in the era of happiness and bounce
yet our heros were martyrs
those that died
sad little clones
worshiping idols
and wearing grungy clothing

out of my world
where memories intermingle with the present and an unclear future fantasy
walk out the door and the journey begins

life was the satire the humor and irony pointing out human failure

in my head now

if i knew all of the right things to say
would i know all of the right things to do
would i be like jesus
or a con artist
selling my life
selling my dream


I feel like I'm fucking everything up.
i can't feel motivated to change
this person i am
my life i hate
my life i love to much to give up

I feel depressed.
I don't know why I'm doing any thing.
I can't find motivation.
I've felt so behind since I got here.
Help me.
Its wrong to just jump in without praising you, thanking you
or even saying hi
instead a list of demands.
I need you though
I need you now and always.

Give a sense of purpose
help me help myself.
I need out of this rut.
I cannot find my feet.
pulled in too many directions. Its so heavy and i'm so behind with so little time and yet i cannot move.
Guide my foot steps that I may only serve you and in everything that i do may your hand may be seen.
Fill me with love and compassion for all beings. Spare me from the demise of the lost.
Be with me always as my companion throughout everyday so that I may never be lonely.
Give me the right aquaintences. let me serve you in what ever way seems fit.
put me in the situation to do your will always. save me from myself.

we watch our world
teetering on the edge.
pulled in so many different directions
its hard making them all fall into place
learning what i came here to learn
failing at what is laid before me
how could an outsider understand that.

a bad person
without kind soul
narscisistic, uncaring and greedy
i have too much to give
where have i wasted all my time
what foolish thing was it spent on.
didn't see that I liked some things until people told me that i should
then I spent the time training myself to follow their perspectives
trying to see it their way instead of judging

we made our moment destroying
never thinking of the future
now looking back sick with the damage left in our wake

so many ruined things never again replaced

record the feed back
as sun rains down and dies
begins to dive
as they all close down

stop that high pitched pain in my head
who am i
i want to scream
i want to yell
i want to battle all
i want it to destroy me
i want to be born again
i want to die to my self
hatred swelling within
for all around
every one and every thing
I seek emancipation
i want it to be as hard for them as it was for me
the way that i trudged through jungles to find information
and in the pathway that i carved they simply walk
reaping my benifits
afraid they will recieve the glory that i never could

what do you do
the spirit broken
does child recover
or just hover
soul unwhole


scribbles dribble forth from this pen in my hand
like sand in the passing hour glass of mankind.
I watch time tick away assuring me I can't stay but knowing
there is somthing I gotta say so listen before I go
I gotta unload or else i'm gonna blow
its been so long
Its all been so wrong.
thoughts of what to say betray on the page I create,
and in my mind on my own time
a battle rages on inside
eating me alive.
and out side I'm hiding and biding my time
behind this charade
I place before the face of all mankind. I pour the truth
oh wait here's the part that just don't belong
whats gone wrong in the world
its all about sex and drugs
bitches and thugs
don't even get me started on guns
(sneering) nheeer its all in fun
who gives a fuck about your gat
i don't wanna hear all that
so say somthing real
about what we all feel
no posing like gangsta's
i gotta go all the bull shit makes my brain hurt
like a clown on the town I trip and hit the ground
and they all turn around laughing and pointing
you make me so mad what are you looking at
I'm not here for your amusment

sick of gossip
afraid one day I will become all that i despise
i gotta get away from this influence
there is no 3-d no xyz

i have so much trouble dealing with people talking to them speaking my mind
sharing, being open and receptive
every thing that I type has meaning
work became the world
do you understand the connotation of all of this

No i really don't

to tell you

beauty sharply contrasted
with someone destroying it
jading it
scewing it
warping it
into something ugly
some one displacing art
with out caring for it at all

eating the story
i found a very angry place
the world which i resided in was
no longer all that i thought that it was and once again
i felt the urge to escape
we made it throu the desert

setting myself snares to get out of trouble
a time an excuse to escape

a clean recording
as pure as that world out there
pure enough to
create the illusion
for me
learning to learn
the world a tunnel
we are meant to pass through
a filter of some kind

intrest increasing
do the sounds decend in sweep
get the information you seek
from the world all around you
preaching it now
words come forth
but from where
the brain as an enemy
the brain as every thing
a thousand different
levels of arms
going off in every random way
look out

i can be the good influence
i can lead
but i am so small

MY TEACHERS who all have a part

gut instincts
inter locking
side parts
i want to build a thousand little robot monkeys that do my bidding

A poster once held a significant place on my wall.
Across the top in large green letters it said "MURPHY WAS AN OPTIMIST".
Of course any one who knows of Murphy would recognize this as irony.
Murphy's firts law waws that "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong"
I wish I could but cannot argue with the statement.
however I think we learn more things through our "trials and tribulations" than in any other way.
as we carry on with out letting the words get the best of us
we grow stronger more aware of the world we live in and the tasks we are delt.
bla bla bla bla bla...

the desire now came to be efficient
the desire now came to write like a musician
the desire now came to be me who ever me might be at that time

so i must say to them
you can have your politics
you can have your maddness and anger
you can have

IÕm so pissed off at everything in the world
our govt
the job search
the rising prices
and the falling pay
third world countries
wars in the middle east
peace talks ending in riots
america in everybody elses business
college costs
scholarship contests
financial aid denial for a farmers kid
income tax judgements based on assets and not money
taxes govt takes and doesnÕt give back
anarchy is freedom
no one would be responsible enough to handle it
mc donalds owns the world along with ted turner
fuck it all

play our game
don't give anything take all that you can
take advantage when possible
just get ahead of the next guy
and own things
thats the attitude
i want to share
but then i don't

so conflicted

its easier to share when someone else is fitting the bill

the seduction of wealth lies there within

i is we is you is me

weed is your poison its your darkness
stay away from it at all costs
its wastefull
its worthless
and it makes you the same

lights go out
computer screen illuminates the way
hatred destroying me

all systems go

in your own life be able to put lives together

simple and at the beginning is often not the best way to learn some times you must dive in and realize that you know more than you think you do i will make my hands work at this

this is my journey of learning
any thing is there
but one must seek it
light becomes color
everything becomes clear
painting life
starts at birth
a heart beats
slow at first
chaos exists but something is missing
when the boy enters as a drone low and steady
life is colored in a way

2 heart beats become one
and from this union comes another life
and the journey for ever changes

and you are left with somthing you can keep
as all the shells of who you were fall away and the new you walks out as a breath

the entire range of human emotion was there
to be mapped and recreated
full control of the mind

reevaluating what i think about what they think about me
do i really care if they understand me
do i care what they think do i care if i piss them off
who are they
all the anger thats inside of me all the stress thats been building up
this is how to break free to rebel against everythig
redefining what it means to be an artist
redefining what it means to be a free spirit
look at them worshiping their drugs and sex
are they laughing at me
i don't want to hear them
i don't want to see them
i want them to be completly alien to me
i do not belong in this world
these are the people i no longer wish to associate
and there fore i simply wont
those that confront me will see me
whoever me should be
yes things are changing
things should change
its always this terror of change
its always after today i will be the person i am supposed to be
its always something
i'm tired of people asking things from me
i'm tired of kindness being a grounds to be taken advantage of
i'm tired of being uses by people who i need nothing from not even friendship
especially not frienship if it comes at the cost of something
friendship should be free
reevaluluating my value judgements
reevaluating my place ment
angry at myself for comparing my self to others
angry at my self for being judgemental
angry at myself for being angry at myself
freedom is not something that is given
freedom is somthing you take
consequence comes from actions
if you follow principles of right and wrong
and you strive to be always right
then what fool can fault you
who can one impress but god
humans are inferior and pathetic

building the system

in mind
decifer what sets you apart
makes you diiferent
makes me love you
to no avail
where a picture meant a thousand words
deeper we dove into our story
love in jest

if everything typed into her
would become another
would become reality

i can't tell if i am letting go of
something i need to hold on to
so confused
so confused
so confused

anger is eating away at me
negativity has coiled her wicked arms around me
the heart deep beneath has good in it
but my darkness
side by side with hers
what scares me about her
lives within me
to be honest with my self
to be honest with others
to have color return
to fall to rise
to soar
to fly
maybe the whole story
revolves around us
asking for forgiveness asking to come back
to the rock
and then there will be black

if i died what have i done
at the end of my part in the ship ride

escape the cage

the cage breaks open
i see outer space
(i see my own body has been the cage all along) only spirit now

suspension sequence

let go of that portion
looking back in sadness
i delete that part
that moment in time
click to delete.

fading with the dying screams of his last words: fuck you f-u-c-k y-o-u as i fall from the cliff

A: and you would do that to a friend
B: no, but I would do it to you


Dying scares ME

for silent vendetas
a dark and earie monster
from a swamp
arises in front of me
changing every thing

the beast creates a wicked scream
towering and full of darkness
he walks at a rythmn of timpani

he has a poision on his claws
his bite leaves a venom
always darkening my thoughts
. Tksjam Tksjam
how many half steps are in a major third the beast asks me .
and crawling away
picking at scabs and opening old scars
all that was evil
all that was me

empty promises of an inefficient ruling class
a seperation from the life of ones past
yet one draws nearer at the same time
are they afraid of you
they play the wicked game of pacing blame
a tournament of who can yell the loudest
standing on soap boxes trying to out shout each other
blurring the lines of reality until they have disappeared completly
some make jestures of caring
others fall in like sheep
the children dance around merily
in imitation of grown up sins
dulled into everyday
one generation darker
we tried so hard to construct our world
like the one we saw on the television
like the one our parents made
they were the only ones we had to look up to
what will our next geration be like
how far are we into the wave
the onset or the crest
the ground crumbles underneeth
lost in my own illusions
what once seemed beautiful reality
is only cardboard cutouts

so they put up these fences
and made exploring illegal

open doors
new dreams

the story we
tell is modernist
the sounds we hear are
high pitched screams
passing by
like buzzing insects
on a mission
so many sounds
so many complications
and on each new interruption that
that we found
all broke and fell
winding apart
in twisting ellegance

realize all that lies ahead
each level is somthing new
some thing that takes time to interjectivly enjoy
its all part of a system
we donÕt see
somthing we hate in what we think is love
the place between the sketches
is the answer
to the question no one wants to ask

standing at each burning bridge
you have the choice to reconstruct or walk away
but you wonder why its burnt as if it were not you that struck the match

always thinking so much
guess IÕm growing up
I wonder what IÕm doing now
how long will it last
what's next

thinking about life has got me by the neck
holding me
turning me
twisting me to thoughts of God
and these people with their need to be so cool
that they would do any thing,
hurt any one
so insecure and hurting in side
just like me
just like me

why is it so hard? I find myself
trying to recall what was written down
as I ramble on filling in gaps
making things up
trying to put this puzzle together
trying to answer the whys
and everyone says because
but for every because
another why falls in place
followed by a because retort
an infinite circle of confusion
so much and so many things to do
but its hard to see the reasons why I try
while I get nowhere
trudging through all this extra shit
the complications
of my hypocritical
sad little world
life and death
Its so odd to see how quickly the silver thread can be severed
to see how the world and all its certainty is now more unsure than ever
take a person an acquaintance ... there gone
but what is the final goal ah but that is the eternal question love so latched into my own little world the one deep inside oblivious to the outside

the history as recorded drove me into laughter

I realized its hard to put words together in the real world
in this computer I can be anything i desire to be
the difficulty in saying things using words:
often they donÕt come when you need them
later there are to many to push away
all the things you couldnÕt say till now
what I would have done
what I would have said
who I would have been
it so easy to see now sitting here alone
looking back
All the things I tell myself
and hold inside
all the things to let out
why can I not rely on consciousness
why can I not yell out to strangers on the street
so many things to say so many ways to say them
but would any one understand
so many words made to express the feelings inside
not one can express the way i feel
it would take a life time to understand
I get so frustrated in times like these
trying to release it all but the words don't seem to come out
and here I am reaching inside wrenching my guts trying to gind some meaning
to this puzzle called life
and this puzzle of of god and of love and hate
if I could just put these pieces together and totally understand
then maybe I could give some insight
but I just donÕt know
we live in a world of three minute solutions how is somthing that is decades long meant to survive? so why wonÕt people listen when what I say is so important how do you make it important to them and just do what you do stealing a moment to live a dream to make a dream to find myself to be myself to love me when the world doesnÕt how wonderful would that be

they pulled the soon to be hanged man behind them, his legs kicking out the old brown boot heals stirring up dust
he continued shouting at the crowd
he continues shouting


pay attn IÕm trying to tell you something

you see the back of an eleven year old boy who hears him shout "listen boy"
the boy turns a round

his eyes meet the boy's
all sound goes out and the blond headed cowboy says
"listen, you can be any thing you want to be
who cares what the world has to say
be yourself your all that youÕve got
close your eyes and they all go away
and for a moment you will see more clearly than ever
that the treasure of being free belongs to you
and the key is in yourself alone"

boy - when does everything become clear

cow boy - "it doesnÕt"

everything remains still but the cowboy nd the boy and
the cowboy comes from a very awkward state of being drug to standing up by way of supernaturaly becoming unentangled from the hangmen and stands up strait you see that his cow boy out fit is no ordinary cowboy out fit but one more suitable for a motorcycle rider.
why are the details so hard for me

how naively we go through life

should we go through life
with eyes on the ground
pretending that the passer by does not exist
feeling the need to look away
when our soul says stare
this avoiding eye contact must go

make them feel that another is happy and in their fear of standing out all will be smiling
as if nothing had happened at all

what makes a hero

the world had been searching for a hero for many years

be an objectivist see your goal then live your life for the completion of it Ð see it through to fruition.Ê
I will become through acting the role the hero I have chosen to be
Not a charade
Just life lived correctly

I have god an excuse to be exactly every thing that i want to be
but god is no excuse
you need
no excuse
just do what you do
we live for the purpose placed on our plate
to do it the best we can

my purpose has been music for as long as i remember through struggles against those who would change my mind like walter wright
who just didnÕt understand but even he could not defeat me
he could not turn me away
my dreams have grown
they encompass all that i am
and i want no more in life than to live and make my dreams come true
i do not want mine to be empty words but instead a mission statement declaring that i will live my life to achieve my destiny
which is to change the world through music and art rolled into one
to present my message that life is more
life is the ever present the unchanging
the ride that is unique but completely unchanging
i am not so important
what i have to say is
which is...

if you are blaming someone else for anything you should closer examine your self

i will leave for the world somthing special because it has known me
a connection with every human being on th e face of the planet to bring them all together
tear them away from the darkness invading the world
feel needed and loved
give reason to love
to be loved
to be wanted and sought after
my selfish desire to rise is what holds me back to be recognized is to be seperate
the seeking of popularity is a flaw

Ê this is where the story begins this moment this leaving
from one world into a new life
A story we tell as true as our lives
representing all
narrowing to two
The eternal battle between Good and evil juxtaposedÊor just apposed
The artist shows in a new light you
caught somewhere between the two
Ê In the act words become your own
Aiming in the same direction as the book
Which screams at you make the choice

its just a scribble just a rough sketch
of the big picture
You can always go back later
and fill in the details
divide by two winning sides

Allow yourself to determine what it is you want most in life
I know what I am by knowing what I am not

My more sensible principles
Become incomprehensible
When IÉ

The artist's creed

I spent so many nights under a moon lit sky
Trying so hard to find
a song to show
The essence of a soul
Cause in the end its all our breed has ever known
From the womb into the grave
we try our best to save
every token and momento
every feeling thatÕs ever been spoken
and heart thats been broken
And we pass it along
though itÕs the food that we live on
all this truth for the price of a life spent inside
searching for the deepest darkness
and the brightest light
for all time
for a chance to pass it on
just to have our art belong
in a world thatÕs so far gone

maybe we could change it
rearange the mess once made
and make this world a better place

all i find are threats of damnation and destruction
help me see lord help me see, how this, how you are not evil
talking in circles gets no one anywhere
would they have us return to the jungle as apes
leaving behind our technology pretending that our knowledge does not set us apart from the apes
are we parasites of the globe consuming but never giving back
the skeleton of a holy book remains but the meat has been chopped away and scattered about the history of mankind
The deeper philosophies stretch their tentacles into all aspects of life
First we run our fingers along the surface of knowledge

The book in my tale
Must equal all of those I read now
it seems empty but fills itself in as needed
some open minds you seek somthing to say with themÊ
When there is nothing to say I won't
Time I will no longer fill with silence
I will no longer waste or misplace the time allotted to
My eternal goal is to change the world to fight evil and leave the world a better place than I found it


I wrote the story as a child Only an adult could make it real

How can I rise from ledge to ledge To find and become my hero inside

my parents going through the long drawn out process of childbirth
sending child out into the world to carve his own path
shifting ownership of my life from their hands to mine

my gillotine is so slow to see
cutting like a knife
through the meat of me
like an ameoba
where once one cell was
there are now two

I have been one of them for so long
One of the parasites
I feel like shit to ask them for the money
To see my goal through
Through them
I will pay it back but how
My parents have given far to much
It has come to a moment in time where I must grow my own wings
And earn my own way

I feel like my life is a charade
Like I fake my way through
Like I cannot be that hero I desire to be
So who do I want to be

So its like our lives
Its like soundtrack
Leaving behind the child inside
To grow up, evolve, let go of childish ways
So why haven't I

slow motion
watch the world go by my window
and think of you
and the weight of things said
this promise to you
takes so much
means so much

who am I and who is the person I want to be
so what are the people in the old testiment doing when they build an alter and worship the lordÊ

i don't see why we have to spend this life waiting for something better
praying for death and seeking the end

what has God promised me

you fools of the church thinking your rules and regulations will get you to heaven
organization is your flaw

above all i wish to turn my life into my dream
to live the story I am writing to be the person I choose to be

realize you limitations
and donÕt be cocky
plan for a second job
and network

in an imaginary world I struggle aganst thoughts I have not yet had
yet I know that they will pass through my daydreams
as my mind drifts in and out of reality

no time to reflect

it could be as simple as a switch

a softness grows as the tear widens across the sky to the north and south
you make the world at your fingertips

a moment with you is worth a million in pain

reflections - all i see for these carfree years left behind
now I canÕt let go of this old life but I know its time I let go((I'm letting go now)(Your always letting go)) but I donÕt know if I can
If I can be free of this prison
and free of this life
I built for myself
saying IÕm not where IÕm meant to be
therer must be somthing more for me

I shoud be somewhere else somewhere someone would love me
thats my dream to become somth
someone to be proud of someone IÕd be proud to be

but I could never be that one that adore
and if I could who would I be
I just wish I was someone other than me
but I know I could be so much more

what have I done all these years I have to right all thes wrongs
and try and catch up with the world passed by
as I watched and waited and wanted to join

but now I see what I did wrong
I never gave enough of myself
I just got buy excusing my lack of knowledge with a lack of caring
now it haunts me as the world greets me with open arms welcoming me into their own personalized hell
but I want to be more

I remember being hurt all my life
hating myself longing for everyone to hold me up in esteem
desiring fame and popularity
for every one to know my name
so I waited to be great ato be loved
to be what i was meant to be

time passes friends come and grow
left behind unwanted uneeded and all alone
close off the world and dissapear into my self where anything is possible

feeling like the ugly duckling
silently wondering why he didn't fit in
hurting and crying at night
longing to be excepted and loved
hiding from the world wishing for a different place
finding no comfort but looking for none
this must be depression
hurting inside but peacful on the surface
no nothing seems wrong
content and looking for fun
none but those who knew had a clue

i look at all the things I do wrong
the debt of the father is now my own for my own selfish ways
its funny the way we change

to see and understand the me I am now you have to see the me that I was
I couldn't go back to that though I see myself sliding futher and further down
slowly killing myself and my purpose
where am I going

we pic our own soundtrack
never tell what should be shown never show what shoud be said

writing the book of the voices in his head
in the end the cast remains the same

fighting against intangible words
struggling to make sure thos words mean nothing at all
like a mission statement saying I will do somthing though I do not know what
what can you give that no one else can but yourself in your art
they are all parts we choose to play
the trick is knowing them each so intimitly so deeply that you can improvise and play word games with each philosophy
that you can play the role unscripted unaided

its a little known fact that obnoxious people are more fun in chance circumstances
exact recall is the hardest part
think in sequenses
build it do it this is what you need
schedule everything

don't make a sound you know what I found
and no I donÕt want you back cause youÕre fuckin around
and your not worth htese tears or all these wasted years

lined up in rows,
shot in canvas sac covered heads
one by one

a flock of words filled the sky of my mind
an outstretched hand captures only a sample
a few insignificant scraps such a struggle to make sense of this

put poison in the body
watch it whither away
for what?
a shame unable to escape tedium naturaly

lifes like pickin scabs
has been for years
chasin findora's tale

the old man told his story

falling apart

so in short yeah thats what i think of it

fragmernted as they are

the sky fades to darkness


the day that I died life became vibrant, precious and clear
standing beside a newborn me
like a child again

the flower for a lily grew where my body was placed

as a child there was innocence
back to that magical moment of birth
relive the whole thing
the way you should have lived it this time
but you cant
with life's little screw ups
you could never expect it to be the way you thought it would be

the past viewed in a telescoping way yet has fiction inlaid

looking back
life seems to shape you
who you were
who you are
what you went through to get there
the journey is who we are
growing up is the journey
as you look and see backward
in an awkward way
life almost seems to make since

hey life
good morning
so happy to see another day
I turn my face towards the sun
close my eyes and feel the warm glow all around me
staring out this window to a new day
full of potential and open dreams
Allow this Mantra to be my prayer
I wake to my new world sleep sufficient for this day.
I will not tire, my body is a machine
I will go harder, be stronger, faster, smarter.
to touch the world, to be seen and heard.
body and mind perform intertwined
Ailments and inadequacies fall to the side.
I will be an organized individual.
Every moment productive. Never distracted.
time will not be wasted,
it will seem slow
allowing me to fulfill every need.
Memory refuse to fall by the wayside
All that seperates me from your love
and all that is not light I send to you to be dissipated and disolved


walk out side today
to a world of gray
that's ok I like it that way
heard a morning bird chirp
and thank god for beautiful day.

Almost Autumn

I venture into the world, emerging wearily from the from the project studio where I happen to sleep, finding myself lost in an awkward state of mind. The steady thump swip thump swip thump swip of my plodding feet in brown imitation leather flip flops, fused with the unyielding pressure in my heels reminds and assures that this empty dream of wind, leaves and trees is in my conscious waking life. The walk at first seems no different than usual save this unexpected chill teasing me for my inappropriate dress. I hug my arms close to my body in a vain hope for protection from this biting cold on my bare arms exposed by a dingy old white T-shirt with a drawn picture of my fatherÕs navy blue 1934 model ford hot rod on it. I scold A strange surreal feeling rides the strong north blowing wind. The demon permeating my tattered gray cargo pants, well ventilated from years of wear, digs its seraphic claws even more deeply into my soul causing the world to seem unreal like a nihilistic dream I once had. Today the world echoes the same emptiness present in the dream. The wind screams, then whispers and wraps itself around me as we couple in beautiful dance to patterns of disjointed movements in a song with no steady rhythm or melody. Life seems only available in the form of flora. No human nor animal seems to exist, but in this solitude, I first begin to notice the life in the stirring trees. Peculiarly, Shedding leaves become an emblem for a new season.
Across the concrete sidewalks and patios, fallen leaves spin chaotically like the turbulent fractals seen when a drop of creamer is first stirred into a cup of coffee. Every crevice and brick wall gently touches the wind, sending it sprawling backwards like a child's interrupted spinning top. I chuckle at the warring marriage of GaiaÕs soft flowing nature and humanityÕs hard edged ingenuity and creation. There is a sort of amusing sadness in watching what seems like a figure skater attempting so gracefully to wage war against a hockey player who stands firm refusing to budge at her feeble longing for use of the ice. On this almost gray peculiar day, theuman sound through the air and destroying the precious thread between two states of conscious being.
and when it all gets to hard
i run away into this world of mine
my haven of word, sound, picture and video
its my escape
and my frown slowly twists away into a smile
as i am set free from all the shit
i find myself buried in
but this world
i create it
i control it
until it begans to take over me
just like the outside world
but I have power to fight here


in a park
a little girl sits alone
staring at the sky
mesmerized by dark clouds
different shapes and sizes
twisting circling so expansive
some smooth some fluffy
some white as cotton
some shadowed - shaded with jeweled edges
shining through like pillars supporting heaven
light reflects in spots of brilliance
surrounding darkness
dark blue and gray
like a beautiful bruise in the sky
separated from an amazing back drop a sky
so many shades of blue contrasting so simply with the clouds
some stop
some stay
standing there
saying how strange
yet I sit alone out side
beside this lost child
separated from her mother
with still more hope than me
I ask her what she wants to be when she grows up
and she looks at me smiles and says "Happy"
then runs off chasing a puppy disapearing into an ocean of grass

A name

who is she this child with so much wisdom?

search for name

A peaceful calm in the cool night air
its been a beautiful day
a moment away from raining
earlier standing by the side of the road
feet in grass so green
staring to the horizon
watching the earths silhouette against a grayish blue sky
reminds me that I
am free and alive

something in the air tonight so perfect
a touch of God
an unusual electrical charge
feeling the cold air collide against my face
surrounded by the cool night air
I dance
nothing is more precious than this moment
if I could stay here forever I would
an eternity like this
but the rain has begun to die away
And I know all to well
that it shall all be gone
and once again
IÕll be alone

the air is nice here
my faces presses against this cool breeze
it felt good to be alive to day

Êbeautiful trees,
you see the difference in them
see the grains in the bark
up to the structure of the leaves always spreading
reaching out ward like the infinite paths of life which we have to choose from
trees diffracting like a nerve endings a synapse to another plane of existence
all the channels to be taken of all the infinite pathways you can choose only one
but eventually all lead to the air
a connection to two plains one above one below

there is a great tree of life we all climb upon like monkeys in the jungle of our existance.
so like children in the garden
our birth is the trunk the rising from the ground
the roots and braches a reflection of each other
inside meeting outside
we come to each branch each fork and are forced to make a decision concerning the direction we go after choosing our way all other options are left to the side
we can no longer change
and when we reach our leaf
which we become changing to a most vibrant color
we will know that we lived life in the only way that was possible for us and followed every path chosen for us to make us what we were to be

traveling by foot across the world
in the distance a blue mist en
a dark storm brooding juxtaposed with the coming night fall
clouds gather making a dark canopy against the sky
slowly yeilding to the night

Is it not a beautiful night?
Are we not blessed?
choose this new beginning.

the way the moon back lit the dark clouds
exposing a giant rip in the darkness
on the edges both hard near the moon and beccoming soft as the clouds drifted away
the clouds looked like water
the light of the moon seems like ripples
a gray filter on a midnight sky
the air is so still there is a beauty in the calm

candle light sessions


searching soul by candle light
flames flicker
dancing with my breath
in the silent stillness of this cube
i sometimes call a room
TV flickers faint blue and gray
illuminate the night
where I lie awake
wait for sleep to take me
eyes upon the ceiling
following silhouette blinds
on the pale glow
thru the wind
My world all I know
think of death and life
and want to cry
but donÕt know why
just sigh
and with the fall andrise
close my eyes
to a black release
within the world of
d e m r a s

by day you live one life and by night another
reality is the dream of our dreams
sleep in one wake in another
what happens when concious ness stretches across both realms

I write it down its the only way I can make sense of:
the beauty of your past
moments and loved ones taken for granted
believing and thinking for myself
peopleÕs cruelty
donÕt judge
love one another
frustrations with self
longing to fit in
drugs sex and rock and roll
things I did wrong
worry of death and the future
trying to live up to expectations
trying to let go
simple joys
a search
from every angle - a guage by which to measure relationships our reason for living
a father
a mother
a brother
a sister
a stranger
an enemy
the journey of discovering love and self
piece by piece putting the puzzle together

yet grand ambitions hold me and grow to overwhelm.

to be truely loving
to find our self
we must
we must
we must

we must understand love
we must understand kindness
we must become servants

so here i am to serve to help

to be a person who ignores the world but only moves in a direction of good
this is about cleanliness
about healthyness
about working
about perfecting the self
about not critisising but rather setting an example which people will want to follow


start from focus point zero
out forevever
in forever
at some point the two repeat
knowledge has always been a web
in a computer screen
its seen
like never before
through a newly opened door

for the longest time it was heaven there in the house with my father
we would sit and talk out on the front porch i had free run of the farm the green beauty of it all
almond trees

almost everything I have learned has been from music it followed me along so closely through life.
it been my coach an i
sure the music changes it grows evolves just as we evole and grow
it can be so simple and mean so much it almost never ends a constant barrage of melodies in the back grounds of our lives listening to bill evens driving through the rain in the dark on the way back from a date with a lover. just like a sound track. but we manipulate it use it to control our emotions.

This is for:
the son or daughter IÔve not yet had,
brothers and sisters never met,
the world,
the under dogs,
those sitting at home alone wishing for an existence less mundane
those with everything,
those with nothing,
those that point the finger,
those that find themselves on the receiving end of it,
those who make plans for the future while life passes them by
those paths have intercepted my own with or without my or their awareness,
they walk into and out of our lives as if they were a mirage we never know who they are or where they came from

to myself to serve as a road map to self discovery

To God to give it all away the whole experience
To a world gone blind
open your eyes
to the infinity
beyond your brick walls
beyond what man has made
use what you have
where you are
from the ground
to the sky
knowing: thoughts mean nothing
without action to make dreams come true

funny thats what itÕs about

pondering my perplexing placement in the current fate led moment
an introduction brought about
its summer and IÕm silently staring at the multicolored blocks of a rubics cube unchanged since 8 days after christmas.
Its so close to complete, the top two layers are done along with its white top I have not touched it since then.
a perfect alegory for my life
so close to complete, to success but I refuse to complete this puzzle for the fear of ruining the progress already made.
I have come so far, would it be worth the risk to let it all go?
this constant work in progress seems to have no end
I no longer write it it writes me
an Idea strikes
no longer do these jestings have seperation
its all become one gigantic peice of confusing art
or maybe just a puzzle i am forced to figure out
indescribable, foolish, important to the artist but
with out a story or even a plot to draw in a crowd
its boring
where is it leading
what is its purpose
i say these things to my self and ask these questions
why am I driven to do this?
...my insanity shown through?
a little skitzo conversation with me and me
in all this rushing river of random ideas
i reach in to grab a mere handful as gallons rush by passing out of sight and mind
as moments are lost in the flow
why am I so slow
if I could capture the whole and sit it down in front of the world then the rubiks cube would be complete
all pieces in place and accounted for
I guess what this is really all about is my fear of dying and giving no contribution.
Art is to me an unveiling of the soul created in the hopes that someday it might change a life
or just connect and sombody could say ÒI know now that somebody else has gone through this struggleÓ
Ironically i could finish the rubiks cube and still
its like a puzzle you arenÕt meant to understand
its almost like a conversation how I peice this to gether a conversation with the self
between mes from different eras of my life
its odd to think that I am constantly becoming a new person
a better me
a me closer to my own ideal of me
i know the right and wrongs enough to know ive made some mistakes
where i think iÕm going is where I feel like iÕm supposed to go
and i couldnÕt have gotten there without where iÕve been
some would disagree
but i canÕt see that point
maybe its because i donÕt listen

laugh with me
cry with me
plummet to the pits of depravity
only to rise again
to the heights of heaven

isnÕt life a game we play
day by day by lonly day
until experiencing the realization this game is playing me
is it within our control to conquer our destinies
and live our dreams or should we just sit back relax and enjoy the ride

try and contemplate all the movements,
our advanced chaotic symphony of life
the phenomenon of each minute and hour of every single day
passing in the time of each life each untold story
recapping the whole of it you realize what was and wasnÕt important
what shaped you the mistakes for which you condemed others condemned god
what advice you didnÕt listen to
how little you actually know, looking back on your own existance with an open heart
and you thought you were so wise
lived a contrived life so far
you thought you could control your fate
realize you never had any control just direction guided by your dreams
and the manifestation of those dreams in a particular
what you were told as a child
how much you wanted it
how hard you were willing to work to have it
your spirit your guide by your side
god growing up with you taking every step right beside you carrying you holding you
near and though youÕve tried to pull away
heÕs there closer than ever but still so far away
every life has a soundtrack
the music encompassing our existance as we go along this unpredictable and ireplacable journey
the songs that teach us not only in youth but also as we grow older,
touching our lives helping us through the struggles we all come to face.
assuring us that we can never feel anything completly unique to us
just combinations of pre-established feelings programmed to come along with life
know that we arenÕt robots though
we have free will
what a gift

its so crazy living i mean
you could never plan on what to expect
never predict the future
never for a solitary moment think you could control it

another life on the other side
conversations with god
help you come up with the right answers for your self
flash back to memory
funny the way you can relive life in a moment

The discovery
such a sadness
so deep

though out years of prodding
years of digging
years of stagnation
where have I been
why can I not find me
to open up my eyes
and know its all been a dream
not real at all
can you hear it
from within
so quietly
words come though me
to me
shed a tear
down a cheek
into an outstretched hand
rolling from fingers onto the floor
like it I fall
donÕt you see me at all
happy new year
falling from Faith, losing love, losing myself. Life spun me not to far from my west tx home
how differently I think I speak.

Foolishness is most dangerous when YOU think it is wisdom
stuck thinking of death and the purpose in life
Ten thousand un answered questions
clouding my thoughts
leaving me lost and empty inside
searching for an answer I fear Ill never find

Why? wishing for all the answers
ah... The question with no final definitive answer
my entire life has been spentspent searching for why
for God and Satan.
What have I found but Earth, sky, land, water, tree, all creation, l
Form the definition of god in mind, trying to find its truest meaning
a search to complete this puzzle of life.
knowing the teachings, hearing these stories a million times and still the meaning escapes.
questioning the legitimacy of such an Idea in all its grandeur and beauty, but at the same time believing what is said.
there can be no denial of the effect christ had on history, on my life.
still I cannot falsify, neither confirm or deny any realization of such a truth.
religion seems like a placebo
could it be real medicine

say it though its hard to say
every thing in an instant

feeling different
a small town
excepting difference
finding peace
wanting more
the beckoning
a taste of love

its no place for me here in this prison
my mind is numbed in this social and friendly job fueled by small talk
for i cannot be one of those filling moments with small talk
I However stand silently to the side
watching them interact laughing and smiling
I know my solitude pushes them away
IÕm always the watcher
jealous of their joy
i need a job i can continuously perfect
i need to create and use my creativity
I need to move and be around people I enjoy
I need to be able to expand my mind
doubtful this job is for me
when I am here I long for the studio
writing, composing, editing is my happiness
Silently I imagine the paths converging here tonight from all different walks of life
yet sharing the bond of eating together on a friday night
and how many will pass through this meal without seeing the beauty of being something so big something so grand
sell your time its all they want your crap is all they seek
but that is it for all that we do

life as an adult
put these childish thin
and create my own new world
My graduation from child hood has been the longest day of my life.
4 days with very little sleep
Paul once said ÒWhen I was a child I thought like a child I talked like a child... but when i became a man I put my childish ways behind me

every thing about the moment
not the turning twenty one
I turned 21 wednesday morning a 12:00 went out to the bar

god dammit! life isnÕt about existing until the next party. It isnÕt an expression of boredom. parties donÕt make me happy anymore drunkeness isnÕt fulfilling.
I always feel that I should be creating. I donÕt fit in the social mold.
i lived in a 8 by 10 cell in levelland for 3 years now I have become the polar bear in that zoo.
They presented him with a beautiful new large bear hangout and he only paces two steps forward tuns and paces two steps back
because that was the size of the container that they had him in for most of its life

can you imagine what the world would be like if you found out you were crazy
that every thing you ever knew was a figment of your imagination
and your world was now at your control

your name is Shmee
you are insane
your brain is destroyed you ate to much acid
and your falling asleep at the wheel of the oddest car ever driven
crying Oh no,
the weed id all gone
the weed id all gone
and Franklin (longing for an alcohol drip) says she will weird us out
real is fake and fake is real
video games become life
as drunkeness becomes what is real
you donÕt see it the way that I see it
you cant feel it the way I feel it
defenses break upon her head
nothing may mean something
of this make sense can you
the numbness makes sense
donÕt be to slow to get to the punch
come on connect the dots
where you let go determines your flight through the air
spiraling through the darkness a 2000dB
walked out the door
in search of god in the night
not really expecting to find any thing
never thought this journey
would lead back
yet all paths
all options
inevitably bring themselves before god

garage sale
giving away pieces of life
for a price
places been
things done
all these artifacts
of a life
you see your self growing up
in the evolution of your toys
stuffed animals
imaginary friends
gaming systems as we grew into the box
telling us who to be

random ideas
in the silence the mind resonates
God was poured into us from child hood
and you are suprised that I cannot just walk away

here I am one who thinks rationally trying to find reason in an artifact of faith

such that to understand would be to fall between the cracks
and lo
thinking too hard all the time,
enjoy yourself another Idea will present itself shortly

into a life of movement

let your work speak for you in the meantime listen

our goal is to present in a few moments what most experienc in a life time

you joke that it makes no difference, but in the long run does it?

depart not from the path which fate has you assigned

wish you a good journey

avert misunderstanding by calm poise and balance

thinkin I was just gonna stick with you, I change my hoes like I change shoes

deja vu - from forgotten lives

Òto find the light one must pass through the deepest darknessÓ

I will become my own poets puppet

like a singer who doesnÕt sing or an artist that doesnÕt paint
ive spent the longest time feeling nothing

life within a grain of sand
4 cm off reality
like the world is not a a part of me
Today seems like a dream, life seems like a dream.
am I dreaming
the transition felt like a dream
put my body in a rocket for a trip to the moon

ÒGo to the ledge step off and learn to flyÓ
search for the further ranging ever changing

so many want nothing more than four chords and a melody

the press sells depression
full of impending doom

something shapes us through every moment we exist

suck the marrow from life
look neither to the future nor the past for guidance
see objectives and goals and take charge
who wants to be a dreamer an idealist
be the doer the conquerer of your wildest
HereÕs a toast to making something to be

shed a tear for each left behind
Òstep right up, step right up its new, its improved its streamlined consciousnessÓ
my brain thinks alot but it doesnÕt talk about it

Its foolishness to think my insight on life is any greater than all the others.
Maybe I do see in a different way in a simpler way.

the news blasted out on every channel of the hurricane crashing into mexico, still we failed to heed the warning of the storm of the century

shot of a park bench beside a large tree enter a ragged looking old man carrying his world on his back, looks

you want to be a donkey fish, donkey fish
I want to be a donkey fish, donkey fish
and say hehaw hehaw bbbl
hehaw hehaw bbbl

we all think it
its just that everyone is to pc
too wrapped up in what people will think to say it out loud

the rocks of the mountains jutted out like fingers jutting out and pointing towards God

referencing life to the movies

i think what we are is an interactive movie
and the artist are yelling the terms

the color scheme important shapes the sound identify sound with color fog
because you donÕt understand should I allow this criticism

I need an instant memory cache

with each new twist and turn life became more and more interesting

the line between god and self
the thing that seperates the midi ins and midi outs

regards to the difference between college and high school students
are we so much wiser
has it been so long since that was me
it never changes not here

I embody everything you can but will not have

without agape life has lost its flavor
no true emotion no pure love

I never left until you pushed away

And I have tried and I have been to other worlds but then just when everything seems ok
there she is and I can not say no even though she is just fucking with my head because she can

I took one long last lingering look towards those fading tail lights blurred by the rain

falling in love with a computer technology my new love

Surfing the aquarian age
where the ocean of knowledge is free
a world within a world a new playground

soon comput
internet providers will be more important than computers
music becomes disgusted with pop
busted forth on to
the digital rights debate
technicality will spin you into the future
the computer becomes a mirror of the soul
with the password mirror mirror on the wall...

live life as flagrantly as possible
say the thing you want to say
do the things you want to do
do not be trapped in the box
prescribed by those who have sat themselves above you
societyÕs a sham
a means of control
its your life take control of it for gods sake
do not stand blind as they lead you like lambs to the slaughter trying to rob you of the humanity of your free thinking
you wear the clothes they tell you are ok
you eat the things they say you should
follow all the rules and regulations with out question
and this is the way slaves are made
mearly slaves of culture

life is within the mind
what exists, exists only to perception of now
to pass to the next level
overcome the obstacles of today
stand tall and firm apposing the darkness
and when you suceed in the next today you will have your reward once more

choose words and promises or choose action its the only thing that means a damn

one point to another stay focused
all that surrounds is the distraction

see how the destroy it by chooping it apart

we are an interactive movie
with artists yelling shots

on stage
I see that you are out there
staring at me
more and more
growing like the dark ness
clouding this path
its like a feel more alive in the emptiness

what you see and do
thinking what am I learning in each new place

I am

that is the only standard known for sure

always sell somthing
give you
record the feed back

the shops
the sun rains down and dies
begins to dive
as each closes down
and they all close down
as the suns reign falls to night

learning a riff at a time
the music lets you yell
evil is only imagined

lead my path
to become
what i am
reflecting back you see it the gathering and the proclomation

the story
as true as our lives
the artist shows them what is real
good and evil too
some where between the two
in the act the words become your own
aiming in the same direction as the book

god and evil is all
the eternal batlle the stories we tell

why afraid to do what is good

sell your time its what they want
your crap is all they se
out of everything we do

hold longer
it makes the changes evil and almost black

THE Gift
here you go
characters and questions
for every one
from the steel palace {reference atlas shrugged to the cage of words
its no place for me here in this prison
for I cannot be one of those filling moments with small talk


Stroud hall
there was a girl here last night I think she likes me. her friend was the one I wanted.
Anna and I shared a bond. I never understood

daniel, a skinny white poser who seemed constantly cracked out on something, is an odd character he had bleached blond hair rolled into dread locks in the front only sticking out of his Rastafarian hat. Daniel and I had been drinking jose Quervo gold 3 shots or so. however it happens that I have a very low tolerance for alcohol. I was living in room five stroud hall at spc. housing ran perpindicular to the creative arts center, fine arts buildings and the theater. I was feelin

g a bit tipsy in the early jolly state of mind that alcohol provides me with.
With the onset of school I had gotten myself into a nice state of partying.
I was on one such escapade when the story happened.
We returned to the dorms oddly enough through the front doors rather than the side doors I generally took to avoid confrontation. They were all out there the small town football heroes I never grew up with but knew all to well. Inadvertently my attention was drawn, as it often flutters about in dreamland without my control, to the odd group of characters smoking outside the theater building. I then proceeded to do something I never do, I said Òlets go improve on stranger relations.Ó A couple of guys said cool and Across the street we went me as a first time leader

September 11, 2002
this seems like a new year
It wasnÕt the stillness or the gray sky a moment away from raining
it was the children with their hands over their hearts staring up at our flag fifty stars 13 stripes
the red white and blue
this was my reminder
of a day we will remember forever
each of us has our own account of how they found out what that day was like
that morning I woke early from a long nights conversation of
I walked out side to the stillness the silence
something was different it was in the air
a light heaviness
I felt something that made me happy to be alive When anna joined me outside
I said Ògod granted me another dayÓ A mantra for the rest of my life
when I got back to the dorm I heard the televisions
but it was unusually quiet the usual bustle wasnÕt there
I began to undress take a shower and start my day
then the phone rang
It was Pricilla
looking for Daniel
when she told me I didnÕt believe it as we talked about it, her in dis belief and me not knowing what to think the world began to slow
I hung up with Pricilla and called anna she just found out as well we talked a while hung up and joined the world staring at the Television.
one year later almost to the minute
the weather is mirrored
that same peaceful calm
only now I know more
I could have never foreseen
its not what I expected
it just goes to show how little control we really have
to those gone today we remember...

September 12, 2002
Interesting twists and turns
life takes who could have for seen it
or is it just a dream
perceive it and it is

all you need to do is make it
Anna came back into my life to day I never saw it coming
its like a continuation of what we started but never finished
were older now one year to the day
I thought about her yesterday morning waking up beside beside me on one of the most infamous days of our times
she will forever be attached to that moment
I donÕt mind it fit
the complications that followed deprived us of any thing that could have been
we made the choices though

I was a coward
she seemed insane and complicated
but today is a new day
I step out unsure of what is to come
praying for the future to bring me surprises untold

today I began my journey towards completion
today I pick up the
compile them and began to make some kind of since
out of the puzzle i have set forth on my path
I will struggle for completion
in every thing
to finish
to close a book and start
I hereby refuse to become a failure
I am becoming myself as a singer a musician, an engineer, a composer and engineer, a composer, a keyboardist, a guitarist, a drummer, a dj. I am not over ambitious I am following my dream
I am seeking my calling

September 30
I have been very busy and I have thousands of things still left to do life is a crazy ride time flies by so fast but the odd contrast is how slow it appears to be moving at the same time. this I dea speeding by over slow music fits perfectly.
October 3
Ashley's birthday was yesterday. I called her on the way to play at the civic center. I feel like iÕm running a marathon. my body is so tired, yet, I must push on through one more day I must run as fast and as hard as I can and give my body the the stl coming on I need the endurance to keep going on Make my rest be the best possible nourishment help me to live like you.


Last night all the cards lade on the table; everybody now knows I have feelings for her. Except maybe her. She the one that fills my thoughts and yet I am afraid of that which makes her so beautiful, her naivety and innocence. I want her to come into her own, to experience life not hidden from the world. but in full force. I could love her and that is something I havenÕt felt in a long time. She makes me nervous and jittery and tingly all over. She puts me on a high and I donÕt know how to react. Such a beautiful girl too beautiful to be kept in a jar. She is a butterfly a precious butterfly. Would I

I ended my four month love with abby tonight she cried and I cried too.
it hurt to watch her cry I cried a little holding back tears as I tried to make sense of the un planned turn of events. It was our 4 month aneversarry. we went to the park by the rive to celebrate and just be alone together.she never looked as beautiful as she did last night, so vulnerable, i wanted no more than to hold her to make her feel happy. so much has happened recently calart mostly a dream for several years is now with in grasp and I am afraid because I never planned to have it so close so fast. I never wanted to break her heart but I know it is for the better though now that the deed is done I miss her companionship i miss knowing that sheÕs mine. I had once told christa I have so many choices to make
so many actions to take
there is a weight building I feel its press already
there is not enough time in a day to complete all my tasks what have I done unintentionally intentionally hows it going to be with out her she i did love.

The Cause for Modern War

kyles songs or poetry

for a moment I felt like a king
living in a dream
could life be this perfect
I imagine eden
where everything is perfect
where we could be if it wasn
no work no need
all would be provided
it sounds so nice
to bad we hd to miss it
to bad we got this mess
and I know some things are better
but most of its worse
so it works
is it worth it just to know it all
so we can be so fuckin smart
we make all these lines and divisions
to make a better place when itjust messes everything up
its costing the earth to build all this power no one wants to slow down
sometimes I wish IÕd never been born at all
and I ask myself to be a void to never have lived it would be a shame not to exist to be just an empty spot
where would you have been

this ones for the under dogs
everyone that wasnÕt cool
those who never fit in
people who get fucked with by the normals ( if there is such a thing)
someday everything will be ok some day you will be on top

try to understand diligence is the key just keep hammering away
chipping away the rough edges
concrete around the segments
make a sculpture
from the shreds of you existance

trying to avoid those theives
how our dreams have a funny way of coming true
our plans have a funny way of falling through
I hate not having you near
it makes us not seem real
amazed our paths crossed
and so happy
want to become a portrait of love
a fountain of love pouring from hands of knowledge

charcoal on paper to capture
a moment deeper than action
a bond stronger than an embrace
saturate me
let me soak you in
lets fall in love
forget about the world
spend this night with me

she would stand by me love me unconditional
on the sixth day

rapport - details are important
expressive gesturesetc.
initiations maintaining

instrumental - logical
control conversation

I dream of you walking through the woods with you through the trees
out into a the open plains of _______
the stars in all their grandure surround us
the city lights fade in the distance

winter now
but soon comes spring
new birth new life
with this eve this new aquaintance

start jungle sequence

foolishness I ca

spring summer fall winter

do not make her your god

i dreampt we were two indians
i was a lone warior with my queen My princess
we were far away from these lands
the grass was high things wer perfect

I saw her there in the light booth
she was so pretty, I wondered who she was lost my concentration
lost my mind lost my senses
iÕts about that time
to fall in love
for the first time

one alarm to another dreams emerge
this is the | dream of | the soundtrack | of | life |
3 1 2 4

dreams play through out our lives
I dream of life I dreampt I was there
dreaming dream dream
ambiguous life
falling away
confusion collecting clogging my flow
night time thougts rushing through my head
of today and tommorow though nothing can change them now any way

is it my fault
that your not here

well here i am again
lost like all the time before
wondering if our loves still here
and praying that it
it alwaysseems we fell apart
we lost somthing between here and there

and i wonder why you fell away
and in this gap i fear that I had made
donÕt close your eyes donÕt walk away
with out you here I canÕt face the pain any more

i need you to kiss meunderneeth the stars
and hold me like you used to do
show me that you still care about me
just donÕt hold back

you never stay for long or say too much
nothing is like it ever was
is it me
donÕt just say that nothingÕs wrong
lets keep it real there is so much more

who am I its all in the pages
written down by the soul

every thing about me has changed so much I donÕt even recognize myself in this shadow
the darkness becins to flow from the depths of my soul
and i lose control
I feel it rising from inside me coming up from be hind me
(transition down )
it slowly and steadily takes over me

The Gift

this all becomes work one day
music my never ending challenge
i canÕt beat it
so IÕll do my assignments and grow
its funny when i listen now
going back
looking at my life in reverse
God it only starts with disney tapes and green day to zimmer
i always let the music write me
and now IÕm writing the music
the old seems cheesy yet that they understand

thats how I write
all broken up
thats how lives fit together
in broken up chaos
and we are all driving towards the answer
to the question no one is asking
of course the twist side is
you exchange the no for every and you began to see an equation
you have to find the zero the one point that ties every thing together
thats god thats the god I canÕt find
because all the life thats pointing me in one direction
and there is no answer to why
the loose ends seem like they
might be tying together but what happens when they do
(a sky rocket shoots out of the chaos)
my quest will be complete
and iÕll just be here
with nothing
maybe IÕll postpone the ending
so iÕll have some purpose

IT doesnÕt make sense because I feel it that way
IT doesnÕt make sense because I see it that way
IT doesnÕt make sense because nothing makes sense anymore to me

I want to make a compilation cd of all the music that shaped me
but everything means something
it makes me began to see that my experience really doesnÕt matter
but it does cause everyones experience is a reflection of somthing
some pattern IÕve yet to find

the simple shit always makes the most sense
because it doesnÕt
because you can take its meaning any way you want
art is shit
that means so much
even to me who made that statement
why cant life be the art
why cant I speak like I write
why ask questions that start with why
why is there no answer to that question

we are the actors
living in movies
our soundtrack is life

I hate how everything is a rip off
where is a new Idea
where is inspiration
for something completely unique
my Idea isnÕt any thing any different
its just longer more encompassing
further reaching

a simple verity revealed
I love you though I find it hard to say
when your away the sky seems gray
I long to touch your face
to feel your warm embrace
ten thousand times I think of you
day dream you by my side
canÕt wait to talk to you tonight
you my lover whos never there
someday when my work is through
I will be with you

in dreams alone could I imagine
someone who made me feel
the way
never met anyone like you
maybe someday I will

sad to think
I lost the only thing
that made my life seem complete
I know iÕm a fool to feel this way
to still be in love with you
to think you could still feel the same
although IÕve screwed it all up
doing things iÕll always regret
i will never understand
why i tried to hurt you
or why i cried when it worked
so scared i will never hold you
so scared i will never fall in love again
I miss you so much
i still think about you every day
wishing you still wanted me
wishing you were still by my side
it could happen
it might not
but its up to you you always know what i want
always you, no one else could compare
if you ever have a change in heart
if you ever want me back
know iÕll be here wating for you because i still love you
i still feel you lingering
in the back of my heart

years pass
thinking she was the end
always thought i would return
that i would never move on
i was wrong

clouds twist painted purple
growing ever deeper
the air begins to turn fingers numb

all day youve been on my mind
i think about how i should love you more and more
how i have never given all that i could have
how every moment is better with you by my side

writing into chips

and building a brain

the science within
My philososphy of self
is constantly drawn back into a scenario of intolerance of the mediocrity of others

this calls into question my desires

how i long to ask for nothing from another human being
that i would earn everything that i recieve in life
the Ayn Rand philosophy:
I swear by my life and my love of it that i will
not live my life for the sake of another nor will I ask any human to live their
life for the sake of mine

i ve seen your face before

i walked your road before

in my dreams you once visited

and once i served you in the way of a child

simply leading

while falling away

and no one saw me leaving until i was gone

now the way i appear to them

to you who never answers my questions like i want you too

summer is hot,
the clock ticks against a counterpoint of fan
passing time
passing time

this time i forgot to unzip my pants when peed
now i got pee on my knee

i want this piece to be about 4 to 5 minutes
by vocal ensemble
and played by live musicians
with a choral section
and vocal rythmns
this should be fun

then death comes
then death comes

you know what? Life's all right. the end