a world so close to ending
teetering on the edge.
pulled in so many different directions
its hard making them all fall into place
learning what i came here to learn
failing at what is laid before me
how could an outsider understand that.
stop stop that high pitched pain in my head
who am i who am i who am i
i want to scream
i want to yell
i want to battle all
i want it to destroy me
i want to be born again
i want to die to my self
hatred swelling within
for all around me
every one and every thing
I seek emancipation
i want it to be as hard for them as it was for me
the way that i trudged through jungles to find information
and in the pathway that i carved they simply walk
reaping my benifits
afraid they will recieve the glory that i never could
i have been fortunate beyond my understanding my captors though merciless to the others
dream glitch
dear God, I feel like I'm fucking everything up.
i can't feel motivated to change
this person i am
my life i hate
I feel depressed.
I don't know why I'm doing any thing.
I can't find motivation.
I've felt so behind since I got here.
Help me.
Its wrong for me to just jump in without praising you
or even saying hi
instead a list of demands.
I need you though
I need you now and always.
Give me a since of purpose help me
help myself. I need out of this rut. I cannot find my feet.
I feel pulled in too many directions. Its so heavy and i'm so behind with so little time and yet i cannot move.
Guide my foot steps that I may only serve you and in everything that i do may your hand may be seen.
Fill me with love and compassion for all beings. Spare me from the demise of the lost.
Be with me always as my companion throughout everyday so that I may never be lonely.
Give me the right aquaintences. let me serve you in what ever way seems fit.
put me in the situation to do your will always. save me from myself.
i hate their wicked ness
am i being judgemental
i want to hide in my book i want them to go away
why am i put in presence
it my place to help
help me allow me to do what it is that you want me to do
i need inspiration
take care of jonathan
be with him always
its hard to see how this will be used to the glory of you
but it must
god did i ever thank you for saving me
why though why all those times did you spare me
why did i walk away so easily
how is it that you gave me two angels
the crash
the crash
why wasn't it the end
what are you showing me
life is this puzzle you are pesenting me with
options friends
allow me to be the image of right
don't let me fall like i am
show me the way guide me through
in so many ways i'm drowning
{how do the stories collide}
all of the lines wash together fear and rage
the place i want to be
you understand
you know me
humanity
our love is all gods money
help me find my voice agian
show me
the way
thank you
why is she always there tormenting me god
i can't handle the way she is always there
i am going to hide from her i don't want her to see me any more
i don't want to wonder where she is
she is but a dream to me help me find myself
help me learn music
give me the parrallel that i need show me what i am doing give me an outlet
i want to perform i need these tools do i need these tools teach me how to learn them
am i evil god
the way I admire these bodies and faces and voices and sex of females
they are beautiful
but i don't need them in lust
i just like the image of them
and there was that one
who they found
to bring them dreams
in a synthesized experience
there is so much more
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
didn't see why I liked some things until people told me that i should
then I spent the time training myself to follow their perspectives
in this dream I escape away
to control my self
i have so much trouble dealing with people talking to them speaking my mind
sharing, being open and receptive
so in it takes
breathing out
every thing experienced
every thing thiatypew has this mweaNING
sohwen the worklf the world
do you understand
thre conotation s
of all of this
and to tell you
of all of these that i love
of all the beauty which dances before my eyes
its your soul that I long for
its you who is always there
its you who is stead fast
its you my pure love
i could never feel dirty with you
my angel
for you I wait
for you I ache
though time passes by
and miles between don't mean a thing
because you are the same as you have always been captivated
mesmerized
hypnotized
and even though you know i love you
and i know that you love me
i see no place where we could hide away
and always be free
i don't know if you
have a place to shine
all along
all this time that I've watched you
and all the times
all the times that you draw near
there is
there isn't much to to say to you and make you know the way your movements torture me with a pleasure you will never understand
locked inside this cosmic dance
soundtrack to a life
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i want to go far far away from this world to a place that i dont know
technological idolotry
empty promises of an inefficient ruling class
-a seperation from the life of ones past
yet one draws nearer at the same time
are they afraid of you
place me
they play the wicked game of pacing blame
a tournament of who can yell the loudest
standing on soap boxes trying to out shout each other
blurring the lines of reality until they have disappeared completly
some make jestures of caring
others fall in like sheep
the children dance around merily
in imitation of grown up sins
dulled into everyday
one generation darker
we tried so hard to construct our world
like the one we saw on the television
like the one our parents made
they were the only ones we had to look up to
what will our next geration be like
how far are we into the wave
the onset or the end of a peak
the ground crumbles underneeth
lost in my own illusions
what once seemed real beauty
is really only cardboard cutouts
a mermaid left me there on the beach
taking the time to get through
and listening to my mind
to dos
how used
overwhelm me till i puke
so say you prayers like a good boy should
i've had enough of pickin up your stuff
i am a bad person
i do not have a kind soul
the one like I should
I am narscicitic
and do not care for others
i have taken and taken without giving back
i have too much to give
where have i wasted all my time
what foolish thing was it spent on.
so here is this new concept of religion where the art is representational and the viewer comes to see them self through it all
this is good for when the character sees them self in a mirror
bhuda-
dharma - pursuit of virtue and duty
artha - wealth aquired through ethical pursuit of ones profession
kama - desire - love familial, sexual
moksha - envisavges liberation
then there is all this idolatry on the outside of buildings
all these demons
and they run up from behind and stab a sword into your back
but on the inside there are gods
there is spirituality there is an escape from the world
and all its worldly concerns this is the womb of heaven
and its mingling with all you beleive in and you sort out the good and you sort out the evil
because thats what you know
beauty sharply contrasted with someone destroying it
jading it scewing it and warping it into something ugly
some one displacing art
with out caring for it at all
what was it that pi said
the trick is not to clean up the world around you but to clean up your own heart
in more elegant words
the stick in my own eye is blinding me
i am dead inside
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
one compositin came to mind
this etude which would do everything that i need to learn
this will be in story form
in eating the story
i found a very angry
place
the world which i resided in was
no longer al that i though that it was and once again
i felt the urge to escape
we made it throu the desert
there you are again
is all you said to me
as I find my feet
there you are again
now you'll be dancing in my head for days
at this time
the light fades earlier in the day
the sun hides behind the mountains
and you too have disappeared
once held in my view
aware that you too were seeing
time came
face to face
for a only a moment
and i ran away
ran away and prayed
that you would be gone
no longer on my mind
would I ever say why
still your gravity pulling me
is this how david felt before bathsheeba had a name
heart skips beat
shortness of breath
so afraid
so compelled
so confused by heart body and mind
fear that i frighten
that you could not understand
that the madness in side would grow beyond your understanding
nervous
how nervous you make me
its hard to stand or move
a lullabye to rock you to sleep only to wake you up again with loud hammering
Any organization defining itself on a basis of color can only do more damage
in the area of segregation by setting itself apart.
Therefore I propose a human student organization
so that we may rid our selves of the pesky non-earthlings.
setting myself snares to get out of trouble
a time an excuse to escape
a clean recording as pure as that world out there
pure enough to
create the illusion
for me
so they put up these fences
and made exploring illegal
restricted
open doors
new dreams
the story we
tell is modernist
the sounds we hear are
high pitched screams
decending
passing by
like buzzing insects
on a mission
so many sounds
so many complications
and on each new interruption that
that we found
all broke and fell
winding apart
in twisting ellegance
learning to learn
this world a tunnel
we are meant to pass through
a filter of some kind
intrest increasing
do the sounds decend in sweep
get the information you seek
from the world all around you
preaching it now
words come forth
but from where
the brain as an enemy
the brain as every thing
a thousand different
levels of arms
going off in every random way
look out
i can be the good influence
i can lead
but i am so small
TO ALL OF MY TEACHERS
in my acomplish ment
all will have a part
helping me get there
create
gut instincts
inter locking
side parts
i want to build a thousand little robot monkeys that do my bidding
soundscape the tuning of the world
there was you walking backward into my life
we crossed and faced
something i didn't plan on
dancing in my head
dancing in my head
what are you doing in my head
interupting thoughts
strange a person could steal your focus
so here is the thing
i wrote this song for one girl
another liked it
as i developed it
it started drifting
it relates to the dance
it relates to our dance
can i spend
just one more hour here
i can't pull myself away
but why
but why
i want to pick you up
swing you around
make you move
and move with you
an attraction
so hard to explain
desiring closeness
i love the dance
the closeness
the way it feels
and miss it when its not there
obsessing again
but not about her
what are you doing to me
get out of my head
don't need this now
its driving me mad
so far away and yet so close
said before
in the opposite way
don't seem anxious
to be close
held my phone for the longest time
debating to call
or to put it into our song
i don't know how though
lost on where to go
meanings evade
our dance
my life
in all these ways
one
intrigue
desire to be part of your world
me loving a machine
dealing with relationships
but
then
on top
you place you
i can't believe you chose that song
since you did it has been like a snowball
just waiting to manifest
complications made her go away
but there are still dancers in my head
trading one for three
and three for two
i finally confront her
tell her she was the unicorn
the obsession
and placed a face on letters sent anonimously
ramblings
thoughts of her dancing in my head
just there
tormenting
something i couldn't have
still defining have
i don't think she understood
she said she had a boyfriend
I said it didn't matter
if i was to attain the unicorn
it wouldn't be a unicorn
we talked for hours
i wanted out of the conversation
didn't know what to say
never did
still don't
just kind of needed a reason
there is really no connection
small talk is hard
i can't do it
especially when it seems obigatory
like asking somebody if you can be their friend
friends are something you fall into
they just kind of end up in your path
sometimes life must do the talking
only so much can be said in words
its the things said without
that connect
my girlfriends through the whole thing
i could confide in them
i could get advice from them
a love of my life
but time, distance and lack of communication hinder more
abby is rhada to me
if i am within a hundred miles of her i have to be with her
but in a thousand miles...
we talked a lot up until valentines
now shes to busy
i'm really busy too
i guess i can't say anything
T is my homie
i make her mad cause there was this whole her liking me thing
and we talked it out and we are friends but sometimes she drops heavy shit on me
and i can't really figure out where she is going with it or why she does it
and to me shes super but i really don't want to "hook up" or anything
she really seems kind of like an older sister to me but i never really had a sister that i was that close to...
my sister was in such a different world and just kind kindof had her own seperate world with seperate people.
oh did i ever tell you i never had friends who were girls
aquaintances
lovers
of course
but never friends
funny
i hear the monologue coming out when i type
my thoughts just flow this way
i guess because they don't get interupted
then i can clarify them
i write like i wish i could talk
completely honest
not holding anything back
my first relation ship was letters handed off between classes
digressing...
i could profess my love in letters
that was a really weird story
i got on this kick after reading about troubadores and chivilrous love
digressing...
always in this process of redefining love
narrowing it down
trying to be more and more like jesus
that kind of love
not getting hung up on the sexuality of things
but when dealing with girls thats always where the mind naturally tends to wonder
and yet there are so many different levels of intimacy
always looking
for a glorified fall into love
i want to love all of them
i want them all to love me
but in truth
i only want one
but don't yet know who the one is
and its not the right time
____________________________________________________
so I could pretend i don't care
why do i wanna stick around when i don't want to talk
why linger on for these hours and hours
what is it about you that hooks me
is it that you give me attention
others do
but you make me fight through it
i can ignore
if my angel could see me
she would hate me
i have placed a different standard for her than myself
the trap you have snared me in is seduction
not love
my awareness of this
should allow me to walk away
my intrest in you is not based on exquisit beauty inside or out
why am i in this
why would i give up somthing that mattered so much
why is she not here to protect me
where is my angel
why does she not have time for me
i can place no blame on her
all my actions i have done on my own
half truths now i share
hidden secrets
now my tormentor
they now stand as a barrier between me and my love
but it makes
so much sense
we should all be free
no possesion
of others
love is not adultery
love is shared between all
love is a connection of souls
adultery is a connection of lust
not to be held as bad
i cant have this monogamy
i need the freedom
she was my dark side i was trying to love the devil that is this world
but how can one love the devil
they restrict you pull you back
hold you down keep you from your work
god help me pull my life back together
help me stich it up
help me
hold me
protect me from the darkness and temptation
give me an escape
your reply was Isaiah 43:1
i found in my life at this time
all this anger
and hatred
for the world
i wanted more
a more spiritual
i wanted less of it
i am behind in a lot of ways god
i can see the
reason for it mixed with alot of other things
the best is to work while they sleep
my motivation is sapped
i need a new direction to go
I am coming to a point in my life where i really don't want to follow a path but would rather carve my own
classical music really holds no intrest for me
i feel a strong urge however to drift into popular music
so i must use my classical music to send me in that direction
my other area of intrest is in using the computer but having less interaction sittting at it
i would like to start developing outboard sensors to transmit information
i want to move into a more body driven system in which i am singing and moving to control sound and play music
to come to grips with my abilities on musical instruments and use classes to help me perfect them
my life must change directions
i must let go
of comparing myself to others and thinking of gain
however i want to have my financial situation in full control
this means getting my fafsa completed
figuring out living situations
and work out side of or for the school
i need to remove myself as dependent upon my parents and be gan my own life
to abby i will confess and love her forever the way that i should have in the first place
i don't want to have to deal with money
i want to just exist god
that idol is one that is destroying me
so much
money
money
money
its everwhere
like a neccesity for survival
im just dealing with leaving my beautiful fantasy world
for the real working fighting clawing scrap together everything that you can to build a life boat and float through this word
play our game
don't give anything take all that you can
take advantage when possible
thats the attitude
i want my attitude to be share
but then i don't
so conflicted
its easier to share when someone else is fitting the bill
the seduction of wealth lies there within
i will
i have the desire to build a tribal society
a society which functions independently in an anarchist \ socailist way
within a larger structured capitalism democratic system
these pockets will be specialized in art production which will provide the recource for the whole group
needs
housing
food
power (electricity, fuel, etc
water
the life style i want for myself is only possible with
cash
its saturday march 22 2005 10:23 California time
I'm in waco though
and its Easter sunday March 23 2005 12:23
where am i
what am i doing
why am i here
there is a reason for this i keep telling myself
i think of lovers past
I think about myself
where life has taken me
and how i ended up here in waco with my parents
fighting with them about everything
about freedom about religion
its easter
jesus has been dead for two days+
he is rising
in our hearts
its also a pagan holiday
i need God i need a change in my life
i need some kind of direction
Abby wants to hate me
I am having sex with andriana
I am not in love with andriana
i keep wishing that she would find someone else to be in love with
and then I will be alone
as I should be
I have so far to go
so much to do and I am sabataging myself
i feel diseased i want healing
i feel misguided and i want direction
i am filled with sin
i have not been kind
i have given in to the physical
and it has felt good
but it has left me in a trap
that i cannot be in
that i can not guide another into
i have decieved
i have forgoten obligation
i have been a soldier who has deserted his post
I cannot give my self to god because i don't know who God is
I want a nature quest
I want to worship god in his temple
I want to get ahead
i want to be on top of my classes
i must be free of my parents
i must be free of this world
i must carve my own path
i am not like them in isaiah 44;18 i can see
there is no veil
what do i do i ask
48;20 is your reply
you know how i feel why i can't give in you know the thing holding me back though
I don't
can't all powerful you show me the way
with out any possibillity
with out any doubt
i can not just fall into it
this sell is so hard
I want to buy it so badly and yet i don't
so poingant for a while and then you let up
and quit talking to me expecting me to find what you want to lead me to in riddles
am i to love you or hate you
its as though you mock me
with myself
so i can type into it
record my journey
all the sound
now becomes a matter of measuring
peaks
i am leaving for texas today
getting on an airplane
my routes began at 9:44 on march 24th in val verde
with the back hoe moving dirt
then to a canceld class replaced by a lesson in animation by hyperdyne
thst thong i continude
i was in a world of sin a world of write and wrong to make it make sense
to make it special
it was confusing
i want a program to make every Aif in to an mp3
and store it in a folder
one wiindow of text
sending to many places
i can confess
all
I am a sinner
i have sinned
i have had affairs
with another
god it is so hard for me to type
my fingers are totally wiggling around
the thing slowing me down is the burden that i carry
weight and the guilt on my shorders
i needed some one to talk to
always
to talk to
foolish to find out
that there was always something there
God i must upset them
thinking
alot about time
and our flow through the day
iteruptions become markers
the desire now came to be efficient
the desire now came to write like a musician
the desire now came to be me who ever me might be at that time
so i must say to them
you can have your politics
you can have your maddness and anger
you can have
i is we is you is me
weed is your poison its your darkness
stay away from it at all costs
its wastefull
its worthless
and it makes you the same
lights go out
computer screen illuminates the way
systems of organization
peacful
abrasive
loud soft
make a score out of occurances
which two were played
takes less space
a text of changes made
tempo variations
tweekable and replayable
hatred destroying me
all systems go
film scoring
all that anticpation for the center of an e
using silence
on hit stings
pig is the number one monster sound
in your own life be able to introduce others
put lives together
simple and at the beginning is often not the best way to learn
some times you must dive in and realize that you know more than you think you do
in mind
decifer what sets you apart
makes you diiferent
makes me love you
to no avail
where a picture meant a thousand words
deeper we dove into our story
love in jest
if everything typed into her
would become another
would become reality
i will make my hands work at this
this is my journey of learning
any thing is there
but one must seek it
light becomes color
everything becomes clear
painting life
starts at birth
a heart beats
slow at first
excelerates
chaos exists but something is missing
when the boy enters as a drone low and steady
life is colored in a way
2 heart beats become one
and from this union comes another life
and the journey for ever changes
and you are left with somthing you can keep
as all the shells of who you were fall away and the new you walks out as a breath
the entire range of human emotion was there
to be mapped and recreated
full control of the mind
it was my mind that needed to be cleared
ecclesiastes seemed so true the way that it was all fo nothing the way that we work because it was the only thing that made us seem some what fullfilled
the empty space that couldn't be filled by anything
and we were always told that god was the only thing that could fill that void
but so long ago we deserted him
and now when i seek him
i can't find his voice within his own book
what would you expect me to say
what would you expect me to think
this and that are not what i expected to see
or maybe whats worse is that i did expect to see it
but when i did i couldn't take it like I thought i could
but you have granted me an exit
and all i must do is take it
and face the repricussions of the life you have destroyed
or maybe just influenced
you were my dark side
i needed you
but why i still hang on I can't say
no more
appeasing
the events unfold as neccesary the warning
the surprise
the twisting feeling in my stomach
feeling decieved
but not so much
just retreat again to your perfect world
that revolves only around you and your art
all will be better there
is just you and god
dealing with others is so infinitely irritating
especially if you make comparisons
you will always feel cheated
and used and like you have gotten the shorter end of the stick
but the beauty is just to cope
with the cry babies and others
and not stoop to that level never ask for anything
and on to this issue of AM and T both i have set apart fom each other and to make my own decisions without their influence
my mind is lost
my direction is jaded
my good and my bad are at war i havent slept in days
i can't tell if i am letting go of
something i need to hold on to
so confused
so confused
so confused
anger is eating away at me
negativity has coiled her wicked arms around me
andrianas heart deep beneath has good in it
but my darkness
is side by side with hers
what scares me about her lives within me
to bew honest with my self
to be honest with others
to have color return
to fall to rise
to soar
to fly
jealosy of others prohibits trading their best for yours
admire and join in
and you give me all the more reason to
leave yet
i do not wish to so coldly walk away
like all the times betore
how is it that i love you
that i cannot escape you
even when the cage door is wide open
it would be so easy to just walk away
to disappear and end this
but i cannot leave you
i cannot desert you
i am chained to you with ropes that man cannot make
but all along
i ve known we were wrong
and all along
i have always loved
though i have fallen
though i have been cruel
its funny that i always find love in letting go
you grant me freedom and if i except then
you gain your independence as well
and what is to come of this fantasy you have lived in by my side
this dream
this perfect lillusion we have both bought into
i have known better all along
the longer we wait
to disolve the joint entity we have created
the harder it will be for both of us
can you love me
in a new way
a way that i always wanted to love you
the distance makes it harder
the distance makes it easier
to just walk away
to let it be a dream
but i havent given all that i can yet
our journey has not ended it is still in its infancy
the intamacy we have shared is only part of what is available to us
i will always give you me
i want to be a part of you
with out the jealosy
i do not feel guilty for our experience
i crave you
i imagine you lyling there when i go to sleep
and there is something that i am afraid to give up
but in giving that one thing up
my darkness
may be transformed into a dazzling bright light
and you
were my liberator
my teacher
my lover
my friend
i was wrong to give you my sin
but in giving that to you
i have found some sort of peace
there is beauty all around
and we both have a mission
a world to create
and we will
opposites
and in that instant when our eyes meet i imagine that you love me so deeply though we never met
and then the fantasy passes and i go back to my nornal life
in reverse we write to go forward
its harder this way
but why would i need it
to move across the country in some
chance of fate
May 5
it starts off with a sad drunk circus clown
when the show is over
he hides be hind a curtain looking into the tent where she performs acrobatics dancing in the air
he then retreats to his tent and a bottle of wiskey
I'm gonna leave this circus he says to him self as turns up the bottle
---------------
can I hear back for my job
work
i find myself in work
i find myself neglecting the world to create
days later I find myself in an environment where everyone bitches about the limited amaount of work they have to do
and all i want is not to have moments of twiddling my thumbs
always i want something to do
but i can work all the time
on my computer
<
always whittlling
all the time i have wasted in lust
not finding the true goal
how i have been distracted
how i have
lost my way
to greatness
and all of the things you offer me
the good is to
switching to the power of the dark side is so much more complicated than star wars makes it seem
read through
the sound file using a buffer to hold the section to be scanned the buffer will hold a small amount and be easilly manipulated and efficient to use
///////////////////////////////////////
u
my eyes begin to close
and a girls voice whispers almost inaudibly in my ear i open my eyes and see that the voice is coming from within my mind teetering on dreams
and it seems that all i want
taking the lead is the strongest path
to be the one that is unchanging
to be the strength to be the substance in the wash
some times the music doesn't fit some times
you have to leave the computer alone and do your thing
while it does its
i leave my computer to do its trick
to steal me away
this twisted way of coping with the world
to trade it for
the breath you manage to gasp from the sea in which you drown
some times eyes convey more than anything
sometimes eyes are all you need to speak
the hypocrit I have been
i sing in to the computer it knows what pitch i am supossed to know and what i do
a strange piece really meditive an hour long after a while you except what is happening and when you get there
your in it thats what i s happening tonight you must make your art in silence
until your opportunity shines opens up to make it go away the sound that happens reguardless
So instead of stopping
all worlds happen as they are supposed to
confused
white noise swell = shhhhh
shhhh= make it get quieter
out put is the one thing you need to monitor
and i will alwayss hav e a picture of what the audio was
so the end was the beggining
organize by worlds and events in the story
start coming up wqith a concept
that unifies your life
to this point
the feelings you would have
the feelings you have
an out line a map
my other idea is here
as i read along through a long text
the message will play
once you take a file
hand using glitcher for glove we
start a file
dragandrop
use
the audience talks when bored or sidetracked
its the battling sound source
creating a network
a litltteeledctronic world
i walk on a
interconection
i stumble upon my self along the way
and then i see that they are all me
black
all i see
the devils in one ear
an angel in the other
an operator
sits in heaven
hello>>>in brooklyn voice
this is a performance
always
displayed before the world
the great iron monkey came to make us all alike
with no one to could gain
all should gain
so why not put it in charge
it seems logical
the world of make believe
i want to talk to you every day
i want to know what you are thinking
i know i have done this to you and i deserve it
i want you to be happy
the longer i go without talking to you the more unhappy i get
i live in an artificial world that you don't understand
and to me it makes perfect sense
i would have you come to a realization that i have had
but you need to find it on your own
do you understand the part of us not being to gether that bothers me
its not distance
its others its watching you fall
i love you in so many ways and its not only as your lover
we are who we are
and you want to be who you are
and i am afraid of you never being there for me again
you want me as your friend
and i am
but i am no different today than i was a week ago
or 3 months ago
i came to grips with the fact that you live in my computer
that you live in my cell phone
and its that part of you i love just like anything else
just like the part of you i love when you are near
if you give into me and let me bully you into not talking to me because i am beeing a crybaby
about somthing that isn't real as much as its real you will disappear to me
so of course we are friends
of course i am here
of course i want to to talk to you
i just wanted you to break first and talk to me as a friend
what else can we talk about
i will never give up wanting you
i will never want to share you
but you are not a bird in my cage
and if you are fly
the cage door is open
On Jan 20, 2005, at 6:07 PM, Abigail Hinojosa wrote:
kyle, i don't resent you. i don't. i don't know what to do. i'm confused and scared. i felt what you're feeling and i know it sucks, but i know you know what i'm feeling and i want you to understand. i don't know what to tell you... maybe we shouldn't talk to each other for a few days... perhaps we should really think about things and talk about it again in a week...how does that sound? we're too sensetive right now to talk about it. it's all too painful... i'm really confused, kyle. i thought we were over then you came back...i need to figure things out. i don't want to hurt you. please let me know what you think about talking in a few days...
From: Kyle Ross
why do you resent me?
all i can understand is that you want to date other people, thats all that makes sense to me.
I feel like i've wasted so much time and energy and feelings.
i know what you will do with other people when you date them and it tears me up.
It makes me angry. It hurts me.
and when it comes to that. I just don't want to have anything to do with you.
I'm sick of thinking about it, of worrying about it. i want it out of my head.
i just really want it out of my head. i want you out of my head.
i don't want to love you and share you. i just want it out of my head.
so how can i be selfless how can i not be jealous how can i let you go and still be your friend...
I will be there but not now. I have to find myself too.
but find myself and redefining myself with out you...
I want to be you best friend but i also want to help you find your self.
but a guided tour won't work. this is so hard.
but i have to forget you to let you go with total freedom.
that, i don't know how to do nor am i willing to do. i have too much invested in you to .....
i'm retarded i don't understand anything how can i be there and not?
and i just don't want a part of me to die. and it fells like dying. so go.
i'll go well all be happy it just takes time. I am not making sense any more. I don't know what to do. I love you good bye kyle I'm fucking melodramatic. On Jan 20, 2005, at 3:41 PM, Abigail Hinojosa wrote: How can i explain to what's going on inside me?
i think of the things i've told you and even i am confused by them.
I't so cliche to say that i need to find myself but how else do i word what i need to do?
If we're supposed to be together if we are meant to have a life together,
there are things i need to know about myself first.
I can't rely on your experiences my whole life.
I couldn't. I'd resent you and that would be seriously damage our relationship down the road.
Does that make sense? I know that resentment is something i struggle with, but eventually conquer but it takes a really long time for me to get over it.
i don't know what's going on.
i love you but i feel that it's best for both of us right now to not be together...
especially for me.
if you had told me you wanted to get back together anytime up until about the end of november,
i would have jumped on it. but when i was layed up with my surgery,
i thought about things and i decided i wanted to move on.
i didn't think it would happen for us...not any time soon.
i'd been afraid of accepting dates b/c i didn't know how it would affect our relationship.
I decided that that wasn't fair.
i wasn't being fair to myself. i decided to move on.
then you came back and i talked to you then you said you wanted to get back together.
i didn't know what to think. i was confused because i didn't know if that was what i really wanted...
i needed time to think about it, but i felt i had to make a decision immediatley...so i guess i just sort of went with it.
that's a harsh thing to say but it's true. i didn't know if i wanted to try long distance again or not... after we broke up the first time i convinced myself that long distance was pointless...i came up with a lot of reasons not to do it and i'm sorry to say that i succeeded in convincing myself. kyle, i just can't do it now. i'm having distance issues, trust issues, and curiosity issues. i know i've hurt you but i could hurt you a lot worse if we were together right now...i'm sorry. i blame you for a lot of our problems but i know you had to do what you had to do. I love you kyle but i'm not happy with our situation. i keep going back and forth in my head trying to decided if i made the right decision. i don't know if i did but i had to do it...so i did. Please don't hate me. please try to understand. we'll pull through somehow...you don't have to stop talking to me. i don't want you to...let me know what you think about all this...please. abby From: Kyle Ross
To: abigail
Date: Thu, 20 Jan 2005 11:23:30 -0800
just go away
don't hide behind apologies
don't say you love me
but cant make this work
you can't just turn me into a friend like that
in the morning the sun rises
and washes night away
a lonely night that lasts to long
at least i still feel
at least i still feel
i wish i didn't want to talk to you
i wish there was some one to replace you
i wish that
every day and thought wasn't you fluttering around in my head
fucked up thing is your more of a distraction away from me than with me
how do i just walk away
how can i just disappear
i don't want to talk to you
I long more than anything to talk to you
fuck you
i love you
i hate you
i want you hidden away there
on that other screen
why do i have all these fake emotions
what is together any way
take your time take your space
its not like your gone
but you are
there are so many things i want to know but don't want to know
so many things to say
and i am all messed up
i don't know how to feel
I feel like you are gone completely of your own choosing
music can't distract me enough
i don't understand what you are searching for and that bothers me
i don't think you know either
i can't deal with this
i can make it through
but i am being a baby
i don't understand you
just like you don't get me
only thing is i understand you all to well
nothing ever changes between us
its all on paper off paper
there is no final seperation
we just have these stupid little words we say to each other
to tear one or the other down
you are my companion
i know that in some weird way
and distance doesn't change it
time doesn't either
you help me through each day
you make all the bad not seem that unbearable
you are the friend i can confide in
and you make me feel like i can't even have that
because when we are this far away that all thats between us
i'm lonely
i have nothing else to say
My philososphy of self
is constantly drawn back into a scenario of intolerance of the mediocrity of others
this calls into question my desires
how i long to ask for nothing from another human being
that i would earn everything that i recieve in life
the Ayn Rand philosophy:
I swear by my life and my love of it that i will
not live my life for the sake of another nor will I ask any human to live their
life for the sake of mine
reevaluating what i think about what they think about me
do i really care if they understand me
do i care what they think do i care if i piss them off
who are they
all the anger thats inside of me all the stress thats been building up
this is how to break free to rebel against everythig
redefining what it means to be an artist
redefining what it means to be a free spirit
look at them worshiping their drugs and sex
are they laughing at me
i don't want to hear them
i don't want to see them
i want them to be completly alien to me
i do not belong in this world
these are the people i no longer wish to associate
and there fore i simply wont
those that confront me will see me
whoever me should be
yes things are changing
things should change
its always this terror of change
its always after today i will be the person i am supposed to be
its always something
i'm tired of people asking things from me
i'm tired of kindness being a grounds to be taken advantage of
i'm tired of being uses by people who i need nothing from not even friendship
especially not frienship if it comes at the cost of something
friendship should be free
reevaluluating my value judgements
reevaluating my place ment
angry at myself for comparing my self to others
angry at my self for being judgemental
angry at myself for being angry at myself
freedom is not something that is given
freedom is somthing you take
consequence comes from actions
if you follow principles of right and wrong
and you strive to be always right
then what fool can fault you
who can one impress but god
humans are inferior and pathetic
prime numbers
disassembly of your idea
how many different ways can you break it down
a sculpture to house my midi box
the fruit of the tree in the garden
nature
the snake ---scaley writhing eloquent logical convincing
the man the woman- naked - innocent
all of time
old
wise
good and evil
THE TREE
enticing
evokes curiosity
temptation
wisdom
the fruit could be on a weight so if you took it some thing would happen
the fruit
colored
exotic
tasty
forbiddin
transfers a powerful knowledge
so I could pretend i don't care
why do i wanna stick around when i don't want to talk
why linger on for these hours and hours
what is it about you that hooks me
is it that you give me attention
others do
but you make me fight through it
i can ignore
i am not in love
no one can capture my heart
my thoughts yes
my time even an easier task
that is the problem with a distraction
intimacy i defined with you
to show off to the world
proudly
those private moments
red satin sheets
how was i wrong how was i right
what would i give up for a night
set snares to get out of trouble
a time
an excuse
to escape
a clean recording
pure as that world out there
pure enough to
create the illusion
for me
teetering on the edge.
pulled in so many different directions
its hard making them all fall into place
learning what i came here to learn
failing at what is laid before me
how could an outsider understand that.
stop stop that high pitched pain in my head
who am i who am i who am i
i want to scream
i want to yell
i want to battle all
i want it to destroy me
i want to be born again
i want to die to my self
hatred swelling within
for all around me
every one and every thing
I seek emancipation
i want it to be as hard for them as it was for me
the way that i trudged through jungles to find information
and in the pathway that i carved they simply walk
reaping my benifits
afraid they will recieve the glory that i never could
i have been fortunate beyond my understanding my captors though merciless to the others
dream glitch
dear God, I feel like I'm fucking everything up.
i can't feel motivated to change
this person i am
my life i hate
I feel depressed.
I don't know why I'm doing any thing.
I can't find motivation.
I've felt so behind since I got here.
Help me.
Its wrong for me to just jump in without praising you
or even saying hi
instead a list of demands.
I need you though
I need you now and always.
Give me a since of purpose help me
help myself. I need out of this rut. I cannot find my feet.
I feel pulled in too many directions. Its so heavy and i'm so behind with so little time and yet i cannot move.
Guide my foot steps that I may only serve you and in everything that i do may your hand may be seen.
Fill me with love and compassion for all beings. Spare me from the demise of the lost.
Be with me always as my companion throughout everyday so that I may never be lonely.
Give me the right aquaintences. let me serve you in what ever way seems fit.
put me in the situation to do your will always. save me from myself.
i hate their wicked ness
am i being judgemental
i want to hide in my book i want them to go away
why am i put in presence
it my place to help
help me allow me to do what it is that you want me to do
i need inspiration
take care of jonathan
be with him always
its hard to see how this will be used to the glory of you
but it must
god did i ever thank you for saving me
why though why all those times did you spare me
why did i walk away so easily
how is it that you gave me two angels
the crash
the crash
why wasn't it the end
what are you showing me
life is this puzzle you are pesenting me with
options friends
allow me to be the image of right
don't let me fall like i am
show me the way guide me through
in so many ways i'm drowning
{how do the stories collide}
all of the lines wash together fear and rage
the place i want to be
you understand
you know me
humanity
our love is all gods money
help me find my voice agian
show me
the way
thank you
why is she always there tormenting me god
i can't handle the way she is always there
i am going to hide from her i don't want her to see me any more
i don't want to wonder where she is
she is but a dream to me help me find myself
help me learn music
give me the parrallel that i need show me what i am doing give me an outlet
i want to perform i need these tools do i need these tools teach me how to learn them
am i evil god
the way I admire these bodies and faces and voices and sex of females
they are beautiful
but i don't need them in lust
i just like the image of them
and there was that one
who they found
to bring them dreams
in a synthesized experience
there is so much more
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
didn't see why I liked some things until people told me that i should
then I spent the time training myself to follow their perspectives
in this dream I escape away
to control my self
i have so much trouble dealing with people talking to them speaking my mind
sharing, being open and receptive
so in it takes
breathing out
every thing experienced
every thing thiatypew has this mweaNING
sohwen the worklf the world
do you understand
thre conotation s
of all of this
and to tell you
of all of these that i love
of all the beauty which dances before my eyes
its your soul that I long for
its you who is always there
its you who is stead fast
its you my pure love
i could never feel dirty with you
my angel
for you I wait
for you I ache
though time passes by
and miles between don't mean a thing
because you are the same as you have always been captivated
mesmerized
hypnotized
and even though you know i love you
and i know that you love me
i see no place where we could hide away
and always be free
i don't know if you
have a place to shine
all along
all this time that I've watched you
and all the times
all the times that you draw near
there is
there isn't much to to say to you and make you know the way your movements torture me with a pleasure you will never understand
locked inside this cosmic dance
soundtrack to a life
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i want to go far far away from this world to a place that i dont know
technological idolotry
empty promises of an inefficient ruling class
-a seperation from the life of ones past
yet one draws nearer at the same time
are they afraid of you
place me
they play the wicked game of pacing blame
a tournament of who can yell the loudest
standing on soap boxes trying to out shout each other
blurring the lines of reality until they have disappeared completly
some make jestures of caring
others fall in like sheep
the children dance around merily
in imitation of grown up sins
dulled into everyday
one generation darker
we tried so hard to construct our world
like the one we saw on the television
like the one our parents made
they were the only ones we had to look up to
what will our next geration be like
how far are we into the wave
the onset or the end of a peak
the ground crumbles underneeth
lost in my own illusions
what once seemed real beauty
is really only cardboard cutouts
a mermaid left me there on the beach
taking the time to get through
and listening to my mind
to dos
how used
overwhelm me till i puke
so say you prayers like a good boy should
i've had enough of pickin up your stuff
i am a bad person
i do not have a kind soul
the one like I should
I am narscicitic
and do not care for others
i have taken and taken without giving back
i have too much to give
where have i wasted all my time
what foolish thing was it spent on.
so here is this new concept of religion where the art is representational and the viewer comes to see them self through it all
this is good for when the character sees them self in a mirror
bhuda-
dharma - pursuit of virtue and duty
artha - wealth aquired through ethical pursuit of ones profession
kama - desire - love familial, sexual
moksha - envisavges liberation
then there is all this idolatry on the outside of buildings
all these demons
and they run up from behind and stab a sword into your back
but on the inside there are gods
there is spirituality there is an escape from the world
and all its worldly concerns this is the womb of heaven
and its mingling with all you beleive in and you sort out the good and you sort out the evil
because thats what you know
beauty sharply contrasted with someone destroying it
jading it scewing it and warping it into something ugly
some one displacing art
with out caring for it at all
what was it that pi said
the trick is not to clean up the world around you but to clean up your own heart
in more elegant words
the stick in my own eye is blinding me
i am dead inside
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
one compositin came to mind
this etude which would do everything that i need to learn
this will be in story form
in eating the story
i found a very angry
place
the world which i resided in was
no longer al that i though that it was and once again
i felt the urge to escape
we made it throu the desert
there you are again
is all you said to me
as I find my feet
there you are again
now you'll be dancing in my head for days
at this time
the light fades earlier in the day
the sun hides behind the mountains
and you too have disappeared
once held in my view
aware that you too were seeing
time came
face to face
for a only a moment
and i ran away
ran away and prayed
that you would be gone
no longer on my mind
would I ever say why
still your gravity pulling me
is this how david felt before bathsheeba had a name
heart skips beat
shortness of breath
so afraid
so compelled
so confused by heart body and mind
fear that i frighten
that you could not understand
that the madness in side would grow beyond your understanding
nervous
how nervous you make me
its hard to stand or move
a lullabye to rock you to sleep only to wake you up again with loud hammering
Any organization defining itself on a basis of color can only do more damage
in the area of segregation by setting itself apart.
Therefore I propose a human student organization
so that we may rid our selves of the pesky non-earthlings.
setting myself snares to get out of trouble
a time an excuse to escape
a clean recording as pure as that world out there
pure enough to
create the illusion
for me
so they put up these fences
and made exploring illegal
restricted
open doors
new dreams
the story we
tell is modernist
the sounds we hear are
high pitched screams
decending
passing by
like buzzing insects
on a mission
so many sounds
so many complications
and on each new interruption that
that we found
all broke and fell
winding apart
in twisting ellegance
learning to learn
this world a tunnel
we are meant to pass through
a filter of some kind
intrest increasing
do the sounds decend in sweep
get the information you seek
from the world all around you
preaching it now
words come forth
but from where
the brain as an enemy
the brain as every thing
a thousand different
levels of arms
going off in every random way
look out
i can be the good influence
i can lead
but i am so small
TO ALL OF MY TEACHERS
in my acomplish ment
all will have a part
helping me get there
create
gut instincts
inter locking
side parts
i want to build a thousand little robot monkeys that do my bidding
soundscape the tuning of the world
there was you walking backward into my life
we crossed and faced
something i didn't plan on
dancing in my head
dancing in my head
what are you doing in my head
interupting thoughts
strange a person could steal your focus
so here is the thing
i wrote this song for one girl
another liked it
as i developed it
it started drifting
it relates to the dance
it relates to our dance
can i spend
just one more hour here
i can't pull myself away
but why
but why
i want to pick you up
swing you around
make you move
and move with you
an attraction
so hard to explain
desiring closeness
i love the dance
the closeness
the way it feels
and miss it when its not there
obsessing again
but not about her
what are you doing to me
get out of my head
don't need this now
its driving me mad
so far away and yet so close
said before
in the opposite way
don't seem anxious
to be close
held my phone for the longest time
debating to call
or to put it into our song
i don't know how though
lost on where to go
meanings evade
our dance
my life
in all these ways
one
intrigue
desire to be part of your world
me loving a machine
dealing with relationships
but
then
on top
you place you
i can't believe you chose that song
since you did it has been like a snowball
just waiting to manifest
complications made her go away
but there are still dancers in my head
trading one for three
and three for two
i finally confront her
tell her she was the unicorn
the obsession
and placed a face on letters sent anonimously
ramblings
thoughts of her dancing in my head
just there
tormenting
something i couldn't have
still defining have
i don't think she understood
she said she had a boyfriend
I said it didn't matter
if i was to attain the unicorn
it wouldn't be a unicorn
we talked for hours
i wanted out of the conversation
didn't know what to say
never did
still don't
just kind of needed a reason
there is really no connection
small talk is hard
i can't do it
especially when it seems obigatory
like asking somebody if you can be their friend
friends are something you fall into
they just kind of end up in your path
sometimes life must do the talking
only so much can be said in words
its the things said without
that connect
my girlfriends through the whole thing
i could confide in them
i could get advice from them
a love of my life
but time, distance and lack of communication hinder more
abby is rhada to me
if i am within a hundred miles of her i have to be with her
but in a thousand miles...
we talked a lot up until valentines
now shes to busy
i'm really busy too
i guess i can't say anything
T is my homie
i make her mad cause there was this whole her liking me thing
and we talked it out and we are friends but sometimes she drops heavy shit on me
and i can't really figure out where she is going with it or why she does it
and to me shes super but i really don't want to "hook up" or anything
she really seems kind of like an older sister to me but i never really had a sister that i was that close to...
my sister was in such a different world and just kind kindof had her own seperate world with seperate people.
oh did i ever tell you i never had friends who were girls
aquaintances
lovers
of course
but never friends
funny
i hear the monologue coming out when i type
my thoughts just flow this way
i guess because they don't get interupted
then i can clarify them
i write like i wish i could talk
completely honest
not holding anything back
my first relation ship was letters handed off between classes
digressing...
i could profess my love in letters
that was a really weird story
i got on this kick after reading about troubadores and chivilrous love
digressing...
always in this process of redefining love
narrowing it down
trying to be more and more like jesus
that kind of love
not getting hung up on the sexuality of things
but when dealing with girls thats always where the mind naturally tends to wonder
and yet there are so many different levels of intimacy
always looking
for a glorified fall into love
i want to love all of them
i want them all to love me
but in truth
i only want one
but don't yet know who the one is
and its not the right time
____________________________________________________
so I could pretend i don't care
why do i wanna stick around when i don't want to talk
why linger on for these hours and hours
what is it about you that hooks me
is it that you give me attention
others do
but you make me fight through it
i can ignore
if my angel could see me
she would hate me
i have placed a different standard for her than myself
the trap you have snared me in is seduction
not love
my awareness of this
should allow me to walk away
my intrest in you is not based on exquisit beauty inside or out
why am i in this
why would i give up somthing that mattered so much
why is she not here to protect me
where is my angel
why does she not have time for me
i can place no blame on her
all my actions i have done on my own
half truths now i share
hidden secrets
now my tormentor
they now stand as a barrier between me and my love
but it makes
so much sense
we should all be free
no possesion
of others
love is not adultery
love is shared between all
love is a connection of souls
adultery is a connection of lust
not to be held as bad
i cant have this monogamy
i need the freedom
she was my dark side i was trying to love the devil that is this world
but how can one love the devil
they restrict you pull you back
hold you down keep you from your work
god help me pull my life back together
help me stich it up
help me
hold me
protect me from the darkness and temptation
give me an escape
your reply was Isaiah 43:1
i found in my life at this time
all this anger
and hatred
for the world
i wanted more
a more spiritual
i wanted less of it
i am behind in a lot of ways god
i can see the
reason for it mixed with alot of other things
the best is to work while they sleep
my motivation is sapped
i need a new direction to go
I am coming to a point in my life where i really don't want to follow a path but would rather carve my own
classical music really holds no intrest for me
i feel a strong urge however to drift into popular music
so i must use my classical music to send me in that direction
my other area of intrest is in using the computer but having less interaction sittting at it
i would like to start developing outboard sensors to transmit information
i want to move into a more body driven system in which i am singing and moving to control sound and play music
to come to grips with my abilities on musical instruments and use classes to help me perfect them
my life must change directions
i must let go
of comparing myself to others and thinking of gain
however i want to have my financial situation in full control
this means getting my fafsa completed
figuring out living situations
and work out side of or for the school
i need to remove myself as dependent upon my parents and be gan my own life
to abby i will confess and love her forever the way that i should have in the first place
i don't want to have to deal with money
i want to just exist god
that idol is one that is destroying me
so much
money
money
money
its everwhere
like a neccesity for survival
im just dealing with leaving my beautiful fantasy world
for the real working fighting clawing scrap together everything that you can to build a life boat and float through this word
play our game
don't give anything take all that you can
take advantage when possible
thats the attitude
i want my attitude to be share
but then i don't
so conflicted
its easier to share when someone else is fitting the bill
the seduction of wealth lies there within
i will
i have the desire to build a tribal society
a society which functions independently in an anarchist \ socailist way
within a larger structured capitalism democratic system
these pockets will be specialized in art production which will provide the recource for the whole group
needs
housing
food
power (electricity, fuel, etc
water
the life style i want for myself is only possible with
cash
its saturday march 22 2005 10:23 California time
I'm in waco though
and its Easter sunday March 23 2005 12:23
where am i
what am i doing
why am i here
there is a reason for this i keep telling myself
i think of lovers past
I think about myself
where life has taken me
and how i ended up here in waco with my parents
fighting with them about everything
about freedom about religion
its easter
jesus has been dead for two days+
he is rising
in our hearts
its also a pagan holiday
i need God i need a change in my life
i need some kind of direction
Abby wants to hate me
I am having sex with andriana
I am not in love with andriana
i keep wishing that she would find someone else to be in love with
and then I will be alone
as I should be
I have so far to go
so much to do and I am sabataging myself
i feel diseased i want healing
i feel misguided and i want direction
i am filled with sin
i have not been kind
i have given in to the physical
and it has felt good
but it has left me in a trap
that i cannot be in
that i can not guide another into
i have decieved
i have forgoten obligation
i have been a soldier who has deserted his post
I cannot give my self to god because i don't know who God is
I want a nature quest
I want to worship god in his temple
I want to get ahead
i want to be on top of my classes
i must be free of my parents
i must be free of this world
i must carve my own path
i am not like them in isaiah 44;18 i can see
there is no veil
what do i do i ask
48;20 is your reply
you know how i feel why i can't give in you know the thing holding me back though
I don't
can't all powerful you show me the way
with out any possibillity
with out any doubt
i can not just fall into it
this sell is so hard
I want to buy it so badly and yet i don't
so poingant for a while and then you let up
and quit talking to me expecting me to find what you want to lead me to in riddles
am i to love you or hate you
its as though you mock me
with myself
so i can type into it
record my journey
all the sound
now becomes a matter of measuring
peaks
i am leaving for texas today
getting on an airplane
my routes began at 9:44 on march 24th in val verde
with the back hoe moving dirt
then to a canceld class replaced by a lesson in animation by hyperdyne
thst thong i continude
i was in a world of sin a world of write and wrong to make it make sense
to make it special
it was confusing
i want a program to make every Aif in to an mp3
and store it in a folder
one wiindow of text
sending to many places
i can confess
all
I am a sinner
i have sinned
i have had affairs
with another
god it is so hard for me to type
my fingers are totally wiggling around
the thing slowing me down is the burden that i carry
weight and the guilt on my shorders
i needed some one to talk to
always
to talk to
foolish to find out
that there was always something there
God i must upset them
thinking
alot about time
and our flow through the day
iteruptions become markers
the desire now came to be efficient
the desire now came to write like a musician
the desire now came to be me who ever me might be at that time
so i must say to them
you can have your politics
you can have your maddness and anger
you can have
i is we is you is me
weed is your poison its your darkness
stay away from it at all costs
its wastefull
its worthless
and it makes you the same
lights go out
computer screen illuminates the way
systems of organization
peacful
abrasive
loud soft
make a score out of occurances
which two were played
takes less space
a text of changes made
tempo variations
tweekable and replayable
hatred destroying me
all systems go
film scoring
all that anticpation for the center of an e
using silence
on hit stings
pig is the number one monster sound
in your own life be able to introduce others
put lives together
simple and at the beginning is often not the best way to learn
some times you must dive in and realize that you know more than you think you do
in mind
decifer what sets you apart
makes you diiferent
makes me love you
to no avail
where a picture meant a thousand words
deeper we dove into our story
love in jest
if everything typed into her
would become another
would become reality
i will make my hands work at this
this is my journey of learning
any thing is there
but one must seek it
light becomes color
everything becomes clear
painting life
starts at birth
a heart beats
slow at first
excelerates
chaos exists but something is missing
when the boy enters as a drone low and steady
life is colored in a way
2 heart beats become one
and from this union comes another life
and the journey for ever changes
and you are left with somthing you can keep
as all the shells of who you were fall away and the new you walks out as a breath
the entire range of human emotion was there
to be mapped and recreated
full control of the mind
it was my mind that needed to be cleared
ecclesiastes seemed so true the way that it was all fo nothing the way that we work because it was the only thing that made us seem some what fullfilled
the empty space that couldn't be filled by anything
and we were always told that god was the only thing that could fill that void
but so long ago we deserted him
and now when i seek him
i can't find his voice within his own book
what would you expect me to say
what would you expect me to think
this and that are not what i expected to see
or maybe whats worse is that i did expect to see it
but when i did i couldn't take it like I thought i could
but you have granted me an exit
and all i must do is take it
and face the repricussions of the life you have destroyed
or maybe just influenced
you were my dark side
i needed you
but why i still hang on I can't say
no more
appeasing
the events unfold as neccesary the warning
the surprise
the twisting feeling in my stomach
feeling decieved
but not so much
just retreat again to your perfect world
that revolves only around you and your art
all will be better there
is just you and god
dealing with others is so infinitely irritating
especially if you make comparisons
you will always feel cheated
and used and like you have gotten the shorter end of the stick
but the beauty is just to cope
with the cry babies and others
and not stoop to that level never ask for anything
and on to this issue of AM and T both i have set apart fom each other and to make my own decisions without their influence
my mind is lost
my direction is jaded
my good and my bad are at war i havent slept in days
i can't tell if i am letting go of
something i need to hold on to
so confused
so confused
so confused
anger is eating away at me
negativity has coiled her wicked arms around me
andrianas heart deep beneath has good in it
but my darkness
is side by side with hers
what scares me about her lives within me
to bew honest with my self
to be honest with others
to have color return
to fall to rise
to soar
to fly
jealosy of others prohibits trading their best for yours
admire and join in
and you give me all the more reason to
leave yet
i do not wish to so coldly walk away
like all the times betore
how is it that i love you
that i cannot escape you
even when the cage door is wide open
it would be so easy to just walk away
to disappear and end this
but i cannot leave you
i cannot desert you
i am chained to you with ropes that man cannot make
but all along
i ve known we were wrong
and all along
i have always loved
though i have fallen
though i have been cruel
its funny that i always find love in letting go
you grant me freedom and if i except then
you gain your independence as well
and what is to come of this fantasy you have lived in by my side
this dream
this perfect lillusion we have both bought into
i have known better all along
the longer we wait
to disolve the joint entity we have created
the harder it will be for both of us
can you love me
in a new way
a way that i always wanted to love you
the distance makes it harder
the distance makes it easier
to just walk away
to let it be a dream
but i havent given all that i can yet
our journey has not ended it is still in its infancy
the intamacy we have shared is only part of what is available to us
i will always give you me
i want to be a part of you
with out the jealosy
i do not feel guilty for our experience
i crave you
i imagine you lyling there when i go to sleep
and there is something that i am afraid to give up
but in giving that one thing up
my darkness
may be transformed into a dazzling bright light
and you
were my liberator
my teacher
my lover
my friend
i was wrong to give you my sin
but in giving that to you
i have found some sort of peace
there is beauty all around
and we both have a mission
a world to create
and we will
opposites
and in that instant when our eyes meet i imagine that you love me so deeply though we never met
and then the fantasy passes and i go back to my nornal life
in reverse we write to go forward
its harder this way
but why would i need it
to move across the country in some
chance of fate
May 5
it starts off with a sad drunk circus clown
when the show is over
he hides be hind a curtain looking into the tent where she performs acrobatics dancing in the air
he then retreats to his tent and a bottle of wiskey
I'm gonna leave this circus he says to him self as turns up the bottle
---------------
can I hear back for my job
work
i find myself in work
i find myself neglecting the world to create
days later I find myself in an environment where everyone bitches about the limited amaount of work they have to do
and all i want is not to have moments of twiddling my thumbs
always i want something to do
but i can work all the time
on my computer
<
always whittlling
all the time i have wasted in lust
not finding the true goal
how i have been distracted
how i have
lost my way
to greatness
and all of the things you offer me
the good is to
switching to the power of the dark side is so much more complicated than star wars makes it seem
read through
the sound file using a buffer to hold the section to be scanned the buffer will hold a small amount and be easilly manipulated and efficient to use
///////////////////////////////////////
u
my eyes begin to close
and a girls voice whispers almost inaudibly in my ear i open my eyes and see that the voice is coming from within my mind teetering on dreams
and it seems that all i want
taking the lead is the strongest path
to be the one that is unchanging
to be the strength to be the substance in the wash
some times the music doesn't fit some times
you have to leave the computer alone and do your thing
while it does its
i leave my computer to do its trick
to steal me away
this twisted way of coping with the world
to trade it for
the breath you manage to gasp from the sea in which you drown
some times eyes convey more than anything
sometimes eyes are all you need to speak
the hypocrit I have been
i sing in to the computer it knows what pitch i am supossed to know and what i do
a strange piece really meditive an hour long after a while you except what is happening and when you get there
your in it thats what i s happening tonight you must make your art in silence
until your opportunity shines opens up to make it go away the sound that happens reguardless
So instead of stopping
all worlds happen as they are supposed to
confused
white noise swell = shhhhh
shhhh= make it get quieter
out put is the one thing you need to monitor
and i will alwayss hav e a picture of what the audio was
so the end was the beggining
organize by worlds and events in the story
start coming up wqith a concept
that unifies your life
to this point
the feelings you would have
the feelings you have
an out line a map
my other idea is here
as i read along through a long text
the message will play
once you take a file
hand using glitcher for glove we
start a file
dragandrop
use
the audience talks when bored or sidetracked
its the battling sound source
creating a network
a litltteeledctronic world
i walk on a
interconection
i stumble upon my self along the way
and then i see that they are all me
black
all i see
the devils in one ear
an angel in the other
an operator
sits in heaven
hello>>>in brooklyn voice
this is a performance
always
displayed before the world
the great iron monkey came to make us all alike
with no one to could gain
all should gain
so why not put it in charge
it seems logical
the world of make believe
i want to talk to you every day
i want to know what you are thinking
i know i have done this to you and i deserve it
i want you to be happy
the longer i go without talking to you the more unhappy i get
i live in an artificial world that you don't understand
and to me it makes perfect sense
i would have you come to a realization that i have had
but you need to find it on your own
do you understand the part of us not being to gether that bothers me
its not distance
its others its watching you fall
i love you in so many ways and its not only as your lover
we are who we are
and you want to be who you are
and i am afraid of you never being there for me again
you want me as your friend
and i am
but i am no different today than i was a week ago
or 3 months ago
i came to grips with the fact that you live in my computer
that you live in my cell phone
and its that part of you i love just like anything else
just like the part of you i love when you are near
if you give into me and let me bully you into not talking to me because i am beeing a crybaby
about somthing that isn't real as much as its real you will disappear to me
so of course we are friends
of course i am here
of course i want to to talk to you
i just wanted you to break first and talk to me as a friend
what else can we talk about
i will never give up wanting you
i will never want to share you
but you are not a bird in my cage
and if you are fly
the cage door is open
On Jan 20, 2005, at 6:07 PM, Abigail Hinojosa wrote:
kyle, i don't resent you. i don't. i don't know what to do. i'm confused and scared. i felt what you're feeling and i know it sucks, but i know you know what i'm feeling and i want you to understand. i don't know what to tell you... maybe we shouldn't talk to each other for a few days... perhaps we should really think about things and talk about it again in a week...how does that sound? we're too sensetive right now to talk about it. it's all too painful... i'm really confused, kyle. i thought we were over then you came back...i need to figure things out. i don't want to hurt you. please let me know what you think about talking in a few days...
From: Kyle Ross
why do you resent me?
all i can understand is that you want to date other people, thats all that makes sense to me.
I feel like i've wasted so much time and energy and feelings.
i know what you will do with other people when you date them and it tears me up.
It makes me angry. It hurts me.
and when it comes to that. I just don't want to have anything to do with you.
I'm sick of thinking about it, of worrying about it. i want it out of my head.
i just really want it out of my head. i want you out of my head.
i don't want to love you and share you. i just want it out of my head.
so how can i be selfless how can i not be jealous how can i let you go and still be your friend...
I will be there but not now. I have to find myself too.
but find myself and redefining myself with out you...
I want to be you best friend but i also want to help you find your self.
but a guided tour won't work. this is so hard.
but i have to forget you to let you go with total freedom.
that, i don't know how to do nor am i willing to do. i have too much invested in you to .....
i'm retarded i don't understand anything how can i be there and not?
and i just don't want a part of me to die. and it fells like dying. so go.
i'll go well all be happy it just takes time. I am not making sense any more. I don't know what to do. I love you good bye kyle I'm fucking melodramatic. On Jan 20, 2005, at 3:41 PM, Abigail Hinojosa wrote: How can i explain to what's going on inside me?
i think of the things i've told you and even i am confused by them.
I't so cliche to say that i need to find myself but how else do i word what i need to do?
If we're supposed to be together if we are meant to have a life together,
there are things i need to know about myself first.
I can't rely on your experiences my whole life.
I couldn't. I'd resent you and that would be seriously damage our relationship down the road.
Does that make sense? I know that resentment is something i struggle with, but eventually conquer but it takes a really long time for me to get over it.
i don't know what's going on.
i love you but i feel that it's best for both of us right now to not be together...
especially for me.
if you had told me you wanted to get back together anytime up until about the end of november,
i would have jumped on it. but when i was layed up with my surgery,
i thought about things and i decided i wanted to move on.
i didn't think it would happen for us...not any time soon.
i'd been afraid of accepting dates b/c i didn't know how it would affect our relationship.
I decided that that wasn't fair.
i wasn't being fair to myself. i decided to move on.
then you came back and i talked to you then you said you wanted to get back together.
i didn't know what to think. i was confused because i didn't know if that was what i really wanted...
i needed time to think about it, but i felt i had to make a decision immediatley...so i guess i just sort of went with it.
that's a harsh thing to say but it's true. i didn't know if i wanted to try long distance again or not... after we broke up the first time i convinced myself that long distance was pointless...i came up with a lot of reasons not to do it and i'm sorry to say that i succeeded in convincing myself. kyle, i just can't do it now. i'm having distance issues, trust issues, and curiosity issues. i know i've hurt you but i could hurt you a lot worse if we were together right now...i'm sorry. i blame you for a lot of our problems but i know you had to do what you had to do. I love you kyle but i'm not happy with our situation. i keep going back and forth in my head trying to decided if i made the right decision. i don't know if i did but i had to do it...so i did. Please don't hate me. please try to understand. we'll pull through somehow...you don't have to stop talking to me. i don't want you to...let me know what you think about all this...please. abby From: Kyle Ross
don't hide behind apologies
don't say you love me
but cant make this work
you can't just turn me into a friend like that
in the morning the sun rises
and washes night away
a lonely night that lasts to long
at least i still feel
at least i still feel
i wish i didn't want to talk to you
i wish there was some one to replace you
i wish that
every day and thought wasn't you fluttering around in my head
fucked up thing is your more of a distraction away from me than with me
how do i just walk away
how can i just disappear
i don't want to talk to you
I long more than anything to talk to you
fuck you
i love you
i hate you
i want you hidden away there
on that other screen
why do i have all these fake emotions
what is together any way
take your time take your space
its not like your gone
but you are
there are so many things i want to know but don't want to know
so many things to say
and i am all messed up
i don't know how to feel
I feel like you are gone completely of your own choosing
music can't distract me enough
i don't understand what you are searching for and that bothers me
i don't think you know either
i can't deal with this
i can make it through
but i am being a baby
i don't understand you
just like you don't get me
only thing is i understand you all to well
nothing ever changes between us
its all on paper off paper
there is no final seperation
we just have these stupid little words we say to each other
to tear one or the other down
you are my companion
i know that in some weird way
and distance doesn't change it
time doesn't either
you help me through each day
you make all the bad not seem that unbearable
you are the friend i can confide in
and you make me feel like i can't even have that
because when we are this far away that all thats between us
i'm lonely
i have nothing else to say
My philososphy of self
is constantly drawn back into a scenario of intolerance of the mediocrity of others
this calls into question my desires
how i long to ask for nothing from another human being
that i would earn everything that i recieve in life
the Ayn Rand philosophy:
I swear by my life and my love of it that i will
not live my life for the sake of another nor will I ask any human to live their
life for the sake of mine
reevaluating what i think about what they think about me
do i really care if they understand me
do i care what they think do i care if i piss them off
who are they
all the anger thats inside of me all the stress thats been building up
this is how to break free to rebel against everythig
redefining what it means to be an artist
redefining what it means to be a free spirit
look at them worshiping their drugs and sex
are they laughing at me
i don't want to hear them
i don't want to see them
i want them to be completly alien to me
i do not belong in this world
these are the people i no longer wish to associate
and there fore i simply wont
those that confront me will see me
whoever me should be
yes things are changing
things should change
its always this terror of change
its always after today i will be the person i am supposed to be
its always something
i'm tired of people asking things from me
i'm tired of kindness being a grounds to be taken advantage of
i'm tired of being uses by people who i need nothing from not even friendship
especially not frienship if it comes at the cost of something
friendship should be free
reevaluluating my value judgements
reevaluating my place ment
angry at myself for comparing my self to others
angry at my self for being judgemental
angry at myself for being angry at myself
freedom is not something that is given
freedom is somthing you take
consequence comes from actions
if you follow principles of right and wrong
and you strive to be always right
then what fool can fault you
who can one impress but god
humans are inferior and pathetic
prime numbers
disassembly of your idea
how many different ways can you break it down
a sculpture to house my midi box
the fruit of the tree in the garden
nature
the snake ---scaley writhing eloquent logical convincing
the man the woman- naked - innocent
all of time
old
wise
good and evil
THE TREE
enticing
evokes curiosity
temptation
wisdom
the fruit could be on a weight so if you took it some thing would happen
the fruit
colored
exotic
tasty
forbiddin
transfers a powerful knowledge
so I could pretend i don't care
why do i wanna stick around when i don't want to talk
why linger on for these hours and hours
what is it about you that hooks me
is it that you give me attention
others do
but you make me fight through it
i can ignore
i am not in love
no one can capture my heart
my thoughts yes
my time even an easier task
that is the problem with a distraction
intimacy i defined with you
to show off to the world
proudly
those private moments
red satin sheets
how was i wrong how was i right
what would i give up for a night
set snares to get out of trouble
a time
an excuse
to escape
a clean recording
pure as that world out there
pure enough to
create the illusion
for me