind an army
what honor is there in pushing a button and executing millions
how can war exist
except for one agaisnt one a fight is not fair
the wind blows gently tonight
my mindfeels caught in that wind
tossed and turned by the air
the sound through the trees at my home
where i learned of life
in the stillness of this small town
in the ever crumbling simplicity
slowly becoming more and more like a city
the old giving way to the new
this is a magical place
the big cotton wood
the womnd chimes
jingle as i sit on my front porch
swinging in that swing so seldom visited
how co i forget
why would i
the bigger it grows
the more like california
the lesser the escape
ending what i have
the task at hand to fall in love with life
and happines
that little girl on the bench
i asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up
you know what she said
it rained all that summer
like i had never seen it rain before rain before
the country was as green as i had only imagined it
what is it to be a hero
all the people in this world ar different people they are the true selves they are our character
whats true in our minds is true no matter if anyone else believes it
dave things to interpret
ship set sail acros the sea of sacred stars(Sancia estheras)
storm sequence ship comes up on a gigantic wall of dark storm within this storm
are ghosts
like going through hell or more like the world of the dead
on the otherside is heaven in some sense
its this world of past and present combined
but the guy wakes up on this beach
suspension sequence
the text of the piece is
just a soul lost and alone in a place unknown
suspended in the shapless shadow of death
afraid of what the future holds
cant move on or let go
of this life once had thats now fading away
wait not yet
not now
i can't let go though its surrounding
reasuuring me theres so much more than this and its not the end
so loosen up this grip and slip away
to a place thats pulling thought and memory like gravity
and overwhelming me with
all its strength
against the demons deep inside
telling me to run and hide
telling me to fight and stay alive
this is important
the silver thred snaps unveiling earths nebulous antithetic plane
a dancing vibrant mass of mists a multitude of manes
emenate from gaia twisting and spining painting the ethereal canvas a polychromasia of color
purples blues greens like streaked wet fire works
this part will be all crazy and expirimental
like a moving pollock painting with more dirrection
fantasy novel
an alagory
parralelingnormal exestance detailed in soundtrack
souls on parade--extend, graphic, clean
the ship -out to sea on the boat across an ocean wich turns to stars
and then im in the ocean and i'm drowning
and i end up on a coastline of a world of the past
that first night i lay under neeth the stars
lost and alone listening to the ocean crash against the sand
and now i'm completly overwelmed im so lost
my world begins to crumble and where do i have to turn
watching my self fall flat on my face watching myself drown in a sea of anguish
my body drawn
down by the undertow of dreams turnedd sour.
how is it i can have done so much and so little at the same time
my life is turning on me
and yet it doesn't seeem so bad
i fail in one area and yet seem closer to the destination i have chosen for myself
i spend my time drawing in the sand incompleted pictures
i paint only to be washed away in the coming tide
i think of her of the things we used to have of the love we shared
that flower i cut off just above the root
the butterfly i kept all for myself watching its body wither in captivity
when i return from the desert
i just want to sleep now
i just want to lay down and die
i want release i want a conclusion
i don't want to fret what they will think
when i return when they get the letter in the mail
of how poorly I did
they will be more impressed with my music my art
'then they will see all that i have neglected
tonal skills
the weight of these two
my room looks like a disaster all the peices of me lay scattered about
the mirror
the rift of the spirit
good and evil
the black emperor
lights go out dark ness
act one sceen one
let ther be light
creation peice noise through filters
after noise comes souls on parade
the house was my dream house
older but still my fantasy
past the ball room was an atrium
the room is large but from with in it never ends
a special atrium containing its own universe
me the record keeper
this stupid tright world for some one else
there is alwaysw much more tio the stor;ryour realm of madness
do you let them down
you a
dark fre in the aback ther e is a madnexss
f;afdjgjfall defrtejioc
to much feeling not enough brian ;lekrfjhokivn;ewokn.d,jh
the conductor in the cage
it alo scrambles you don't loisten
;you have your teacher all the time d\
the way the letters on this
ending what i have with one i so dearly love
i asked her wnatshe wanted tpo be when she grew up
happy all the people in this world ar different people they are the true selves
they are our character
afraid of what the future holds

a dancing vibrant mass of mists a multitude of manes
that first night i lay under neeth the stars lost and alone listening to the ocean crash against the sand
the ball room
the library
the atrium
the forest inside
we travel for eight days and come to a clearing a great wide open plain
animals run wild and free it is a land of past so murged with future ...
the sub marine hatches
down by the lake- the glass windows the aquarium
you look out into murky water and see fish and a city that once was
but has been flooded and deserted the long tunnel leading to what...
how was it designed after the flood
the hopuse was on the mountan ridge long before the flooding it once looked own upon the city
when they flooded the land the rich owner of the house had this built for some reason
eighty feet below the surface of the water
right through the center of the valley town/city
the house was my dream house
the things lost the words wisked away bu=ythe wind

west ward ever west ward all the way to the ocean
big bang is noies
let the storry write itself
the need to capture every thing
is my cage my prison

i releaseher fome her prison to my prison of work
what are you doi ng
\madnes insues
falll of thesesthings going to gether

they are files make the files look tliked the romm
se it thes way
my language is my own
the ilkina
people were

tribe tha man has long forgoten
sdark ness takes you
play all your files to gethers
smalol er noww
quit puttin chop\
fre jazz
lost a nd loosing
their reveberations in the distanc i hold the key the key is in me
so they created these school s to make the world a da
maddnes agaoin another ineteruption
i remember the story
she sees the fall
we find our world
all over again
but the morning is the
in a nother world
the ocean in me was drowning
the one at sea
the learning happens
as you create your view
your teachers point you in a direction

but you have to learn what lies down the road for yourself
we are all victims of
biological psychological war fare
scientists posing as doctors conduct secret experiments
slowly morphing our brains

re routing synapses
to gain power over us
its all about control
everyone is out rule the whole human race
another idol another face in the miror
my life is on borrowed time

so close to home and all my darker plans and possibillities are layed before me
so sick of the party

the return is so saddenning

how can war exist

endinig what i have with abby
i asked her wnatshe wanted tpo be whe n she grew up

the mirror

the rift of the spirit

good and evil

the black emperer

the journey

the house

the eyes of the bird view all that the evil one sees the bird has died a thousand times

seperate the stories to put them back together

meat your characters create their psychology

understand them

but your eyesopen that morning and every thing is ok
a guy hypnotized in a chair
the doctors tell him he can go hback to base lr 5
they telll him to be careful and go on his way he gets on a motorcycle and start riding across a brownish gray deser terain
e jack rabbits kind of he comes to an army base check point white gates a big
faciliaty the let him pass
there is this lon g hall way with doors any door you open up is a different reality.
and we sreate this masterpeice
THe score
listen to the world around you

there is alwaysw much more tio the storr your realm of madness
dom wageon

use it
need to captuer every thing
if my cage is the
sshe sees the fall
and numar
a strang sunset
the computer program take situations and plays music acordingly do to circumstance
I love you. That's all there is to it.
I can't make it any more simple. My love for you is so strong.
I just want you to know that. I know I tell you all the time,

but I can't help it. When you love someone you want to make sure they know it.
I know you shouldn't just express it with words there should be actions too.
I think that I try to do both. I just want you to know. I love you.
That's all there is to it...
john watson yeah he was this behavoirist in america
he argued that you can't study mental proccessesif they cannot be observes\d
in usa 1920 to the 1966 psychology was defined as the science of behavior
we're all searching for that revolution
desire our own mark
our own way to change the world for the beter
but revolutions arent fashion
they cant be started and left alone
our world of quickies could never sustain
somthing important enough to change
iraq aint vietnam
no matter how much you bitch and moan
jump on that band wagon lets make some noise anyway
pupets arent political
our celebrities cary no message
follow this way
all you sheep
you need somthing to beleive to bring you together
we were and will be one
you are loved
not by anyone in particular
celebrate the life in you
celebrate today

be thank full for the opportunity lying ahead
each breath is a miricle

and then we had alchohol which dad began to consume blatently
in fron of the two officers who were asking uss what we were doing comming out of the studio which at this point was begginning to look like a park dad proceded taking beer shots sby placing the shot glasss sin his smouth aflipping it up with his toung s i started to give him mine and asked what are you maikin a mis mash of us, i dobn't know his social only mine
my life is on borrowed time
good / evil
| | | | | |
NRGMMM,GMDNS,SNRNDMDMM,MMRGMGRS, . -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
| |

-- -- sidharta -founder of buddism.>500bc-480bc
four noble truths-
1)all is suffering dukka
2)suffering is caused by desire
3)if one can eliminate desire they can eliminate suffering
4)the nobel Eightfold path can eliminate desire
the eight fold path - the way to acheive nirvana-oblivion when one overcomes desire
sila- to be in rihgt mind set
1)right views
2)right intent
3)right words
5)right livlihood
6)right effort
7)right mindfulness
8)right conclusions
moksha - eternal bliss in hinduism attained after death
chakra- well continuous
samshara-world within the world
karma -through your good deeds you can attain moksha
budha- knowledge alone , one who has attained knowledge
inittially there is no concept of reincarnation in budhism,
but later it is adopted from hinduism
200 bc Mauryan empire->king ashaka
pataliputra->capital of ashakas empire
ayonda-capital of hindu empire
budha->died at 80 he wished to be cremated ,
remenence, bone teeth and nails be distributed, stupas
stupas - burial morned budha is just symbolised for till 3rd century AD
yaksi- guardian angels
fuck computers
my compuyer is dying
can't wate my time any more
foghting geting angry
as it stumbles
and falls
be able to bring up windows
out of earlier in your progr
Kiss of the Spider Woman
beautiful story
I like the multiple stories at the same it works well
complicating the mind and this is only the first chapter
this is something to use more in my own writing
Dark, it really went with the piece
i wrote for the never ending story, with the exception that mine did not have a story.
I began to be more aware of this failure of mine, this flowery writing,
Flights of fantasy tend to give a more novelistic approach.
Its a strait narrative from the dark soul detailing the perversions of a twisted fuck.
Creepyness an opposite of most fantasies in which the sickness is in the dream
and the real world is the calm inside one.
The companion piece I liked because at first it was hard to tell who was narrarating it
the two characters turn into more.
so much of this same morbid, sexually perverse, attempt to shock, succeeding writings.
tend to play to peoples darker sides
grammer... man... who has time?
Flannagan uhhh... mastabatory
there are rays of light though
and a humorous flare
the journal
gets so constipated
little tidbits of idea strewn about
all my writings jammed together
when i broke it apart the part just above that lost relevance
banal - nice word
murder and true crime in suburban neighborhood
who ever makes a beast of himself
loses the pain of being human''
evil is easier
the dark just seems natural
need an action sequence
a parallel for abstract thought
concrete physical reality
most writings here don't have that
need somthing tangible
not just the thoughts that hide in the background
where's the action where's the story
city - metropolis LA and new york combined
small town- Plainview, Floydada
fantasy world -contains all crazy worlds
mountains forest
spirit world - gaia
giving up control
letting go
inhibition removal
maybe just desensitivisation
so much granted to the dark
shocking is good
so raw
set up the audience by playing on carnal desires and morbid fantasy
we all have them no one wants to admit it
but if thats all there is what is truly there
limit the flowery writing
how do you cronicle bad times with out whining
add comedy
realize the rut your stuck in
make a sharp turn
i asked for rain
it rained all day
put a filter on everything
makes everything look greener
more alive
a fresh beggining
like springtime
kind of cliche
its how i felt
thanks god
its impossible to save yourself
itslike throwing a rope to yourself while plummeting
into that bottomless pit
their is no catch point where the rope will snag and break the fall
so downward you fall faster and faster.
when the raising of a child creates bizzarre boundaries
they cannot comprehend where they begin or end.
do you know where you begin and end
how much do you cross and intertwine with those you come in contact
what have i landed in
why is it so dark
the escape from reality leads to a fear


this dream becomes a nightmare

if you

let it

try to save the


for when you need it

fight it and enjoy

let the dark skies pass revealing the blue beauty which lay beneath

mission marriage of art and knowledge
jazz plays in the front two speakers
from the back lo fi
walk out side today to a world of gray that's ok I like it that way heard a morning bird chirp and thank god for a beautiful day A name

A peaceful calm in the cool night air
its been a beautiful day

a moment away from raining
earlier standing by the side of the road
feet in grass so green
staring to the horizon
watching the earths silhouette against a grayish blue sky
reminds me I am free and alive
something perfect in the air tonight

a touch of God
an unusual electrical charge
feeling the cold air collide against my face
surrounded by the cool night air
I dance
nothing is more precious than this moment
if I could stay here forever I would
an eternity like this
but the rain has begun to die away
And I know all to well
that it shall all be gone
and once again
IÕll be all alone
the air is nice here
my faces presses against this cool breeze
it felt good to be alive to day


there is a great tree of life we all climb upon like monkeys in the jungle of our existance.
so like children in the garden
our birth is the trunk the rising from the ground
the roots and braches a reflection of each other
inside meeting outside
we come to each branch each fork and are forced to make a decision concerning the direction we go after choosing our way all other options are left to the side we can no longer change but instead add new paths to the one we have chosen taking our art to the next level a more broad range of thinking and when we reach our leaf
which we become changing to a most vibrant color
we will know that we lived life in the only way that was possible for us and followed every path chosen for us to make us what we were meant to be beautiful trees,

see the grains in the bark
up to the structure of the leaves always spreading
reaching out ward like the infinite paths of life which we have to choose from
trees diffracting like a nerve endings a synapse to another plane of existence
all the channels to be taken of all the infinite pathways you can choose only one
but eventually all lead to the air
a connection to two plains one above, one below
traveling by foot across the world
in the distance a blue mist envelopes everything on the ground darkening before giving way to the sky a dark storm brooding juxtaposed with the coming night fall
clouds gather making a dark canopy against the sky
slowly yeilding to the night
the way the moon back lit the dark clouds
exposing a giant rip in the darkness
on the edges both hard near the moon and beccoming soft as the clouds drifted away
the clouds looked like water
the light of the moon seems like ripples
a gray filter on a midnight sky
the air is so still there is a beauty in the calm
Is it not a beautiful night?
Are we not blessed?
choose this new beginning.
candle light sessions
start from focus point at zero
out forevever
in forever
at some point the two repeat
the knowledge has always been a web
in a computer screen
its seen
like never before
through a newly opened door
Get to the journey within
within dreams/death
knocked back starring at self in a mirror
mirror shatters scattering into oblivion
suspension in darkness
Universal travel and the ethereal plains
souls on parade the artistÕs art - with in it
in a world built on collective memory
in this place out of time companions are met
from decades long passed and yet to come on earth but arriving at the same time he arrived
sharing the one common bond of searching for a better place (hebrews 11:13 -16)
they journey throu this world constructed of achitecture from all time primative and hi tech.
from across the globe huge journey a world with no ending for the longest time it was heaven there in the house with my father
we would sit and talk out on the front porch
i had free run of the farm the green beauty of it all
almond trees
there were all these other characters that he couldnÕt see or chose not to see
that I saw these were the banished characters
the gardeners, the girl chained to a tree by the shed
when the abuse happened to me i ran away
finally I realized that I was a character in this mans schitzophrenic world
Empty world ghost cities
long high way walk think to self
the caves
the ocean
the plain
the forest
come full circle
Love- for angenue soft and flowing gentle, changing, falling apart,
coming back together, lost
Change to
A search- looking for love then dreams, dreams replace love, dreams manifest in music, thinking of girl,
more musical enfatuation, drugs get worse,
nothing seems to work, Question ing the exsistance of god,
torn in two, he does he doesnÕt, believe or question,
what is good and evil, what does it have to do with life and love,
life is so beautiful, so misjudged so tainted,
and a dark need to hold on to everything so tightly.
The battle of good and evil waged within
Evil - seductive, smoke, hard and heavy, insane etc.
darkness, fear, pain, anger,
Good - ever present, a steady beat, quiet or louder at times,
refuses to interfere, fire works,
aftermath - the deserted world war
the battle
the hybridization of human and machine the next step of evolution
the band story and the girl interwined
music story - pain friends introduce music
music becomes the dream
writing music
band beginings
music and happiness
freedom release
girl story -
seen talked to
falling in love
second chance
need time
work more on music then ever before
need this release
lost in the music

wanting more powerful music
dispising early music
growing as a musician

people start looking at you differently
more friends
why playing rush of the stage
resentment at how easily she moves on
talking again
starting to flirt
snowball fight
getting close
scared still hurt
knowing that you have to make a choice between the music or the girl
outsider looking in on a small town being mocked made fun of
find friends
find music
find a place
I realized its hard to put words together in the real world
in this computer I can be any one I want to be
the difficulty in saying things using words:
often they donÕt come when you need them
later there are to many to push away
all the things you couldnÕt say till now
what I would have done
what I would have said
who I would have been
it so easy to see now sitting here alone
looking back
All the things I tell myself
and hold inside
all the things to let out
why can I not rely on consciousness
why can I not yell out to strangers on the street
so many things to say so many ways to say them
but would any one understand
so many words made to express the feelings inside
not one can express the way i feel
it would take a life time to understand
I get so frustrated in times like these
trying to release it all but the words donÕt seem to come out
and here I am reaching inside wrenching my guts trying to gind some meaning
to this puzzle called life
and this puzzle of of god and of love and hate
if I could just put these pieces together and totally understand
then maybe I could give some insight
but I just donÕt know
we live in a world of three minute solutions
how is somthing that is decades long meant to

so why wonÕt people listen
when what I say is so important
how do you make it important to them
and just do what you do
stealing a moment to live a dream
to make a dream
to find myself
to be myself
to love me when the world doesnÕt
how wonderful would that be
almost everything I have learned has been from music
it followed me along so closely through life.
it been my coach an inspiration it drug me so far down just when I needed it to.
I've fallen in love with Hum playing as a soundtrack.
music its in me i feel like I owe it something
All I've wanted was to give it back to some one else.
allow my music to be a sound track in another life.
sure the music changes it grows evolves just as we evole and grow
it can be so simple and mean so much it almost never ends a constant barrage of melodies in the back grounds of our lives listening to bill evens driving through the rain in the dark on the way back from a date with a lover. just like a sound track. but we manipulate it use it to control our emotions. This is for:
the son or daughter IÔve not yet had,
brothers and sisters never met,
the world,
the under dogs,
those sitting at home alone wishing for an existence less mundane
those with everything,
those with nothing, those that feel there is no hope
those that point the finger,
those that find themselves on the receiving end of it,
those who make plans for the future while life passes them by
those paths have intercepted my own with or without my or their awareness,
they walk into and out of our lives as if they were a mirage we never know
who they are or where they came from
to myself to serve as a road map to self discovery
To God to give it all away the whole experience
To a world gone blind
open your eyes
to the infinity
beyond your brick walls
beyond what man has made
use what you have
where you are
from the ground
to the sky
knowing: thoughts mean nothing
without action to make dreams come true
funny thats what itÕs about
pondering my perplexing placement in the current fate led moment
an introduction brought
its summer and IÕm silently staring at the multicolored blocks of a rubics cube unchanged since 8 days after christmas. Its so close to complete, the top two layers are done along with its white top I have not touched it since then. a perfect alegory for my life
so close to complete, to success but I refuse to complete this puzzle for the fear of ruining the progress already made. I have come so far, would it be worth the risk to let it all go?
this constant work in progress seems to have no end
I no longer write it it writes me
an Idea strikes
no longer do these jestings have seperation
its all become one gigantic peice of confusing art
or maybe just a puzzle i am forced to figure out
indescribable, foolish, important to the artist but with out any lure
with out a story or even a plot to draw in a crowd
its boring
where is it leading
what is its purpose
i say these things to my self and ask these questions
why am I driven to do this?
its... insanity shown through?
a little skitzo conversation with me and me
in all this rushing river of random ideas
i reach in to grab a mere handful as gallons rush by passing out of sight and mind
as moments are lost in the flow
why am I so slow
if I could capture the whole and sit it down in front of the world
the rubiks cube would be complete all pieces in place and accounted for
I guess what this is really all about is my fear of dying and giving no contribution.
Art is to me an unveiling of the soul created
in the hopes that someday it might change a life
or just connect and sombody could say
"I know now that somebody else has gone through this struggle
Ironically i could finish the rubiks cube and still be completly lost in life
its like a puzzle you arenÕt meant to understand
its almost like a conversation how I peice this to gether a conversation with the self
between mes from different eras of my life
its odd to think that I am constantly becoming a new person
a better me
a me closer to my own ideal of me
i know the right and wrongs enough to know ive made some mistakes
where i think iÕm going is where I feel like iÕm supposed to go
and i couldnÕt have gotten there without where iÕv been
some would disagree
but i canÕt see that point
maybe its because i donÕt listen
yet grand ambitions hold me and grow to overwhelm.
laugh with me
cry with me
plummet to the pits of depravity
only to rise again
to the heights of heaven
isnÕt life a game we play
day by day by lonly day
until experiencing the realization this game is playing me
is it within our control to conquer our destinies
and live our dreams or should we just sit back relax and enjoy the ride
try and contemplate all the movements,
our advanced chaotic symphony of life
the phenomenon of each minute and hour of every single day
passing in the time of each life each untold story
recapping the whole of it you realize what was and wasnÕt important
what shaped you the mistakes for which you condemed others condemned god
what advice you didnÕt listen to
how little you actually know, looking back on your own existance with an open heart
and you thought you were so wise
lived a contrived life so far
you thought you could control your fate
realize you never had any control just direction guided by your dreams
and the manifestation of those dreams in a particular
what you were told as a child
how much you wanted it
how hard you were willing to work to have it
your spirit your guide by your side
god growing up with you taking every step right beside you carrying you holding you
near and though youÕve tried to pull away
heÕs there closer than ever but still so far away
every life has a soundtrack of the music encompassing our existance as we go along this unpredictable and ireplacable journey the songs that teach us not only in youth but also as we grow older, touching our lives helping us through the struggles we all come to face. assuring us that we can never feel anything completly unique to us
just combinations of pre-established feelings programmed to come along with life
know that we arenÕt robots though
we have free will
what a gift
i smile when I remember it
its so crazy living i mean
you could never plan on what to expect
never predict the future
never for a solitary moment think you could control it
my family lived in plainview tx
a good sized town but a far cry from a big city
I never wanted to grow up
growing up meant work
i seemed to grow out of the idea of agriculture
it was far to much to work with too little return
I thiink it is soon to die away replaced by computer technology
i see the world moving in that direction
technology will be how we create how we play god
another life on the other side
conversations with god
help you come up with the right answers for your self
flash back to memory
its funny the way you can relive life in a moment
spent so much time looking back to a past
holding a future picture which you despise
Òat all costs will this not be mineÓ you think
yet it holds you so hard
teasing, prodding you like a dog in a cage.
The discovery
such a sadness
so deep
though out years of prodding
years of digging
years of stagnation
where have I been these years
why can I not find me
to open up my eyes
know its all been a dream
not real at all
can you hear it
calling to me
from within me
so quietly
words come though me
to me
shed a tear
down a cheek
into an outstretched hand
rolling from fingers onto the floor
like it I fall
donÕt you see me at all
happy new year
searching for the meaning of life
the day that I died
life began to become vibrant and precious so clear
standing beside a newborn me
like a child again

a child
as a child there was innocence
back to that magical moment of birth
relive the whole thing
the way you should have lived it this time
but you can't life has its screw ups
and you never expect it to be
the way you thought it would be
one place to another
life seems the shape you
who you were
who you are
what you went through to get there
the journey is who we are
growing up is the journey
as you look and see backward
in an awkward way
life almost seems to make sense
My journey commenced with falling from Faith, losing love,
losing myself. Life spun me not to far from the breeding ground of West Texas I so longed to desert. I need to get up and go what holds me here where I feel retarded, stupid. No matter How hard I try to succeed I get in my way. Either distractibility or lack of caring constantly fucking things up. I seek Direction every day asking Òwhat is it I am supposed to do.Ó What am I to say when I get the attention I long for so badly. It strikes me I only repeat no matter how differently I think I speak. Foolishness is most dangerous when YOU think it is wisdom
stuck thinking of death and the purpose in life
Ten thousand un answered questions
clouding my thinking
leaving me lost and empty inside
searching for an answer I fear Ill never find
wishing for all the answers
ah... The question with no final, definitive answer
entire life spent searching for why
for God and Satan.
What have I found but Earth, sky, land, water, tree, all creation, l
Form the definition of god in mind, trying to find its truest meaning
a search to complete this puzzle of life.
knowing the teachings, hearing these stories a million times and still the meaning escapes.
questioning the legitimacy of such an Idea in all its grandeur and beauty, but at the same time believing what is said.
there can be no denial of the effect christ had on history, on my life.
still I cannot falsify, neither confirm or deny any realization of such a truth.
religion seems like a placebo
could it be real medicine
To be human, Homosapien, a person,born into this world with two arms, two legs,two eyes, a nose, a mouth, ten fingers,ten toes, two hemispheres of a brain, a heart,two lungs,two kidneys, a respiratory system, a circulatory system, red and white blood cells, bone structure, gods little science project gone bad on account of knowledge. From whence it came? -a tree in a garden is as good a reason as any. None the less we bring this tragedy of hard work and pain upon our selves. Oh how we had to separate ourselves from nature from what life had to give us to find what we could get from life How the need struck like lightning to get up clothe ourselves develop and form religions,
communication, travel, grow, build the villages that grew into empires,
start wars to conquer lands.
When the wars ended the conquering victors forcing there laws beliefs and and customs upon the losers. Its the evolution of mankind in intelligence in our brains in our cultures. We have the need to create to try and be the god of all creation I wonder who I am when you are not looking
who is this person IÕm hiding inside
when all of the image when all of the hype
has been stripped away
look out at the world
and into a mirror
the things i despise are within
cause this endless charade
has consumed every moment
and I cannot be
just one of these
just exactly what you please people
that canÕt escape
from what seems to be fate
but is really nothing more than a rut
say it though its hard to say
every thing in an instant
we made our moment destroying
never thinking of the future
now looking back sick with the damage left in our wake
so many ruined things
never again replaced
feeling different
a small town

excepting difference
finding peace
wanting more
the beckoning
a taste of love
shame to say
you are a toy to me
that's how I see you
I do not find you beautiful
but rather an annoying noise maker
it was like figuring out a three year olds puzzle to understand you
doubtful I could ever feel affection towards you
I use you
bringing only guilt
never the love I seek
just another one night stand
I become an embarrassment to myself
to have you near
to pretend you were something more-
someone that made me feel

its no place for me here in this prison
my mind is numbed in this place
this social and friendly job
fueled by small talk
for i cannot be one of those filling moments with small talk
I However stand silently to the side
watching them interact laughing and smiling
I know my solitude pushes them away
IÕm always the watcher
i need a job i can continuously perfect
i need to create and use my creativity
I need to move and be around people I enjoy
I need to be able to expand my mind
doubtful this job is for me
when I am here I long for the studio
writing, composing, editing is my happiness
Silently I imagine the paths converging here tonight
from all different walks of life
yet sharing the bond of eating together on a friday night
and how many will pass through this meal without seeing the beauty of being something
so big something so grand sell your time its all they want your crap is all they seek
but that is it for all that we do
new life as an adult
I put these childish things behind me
and create my own new world

My graduation from child hood has been the longest day of my life.
4 days with very little sleep Paul once said
"When I was a child I thought like a child I talked like a child...
but when i became a man I put my childish ways behind me"
every thing about the moment
not the turning twenty one
I turned 21 wednesday morning a 12:00 went out to the bar
god dammit! life isnÕt about existing until the next party.
It isnÕt an expression of boredom.
parties donÕt make me happy anymore drunkeness isnÕt fulfilling.
I always feel that I should be creating.
I donÕt fit in the social mold.
i lived in a 8 by 10 cell in levelland for 3 years now
I have be come a polar bear in a new cage
some impendindig doom hangin over head
the walk arround the corner
palm treesover the sid walk
sittin non enjoy ment
to play pool settling in
find voice
can you imagine what the world would be like if you found out you were crazy
that every thing you ever knew was a figment of your imagination
and your world was now at your control
your name is Shmee
you are insane
your brain is destroyed you ate to much acid

and your falling asleep at the wheel of the oddest car ever driven
crying Oh no,
the weed id all gone
and Franklin (longing for an alcohol drip) says she will weird us out
its all pothead talk
real is fake and fake is real
video games become life
as drunkeness becomes what is real
you donÕt see it the way that I see it
you cant feel it the way I feel it
defenses break upon her head
nothing may mean something
of this make sense can you
the numbness makes sense
donÕt be to slow to get to the punch
come on connect the dots
where you let go determines your flight through the air
spiraling through the darkness a 2000dB
she comes closer takes a look smiles and says sheÕs so insecure
I hold her reassuring that she's as beautiful as life its self
because sheÕs more than she could ever imagine
my gray sky girl my whole world
so perfect and yet so sad
like the rain she always makes me smile
as I wipe her tears away
and say its all ok
such a dreamer
so afraid
always smiling even when she cries
and IÕm so glad sheÕs mine
my gray sky girl
laying down on the couch
a pressed finger to her lips
Òdon't say a wordÓ
while beckoning me to her side
sheÕs so cute lying there
so cute in her underwear
and i just stare at her until she says what
and someday in life
when time has past by
IÕll be by your side
until eternity
and someday I pray
that youÕll feel the same way
and IÕll turn and IÕll say
that I love you
and I long for the day
the sweet summer day
when you turn and you say
that you love me too
a young love blossoms
all the doubts are washed away for this desire
such a smile at moments like this
I look at her beautiful face and can think of nothing else
I want her eyes locked deep with in mine
I love her
she turns my world upside down
makes me feel whole
I want to have deep conversations with her
I said it the magic word
its truly begun on this 29th day of july
I have fallen for her
she owns me like I own her I want to share my life with her
I donÕt know about marriage
i think she sees that
i am afraid I will break her heart
but she takes me away
i could never hold you close enough
if I love her there can be no sex
love is a controversy with her because I do love her
I donÕt want to hurt her
but I want her so much
she is beginning to confuse love
and lust i think
i donÕt know I need to talk to her about this
weÕve come to far for a happy ending
without marriage
which i am to young to think of now
i want sex not to be a temptation
but we have come into eros
and my soul is confused
she doesnÕt have the strength to resist
and DonÕt want to stop it
but through loving her I must
the evolution of love
love never dies
it changes into another
a friend ship
to destroy love would be to destroy god
neither can be done
the four loves according to cs lewis
storge - affection
philia - friendship
eros - sexual love
agape - selfless love
her beauty intrigues me
her beauty intimidates me
I wish that I knew her and that she could know me
I was amazed the first time my eyes found their way this angelic face
framed in long high lighted hair
her disguised sad eyes
warm sea blue
a small and delicately formed mouth
watching her struggle though a bad night
gave her the appearance of vulnerability
Leaving me wishing for some way to help her
I just want to hold her
make the world go away
make it fade
scorpio Rising
years gone by
since last I gazed at stars so clear
TheyÕve been so hard to see with the lights of the city
how could I forget nights like this, so clear
the universe simply radiating in its glory
Clear autumn nights under a grassland desert sky
Gods most perfect painting
feeling so small
yet in perfect proportion
lying in this meadow with you
staring into a brilliant sky
silent hours rushing by
so in love...
finding some sort of paragon in this moment
I n our embrace
amazed at how
our childish love
so young
so unsure of anything
can seem so strong
in this moment I am home
twice as real as the heavens above
is this love just for now
flow out of myself
with you in my arms
into the stars above
shoot past the moon
beyond the stars
to a galaxy far away
created by love just for you and me
we are
Art in the making
more beautiful than paint,sound or words
life by the moment
nothing ahead nothing behind
no regrets
no tasks to complete
to remember more vividly
to relive what we had
craving for that feeling i had with her but we were so young then
longing for truth
but it can never be
a country twist a return to the past
laying on top of cotton modules
starring at the diamonds in the sky miles away from any city lights
we laid there in silence holding each other in the night
maybe It couldnÕt be any better than the way it was God wrote the story you just have to tell it Maybe a little young to understand
why it hurt so bad when you werenÕt there any more
and I couldnÕt understand why love couldnÕt endure
as it ended
a part of me died, a piece of me she took
I will always remember her
the first girl I'd ever loved
Its confusing how I miss you
dreams fade from view
my hope lost
broken from the fall
out of your life into the hopelessness of mine
I've crashed
I've burned
I've lost
I've learned
but still I am stuck
in this nightmare
I canÕt wake and I don't care
maybe life in all its ways
changes us makes us stray
out of something
into nothing
crawling along the side of the road
that I followed to find you
I'm so lost ,
so lost,
I'm so lost,

so lost
but your not here so IÕve been told
trying to move on
so much to be said with such a small word
something I can never be
such a disappointment
such a let down that first time
and yet such a feeling

such a beautiful thing
such a release that grabs you so tight and refuses to let go
while you love it and hate it for ripping you to shreds
down in the basement of your parents house watching saturday night live V you let me inside after so long
it felt so right
So wonderful
gently parting your thighs
to partake of this forbidden fruit
sinfully soft while slowly slipping inside
exploring your body pressed against mine
a perfect breast in one hand
a perfect face framed in gold in the other
a sigh of exhilaration escaping from your lips
such a pure moment
so it seemed
a gave you my all
my truest gift
became one with you
only to be ripped apart
some how everything changed that night
all the doubts the questions
enter jealousy the destroyer
to our magical world
as it tears us apart
the next time is better
then better, and better
I thought we were destined to be together forever
that we were written in the stars
I was deceived
will my true love ever forgive me
do you remember the good times
or just the bad
hours spent together
moments we had
thought that we were stronger
that love could endure
things went so so wrong
guess you just werenÕt sure
said our lives were fitting together
we talked about forever
but mistakes I made
the wrongs I couldnÕt right
turned us into never
maybe it was that we got so close
maybe you were scared
remember what we shared
I always said
IÕd always be there
but when you needed me the most
offer up the other end of a phone
but a phone calls not a touch
its never enough
wish i would have been there
wish I could have been there
there was nothing I wouldnÕt do for you
you know IÕd die
if it would make you happy, Understand
to make you never cry
if you were afraid that I could hurt you

like I did before
or if you think I would do it now
please donÕt close this door
it seems sometimes that something is wrong
and I canÕt say a word or understand a simple point
you know all to well
sticks and stones will break my bones
but the words you said just killed me
please say you donÕt care any more
so close to perfect and so far away
for a reason beyond control
I try so hard to make this last
just trust me
sometimes late at night
I lie awake thinking of you
and I wish you were here
to make these nights not seem so cold
but I know your not coming back
so I have to move on even though its hard
no one can ever really take your place
you kept my heart
you say you arenÕt happy anymore
IdonÕt know
I guess it all works out someday down the road
say good night to all the love
and having faith in all that ever was
as I say good night to your memory
because thats all you left for me
upside down
storybook lies
about life, love , innocence
and other things that don't exist
silly dream in my head are you telling me something or
are you just nothing something I made up a figment of my imagination
a memory or more
could this end so fast
could you walk away
could you
if I asked you would you stay
what's this song I hear a beautiful melody from the lips of a lover
some one spoke
I wonder if they knew my name

before another whispered it in their ear
tell me something I donÕt know
should I smile should I cry now that the world has been turned upside down
I cant wait to see you again
because of the thing i feel when your there
and I miss it all day long until the night
but when it rolls around i know IÕm all right
you make me feel like I never felt with her
like a sunrise every morning forthe rest of my life
and I canÕt wait till night to see you cause I want you with me right now too
katie you broke me
you made life right for a time
so perfect and then it fell apart
I fell from my high
became your fallen angel
I cannot love, trust or believe anymore
you took what set me apart
made me a user
darkened my soul
yet I canÕt hate you
you and me keep playing friends
time passes
finding some one new
Ive got someone better now and I can move on
Do you see her there smiling?
Her eyes wonder from face to face as she stands on the stage
with a scared but beautiful look in her eyes.
I fall in love with her words and her story.
The way she moves, dancing in the silvery glow of the spotlight, hypnotizes me.
one more ripple the girl seen from far away i could watch forever
but sheÕs gone just like a phantom neverseen only an illusion but you know she was there
they are all in our quest for love
wounded bleeding wanting needing
I watched you watch me
long for you to long for me
then there you are
with eyes like stars
and I stare at you standing there
I want you
I want to love you
I need you
I need to love you
say you want me
say you need me too
saw you smilling
saw you trying
I'll have you have me
I'll give you everything
an out streched hand of yours beckons me towards
and i kiss your ruby lips
a toast to the one I want and need
I saw you alone with your smile
smile for a while
its funny the way IÕm afraid to speak
each time that she comes down
but happy for another chance to see her
I wish she would talk to me
I wonder if she wishes the same thing from me
if I had one more chance what would I say
to try and make her stay
or run away and spend a night with me
she looks
i look away send signals that IÕm not interested
maybe I should intimidate and stare like my heart says I should
hold in my gaze and if she desires - in my arms
what would I give to live this fantasy
to have her in my arms
or maybe just to know her
maybe its to late
why canÕt I act cool
why canÕt I be me
its always like this
stupid timid me
i want to see her again why do I pretend I donÕt
writing love letters to a ghost
wondering what the hero in me would have done
would have said
were checking out tommorrow
that sucks
because IÕve only seen you a few times
(he picks up a flower walks over to her)
I was just showing this flower how beautiful you are.
if beauty was a drop of water you would be the ocean
the stars were stolen from the sky to make your eyes
IÕm in love with you
would you know
would you care
so dark and beautiful
a black haired cherub
with fiery eyes a touch of purest gold
so unique and so beautiful
if I were fast enough to capture all my thoughts
and write them down down so beautifully
that all would see and understanding would pass freely
of how I seem to fly when iÕm by your side
and the dragon flies ascend into a sky of supernovas
as the sun goes to sleep behind a distant horizon
and a screen of moonlit heaven becomes our stage becomes our view
we seem to never pay enough
or pay too much
for these summer nights
and we live
and were complete
and were content
(my flower )
If only to hold you so delicately
as if not to harm the petals
of this ray of light to my day
so beautiful
so naive

so innocent
with a smile to complete me
you smile so well
you a gift from god
to show me IÕm alive
but I let you pass
never tell you how I feel
how I miss your face
to brighten the day
I miss your precious embrace
but I miss your soul
the most
we will be together
so latched into my own little world
the one deep inside
oblivious to the outside
reminice old lovers

only one was a best friend
but I cant love her now
she became me
what makes communication so hard
still donÕt see why shes the one I connect with
abby is a lot like jesse
hours on the phone with nothing to say
that great big wallÕs my reminder
of why it wonÕt , we wonÕt work
then she spoke
she trusted me to be her friend
soul ripples
heaven rains down
its a splash from here
a splash from there
you put them all together
and it forms a river
and our ripples are our wake
its our effect on the lives of others
thats what we are here for...
to cut order out of the chaos
to fall in love with the all
the mass the river of souls
your rippl passes through mine
and vice versa
until on some level we each effect the whole ocean
with some help from the wind...
...or god
so the metaphor or actually a simile
life is like the ripple

each personÕs birth is the drop and the point where the wave is started
mirrored by a hundred thousand others
these lives collide with each other changing ever so slightly
the individual ripple ever growing farther trying to make itself known
in between all the others but it changes every ripple it comes across
start from the drop
that causes the ripple
that is touched by the others
as it continues to reach out and affect others unknowingly
all it longs for is to reach the tree lined bank
where a once proud tree remains only as a hollow stump
to serve as a chair for a young couple in love
holding each other tight, kissing and talking of dreams and other loverÕs notions
The moon on the water shimmers with each ripple
so quietly by the stream of Venus
I fall in love with her
revealing her self to me
with a delicate kiss
while touching my face
nothing could mean more
than this
IÕm scared

because of the way you kiss IÕm a horrible kisser
no you are perfect
why are you so scared
IÕm not ready to say
that's twice
its the same reason
IÕm not afraid for me I am afraid for you
I donÕt want to be the one to show you the world
why not
because the world is an ugly place
then show me its beauty
you are its beauty
what's out here(rubbing her cheek)
and what's in here(pointing to her heart)
have you ever been in love before
I was
what was her name
what happened
Its hard to say or show these things to you
to tell you what she meant to me
the way she broke my heart
the way I cried like you should never have to
though one day I fear you must
and I donÕt want it to be for me
I want nothing more than to love you
to hold you in my arms
and never let you go
I want you to fall in love all in all
so we can ride this dream for every moment
hold on the ride is quick
it will take you where you have never been before
it will turn your world upside down
I never want to cloud your judgment the way mine was
i think now of all the things I could have said
I should have said
and the way emotions come back together again
the way I say this for abby
yet it feels the same with God
almost and exactly
abby abby abby
trying to say I love you
with so many other emotions
a little fear
some desire
a little bit of foolishness
a little bit of recklessness
wanting to throw caution to the wind and just take you and have you
unafraid all in all fully captivated to feel the experience to be ca
ught and not thinking of what lies on down the road
not thinking of the tree of possibility - the many paths we must choose from on this journey all of our options so fragmented laying before us when I first thought I loved you It felt like I had to let you go
but is that fair to you for me to hold back afraid to love you with my all because IÕm looking towards the end not at the now maybe thats what I am meant to do
true love should lead me to do whats best for you
but what is that
afraid of what the words might mean
its funny the way I sit down and write about you and the worrds have such a double meaining
because with you I am willing
I am beginning to to understand Agape
the reasons are hard to explain
At first i
I made a promise to myself not to indulge
except for love and now with you love means I wait though wanting to concede to lust
I loved Katherine for the way she made me feel
i still love her because we share a bond and a moment of life that can never be taken away
In your eyes I see the future
I see our future
I see our paths merge and wind onward
out of sight
when i stare into your eyes
I know your all mine
complicating me with your soft and delicate features

a beautiful distraction

I close my eyes
breathe you in
touch you
How I want to give myself to this moment with you
would it be wrong to still more than that first kiss
A kiss that meant so much
your kiss felt right
would I mistake
or forsake love
to break your heart in the end
so like a child
I wanted this to be for love
yet you make me redefine the little word
LOVE a term not to be used lightly
time to be honest with my self
now I have
I never want to hurt you
then donÕt
I don't mean to
you make me redefine love
I don't want to be Katie
you wonÕt be because I wont let you be
that's why you make me redefine love
with you love means waiting
I hold back with all my will
she looked so beautiful
laying there in the darkness
as the moon like a silver river illuminated her skin
and she would smile and her eyes would glow
and for a moment the world stopped

so perfect like a butterfly so rare
so beautiful
to touch it would destroy it
but I reach out any way to take it in my hands
and hold it close to my heart
you could never be replaced
so intoxicatingly tempting
one taste of a desire beyond
is never enough
how I nee

to draw me in
and make me so high
hard to explain
it gets too hard
iÕm losing control
fuckin up
canÕt hold back for much longer
just like me
i show you to fall
someone would
i want it to be me more than any other
its killing me
its killing us
in so deep canÕt turn back
its so late
but I want to talk so much
are you awake thinking of me
{the illusion of both looking athe way the way I think of you phones at 3 00 in the morning}
the things you and I said
about God and the way I refuse to believe
the way you held me like a little child
while I fight breaking down and crying in your arms
I want to show you all the ugliness in side because
would you say its not that bad
that you forgive me
how can I give it to a god that can never hold me
how can I know its you
how can you show me through a precious innocent girl
how dark my soul truly is

reveal your self god

show yourself to me
mesmerize me
overwhelm me empty me out and let me be filed again
give me a new life a fresh start
let me show you to the world but show me some thing any thing
i want to feel you to know your real
I want so much from you
in so little
yet what am I willing to give
so scared to give my evil world away
its been like home hating it and yet being comfortable there
so close to saying come in so close to being free like i know its true
and yet refuse it
I want to laugh with you enjoy your company
Why do i feel so empty
if this is right why am i now so sad its gone
if this is right why does this aftermath feel so wrong
its far from over there is more than this
I try to make this hurt the least
iÕm trying to figure out now how to let go
piece by peice ever so slow i donÕt want it to hurt
it can go no further in eros
we need freedom to go down our seperate paths
and once we do I feel like they wonÕt cross again
it will never be like it is now
no matter what we want
you donÕt know
I walk outside to a flooded world
and never knew that iÕd think of you
and how i wished that you were near
with all your love
to calm these tears
but you donÕt know I love you
and you donÕt know i care
and you donÕt know the way it makes me feel when your not there
and you donÕt know cause i never told
and you donÕt know your perfect for me
oh you donÕt know you donÕt know
the moment I saw you was themoment I knew

you were so perfect and pure
and I wanted you more than anyone iÕd evereven wanted before
so why cant i have
I think this could happen someday
and I donÕt want to know
if you feel the same way that I do
maybe I should have said something I hope its not to late
could I hold you close
and touch you face or kiss your lips just once
from out of the fog you find her
sheÕs the one you watched from far away and got a second chance with
determining she was just as wonderful as when you first saw her
abby you should know your perfect for me
its like a stab in the heart or a bolt of lightning everytime I remember its almost time to leave our life is lived in moments with lonely space between
you and I living together is more like a dream
an oasis on the road of life
that we alone share
why just now do you open up and let me fall in love with the person on the inside
why not when we were new
for every moment weÕre together there will be a thousand all alone
but here is somthing to hold on to
a reminder of me to you
in place of the midnight calls - understand- for you I will create
that you and my future are all that matter now
but I cannot be tied by you or anyone
and thats my cage
but know if you need me IÕll be there
but so far away
so prepare for future meetings with fleeting feelings
prepare for changes prepare for us time to hold each other prepare for us moments to reminice
prepare for us a reason to exist
prepare for us chances no one can ever take away
prepare to fall in love over and over again
prepare to be challenged by the friend and foe you never knew existed
random ideas
in the silence the mind resonates
God was poured into us from child hood
and you are suprised that I cannot just walk away
here I am one who thinks rationally trying to find reason in an artifact of faith
such that to understand would be to fall between the cracks
and lost in an internal self absolved spiral
thinking too hard all the time,
enjoy yourself another Idea will present itself shortly
into a life of movement
let your work speak for you in the meantime listen
our goal is to present in a few moments what most experienc in a life time
you joke that it makes no difference, but in the long run does it?
depart not from the path which fate has you assigned
wish you a good journey
avert misunderstanding by calm poise and balance
thinkin I was just gonna stick with you, I change my hoes like I change shoes
deja vu - from forgotten lives
"to find the light one must pass through the deepest darkness"
A: and you would do that to a friend
B: no, but I would do it to you
I will become my own poets puppet
knowledge is power
like a singer who doesnÕt sing or an artist that doesn't paint
ive spent the longest time feeling nothing
life within a grain of sand
4 cm off reality
like the world is not a a part of me
Today seems like a dream, life seems like a dream.
am I dreaming
the transition felt like a dream
put my body in a rocket for a trip to the moon
"Go to the ledge step off and learn to fly" search for the further ranging ever changing
so many want nothing more than four chords and a melody
the press sells depression
full of impending doom
something shapes us through every moment we exist
suck the marrow from life
look neither to the future nor the past for guidance
see objectives and goals and take charge
who wants to be a dreamer an idealist
be the doer the conquerer of your wildest
HereÕs a toast to making something to being something. Where's your glass of champagne?
shed a tear for each left behind
"step right up, step right up its new, its improved its streamlined consciousness"
my brain thinks alot but it doesnÕt talk about it
Its foolishness to think my insight on life is any greater than all the others.
Maybe I do see in a different way in a simpler way.
the news blasted out on every channel of the hurricane crashing into mexico, still we failed to heed the warning of the storm of the century shot of a park bench beside a large tree enter a ragged looking old man carrying his world on his back, looks around slowly and sits down on the bench. laying down his bag to rest his head then lays down and looks toward the sky you want to be a donkey fish, donkey fish
I want to be a donkey fish, donkey fish
and say hehaw hehaw bbbl
hehaw hehaw bbbl
we all think it
its just that everyone is to pc
too wrapped up in what people will think to say it out loud
the rocks of the mountains jutted out like fingers jutting out and pointing towards God
referencing life to the movies
i think what we are is an interactive movie
and the artist are yelling the terms
the color scheme important shapes the sound identify sound with color fog
because you donÕt understand should I allow this criticism
I need an instant memory cache
with each new twist and turn life became more and more interesting
the line between god and self
the thing that seperates the midi ins and midi outs
regards to the difference between college and high school students
are we so much wiser
has it been so long since that was me
it never changes not here
I embody everything you can but will not have
without agape life has lost its flavor
no true emotion no pure love
I never left until you pushed away
And I have tried and I have been to other worlds
but then just when everything seems ok
there she is and I can not say no even though
she is just fucking with my head because she can
I took one long last lingering look towards those fading tail lights blurred by the rain
falling in love with a computer technology my new love
Surfing the aquarian age
where the ocean of knowledge is free
a world within a world a new playground
soon computers everywhere will be as inter changeable as cell phones
internet providers will be more important than computers
music becomes disgusted with pop
busted forth on to
the digital rights debate
technicality will spin you into the future
the computer becomes a mirror of the soul
with the password mirror mirror on the wall...
we are an interactive movie
with artists yelling shots
on stage
I see that you are out there
staring at me
more and more
growing like the dark ness
clouding this path
its like a feel more alive in the emptiness
what you see and do
thinking what am I learning in each new place
I am
that is the only standard known for sure
always sell somthing
give you
record the feed back
the shops
the sun rains down and dies
begins to dive
as each closes down
and they all close down
as the suns reign falls to night
learning a riff at a time
the music lets you yell
evil is only imagined
lead my path

to become
what i am
reflecting back you see it the gathering and the proclomation
the story
as true as our lives
the artist shows them what is real
good and evil too
some where between the two
in the act the words become your own
aiming in the same direction as the book
god and evil is all
the eternal batlle the stories we tell
why afraid to do what is good
sell your time its what they want
your crap is all they se
out of everything we do
hold longer
it makes the changes evill and almost black
THE Gift
here you go
characters and questions
for every one
from the steel palace {reference atlas shrugged
to the cage of words
its no place for me here in this prison
Love can make you happy but often it hurts , but love's only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it. So take your time and choose the best. not to become somebody else's "perfect person."
but to find someone who helps you become the best person you can be.
Never say "I love you" if you don't care. Never talk about feelings if they aren't there. Never touch a life if you mean to break a heart. Never look in the eye when all you do is lie. The cruelest thing a guy can > >4.To My Friends Who Are............MARRIED
> >Love is not about "it's your fault", but "I'm sorry." Not "where are you", but "I'm right here." Not "how could you", but "I understand." Not "I wish you were", but "I'm thankful you are." > >5.To My Friends Who Are............ENGAGED
> >The true measure of compatibility is not the years spent together but how good you are for each other. > >6.To My Friends Who Are............HEARTBROKEN
> >Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them. > >7.To My Friends Who Are............NAIVE
> >How to be in love: Fall but don't
> >8.To My Friends Who Are............POSSESSIVE
> >It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy with someone else but its more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy with you. > >9.To My Friends Who Are............AFRAID TO CONFESS
> >Love hurts when you break up with someone. It hurts even more when someone breaks up with you. But love hurts the most when the person you love has no idea how you feel. > >10.To My Friends Who Are............STILL HOLDING ON
> >A sad thing about life is when you meet someone and fall in love,
only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and that you have wasted years on someon ÒIÕm tired of fighting andÊstruggling. It seems each problem is replaced by another.Ó Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water.ÊIn the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs andÊthe last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boilÊwithout saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off theÊburners.She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled theÊ eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out andÊplaced it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me,what you see." "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrotslained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity--boiling water--but each reacted differently.The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However after beingÊsubjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected itsÊliquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in theÊboiling water they had changed the water.ut on the inside am I bitter andÊtough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water,Êthe very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot,Êit releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, whenÊthings are at their w JOURNAL
Stroud hall
there was a girl here last night I think she wants me. her friend was the one I wanted. Anna and I shared a bond. I never understood daniel, a skinny white poser who seemed constantly cracked out on something, is an odd character he had bleached blond hair rolled into dread locks in the front only sticking out of his Rastafarian hat. Daniel and I had been drinking jose Quervo gold 3 shots or so.
however it happens that I have a very low tolerance for alcohol.
I was living in room five stroud hall at spc.
housing ran perpindicular to the creative arts center,
fine arts buildings and the theater. I was feelin
g a bit tipsy in the early jolly state of mind that alcohol provides me with. With the onset of school I had gotten myself into a nice state of partying. I was on one such escapade when the story happened. We returned to the dorms oddly enough through the front doors rather than the side doors I generally took to avoid confrontation. They were all out there the small town football heroes I never grew up with but knew all to well. Inadvertently my attention was drawn, as it often flutters about in dreamland without my control, to the odd group of characters smoking outside the theater building. I then proceeded to do something I never do, I said Òlets go improve on stranger relations.Ó A couple of guys said cool and Across the street we went me as a first time leader September 11, 2002
this seems like a new year
It wasnÕt the stillness or the gray sky a moment away from raining
it was the children with their hands over their hearts staring up at our flag fifty stars 13 stripes the red white and blue
this was my reminder
of a day we will remember forever
each of us has our own account of how they found out what that day was like
that morning I woke early from a long nights conversation of
I walked out side to the stillness the silence
something was different it was in the air
a light heaviness
I felt something that made me happy to be alive When anna joined me outside
I said Ògod granted me another dayÓ A mantra for the rest of my life
when I got back to the dorm I heard the televisions
but it was unusually quiet the usual bustle wasnÕt there
I began to undress take a shower and start my day
then the phone rang
It was Pricilla
looking for Daniel
when she told me I didnÕt believe it as we talked about it, her in dis belief and me not knowing what to think the world began to slow I hung up with Pricilla and called anna she just found out as well we talked a while hung up and joined the world staring at the Television. one year later almost to the minute
the weather is mirrored
that same peaceful calm
only now I know more
I could have never foreseen
its not what I expected
it just goes to show how little control we really have
to those gone today we remember...
September 12, 2002
Interesting twists and turns
life takes who could have for seen it
or is it just a dream
perceive it and it is
all you need to do is make it
Anna came back into my life to day I never saw it coming
its like a continuation of what we started but never finished
were older now one year to the day
I thought about her yesterday morning waking up beside beside me on one of the most infamous days of our times she will forever be attached to that moment
I donÕt mind it fit
the complications that followed deprived us of any thing that could have been
we made the choices though
I was a coward
she seemed insane and complicated
but today is a new day
I step out unsure of what is to come
praying for the future to bring me surprises untold
today I began my journey towards completion
today I pick up the
compile them and began to make some kind of since
out of the puzzle i have set forth on my path
I will struggle for completion
in every thing
to finish
to close a book and start
I hereby refuse to become a failure
I am becoming myself as a singer a musician, an engineer, a composer and engineer, a composer, a keyboardist, a guitarist, a drummer, a dj. I am not over ambitious I am following my dream
I am seeking my calling
September 30
I have been very busy and I have thousands of things still left to do life is a crazy ride time flies by so fast but the odd contrast is how slow it appears to be moving at the same time. this I dea speeding by over slow music fits perfectly. October 3
Ashley's birthday was yesterday.
I called her on the way to play at the civic center.
I feel like iÕm running a marathon.
my body is so tired, yet, I must push on through one more day
I must run as fast and as hard as I can and give my body the the stl coming on
I need the endurance to keep going on
Make my rest be the best possible nourishment help me to live like you.
Last night all the cards lade on the table;
everybody now knows I have feelings for her.
Except maybe Abby.
She the one that fills my thoughts and yet I am afraid of that which makes her so beautiful,
her naivety and innocence. I want her to come into her own,
to experience life not hidden from the world.
but in full force. I could love her and that is something I havenÕt felt in a long time. She makes me nervous and jittery and tingly all over.
She puts me on a high and I donÕt know how to react.
Such a beautiful girl too beautiful to be kept in a jar.
She is a butterfly a precious butterfly.
Would I ....
I ended my four month love with abby tonight she cried and I cried too.
it hurt to watch her cry I cried a little
holding back tears as I tried to make sense of the un planned turn of events.
It was our 4 month aneversarry.
we went to the park by the rive to celebrate and just be alone together.
she never looked as beautiful as she did last night, so vulnerable,
i wanted no more than to hold her to make her feel happy.
so much has happened recently calart mostly a dream for several years
now with in grasp and I am afraid because I never planned to have it so close so fast.
I never wanted to break her heart but I know
it is for the better though now that the deed is done
I miss her companionship
i miss knowing that sheÕs mine.
I had once told christa I have so many choices to make
so many actions to take
there is a weight building I feel its press already
there is not enough time in a day to complete all my tasks
what have I done unintentionally intentionally
hows it going to be with out her she i did love.
who am I its all in the pages
written down by the soul
and then there was you
I find a reflection
in films
the best love story IÕve ever seen
no holywood bullshit
its true love in all its foolishness
its you and me maybe in another life
so sad
this all becomes work one day
music my never ending challenge
i canÕt beat it
so IÕll do my assignments and grow
its funny when i listen now
going back
looking at my life in reverse
God it only starts with disney tapes and green day to zimmer
i always let the music write me
and now IÕm writing the music
the old seems so cheesy
but thats what the people understand
how I write
all broken up
is how lives fit together
in broken up chaos
driving towards the answer
to the question no one is asking
of course the twist side is you exchange the no for every and you be gan to see an equation
you have to find the zero the one point that ties every thing together
thats god thats the god I canÕt find
because all the life thats pointing me in one direction
our lives are movies we are th actors and we choose our own soundtrack
I hate how everything is a rip off
where is a new Idea
where is the inspiration
for something completely unique
my Idea isnÕt any thing any different
its just longer more encompassing
further reaching
a simple verity revealed to me through this
in dreams alone could I imagine
someone who made me feel
the way
never met anyone like you
maybe someday I will
sad to think
I lost the only thing
that made my life seem complete
I know iÕm a fool to feel this way
to still be in love with you
to think you could still feel the same
although IÕve screwed it all up
doing things iÕll always regret
i will never understand
why i tried to hurt you
or why i cried when it worked
iÕm so scared i will never hold you
iÕm so scared i will never fall in love again
I miss you so much
i still think about you every day
wishing you still wanted me
wishing you were still by my side
it could happen
it might not
but its up to you you always know what i want
always you, no one else could compare
if you ever have a change in heart
if you ever want me back
you know iÕll be here wating for you because i still love you
i still feel you lingering
in the back of my heart
years pass
thinking she was the end
always thought i would return
that i would never move on
i was wrong